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Daughter's friend issues at college, should she confront her roommates?(Update- i talked to her again)

Posted by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 9:02 PM
  • 17 Replies

My daughter is living in a triple in her colege dormand at the beginning of the year all three roommates had the same grop of friends.at the beginning of the year she was so excited about all the people she was becoming friends with


However, she says when the rest of them have grown closer she's started to feel left out, especially because of one cliquey girl her roommates have spent more time with. Also, since their room  is the biggest is the one the whole group of like 10 kids always hangs out in. She does not like how the group is almost always around, especially when she is feeling left out of it. she said that if they'd hang out anywhere else she'd just leave and go to her room, but since theyre in her room shes forced to be around people who kind of exclude her.They are there every night for a long time.


she wants to tell her two roommaates that she can tell the group of friends does not like her much, and that she isn't trying to change that, but she does want them to stop coming around all the time.


she asked me for advice and idon't know what to say; i get that this is stressing her out but also i think she might be thinking shes left out more than she really is, and she would definately be driving away new friends if she told her roommates she didnt want them to let the rest of the group of friends into the room.

(Update...) So I talked to her again (Thanks for all the advice!), and she's pretty much decided that she wants to tell her roommates that she does not like how her room is the only place the group hangs out, but she isn't going to say anything against people specifically. She really doesn't want to cut all the ties with eveeryone especially since it's just a couple of people being the most cliquey... She's just going to say that she's generally a pretty introverted person, and that she wouldn't spend nearly as much time with the group if they hung out somewhere else, and it's getting stressful how she doesn't have much time for herself, or her schoolwork.


by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 9:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Barabell
by Barbara on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:04 PM
1 mom liked this

If they're invading her living space, she needs to speak up if she doesn't want them there. 

A co-worker of mine that has her 2nd daughter in college suggested to me that it is important to try to encourage your child to have a meeting immediately with roommates to work out schedules and boundaries. It seems like this dorm room discussion is way over due in your daughter's case. She needs to meet with them, and all three of them need to figure out boundaries and then respect each other's space.

Kuree
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:13 PM



Quoting Barabell:

If they're invading her living space, she needs to speak up if she doesn't want them there. 

A co-worker of mine that has her 2nd daughter in college suggested to me that it is important to try to encourage your child to have a meeting immediately with roommates to work out schedules and boundaries. It seems like this dorm room discussion is way over due in your daughter's case. She needs to meet with them, and all three of them need to figure out boundaries and then respect each other's space.

I agree! her biggest worry though is she doesnt know how to say she doesn't want them to stop coming in without being entirely out of the group. She likes spending time wiith them sometimes like going out to do stuff, but its becoming too much... She does have a couple friends in it, but overall she does not like the situation.


Barabell
by Barbara on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:17 PM

Are they interferring with her study time? If so, that is an extremely valid reason for her to want some privacy. We also need time to unwind. 

My suggestion is for her to find reasons related to her space and schedule and stick to that. Don't discuss who the people are or make any reference to individuals. Just stick to the boundary needs she has to get through her college schedule.

sahlady
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:18 PM

1. when she was in high school did she ever have a left out issue?  Not  knowing your daughter we dont know what her friend back ground is.  I have met girls who were really out going but would legitimately get left out, and those who were wall flowers and always played the victim because they felt they should be ASKED to do everything.

2. I personally think it is best when roommates have their own groups of friends... hopefully a bit overlapping, or at least both groups get along.  That way you dont get sick of them.... because you have some variety.


so i would say..... 1. she NEEDS to start making more friends so she isnt stuck with just one group.  2. if she needs to sleep or study she needs to speak up for herself.... but perhaps better to bring it up with just the roommates and get some ground rules going.

Kuree
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:22 PM



Quoting Barabell:

Are they interferring with her study time? If so, that is an extremely valid reason for her to want some privacy. We also need time to unwind. 

My suggestion is for her to find reasons related to her space and schedule and stick to that. Don't discuss who the people are or make any reference to individuals. Just stick to the boundary needs she has to get through her college schedule.

SHe said she already did what you suggested; she basically told her roommates it was sometimes hard to study or get much sleep wit people in there and they said that she should just say when she wants some time to work, and they'll give her it. And they do, but the issue is that even when she is not studying or asleep (which is a significant amount of time) she still doesn't want them in there constantly.


bcauseimthemom
by Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:25 PM

Is there any way she can request a room change??

Kuree
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:26 PM



Quoting sahlady:

1. when she was in high school did she ever have a left out issue?  Not  knowing your daughter we dont know what her friend back ground is.  I have met girls who were really out going but would legitimately get left out, and those who were wall flowers and always played the victim because they felt they should be ASKED to do everything.

2. I personally think it is best when roommates have their own groups of friends... hopefully a bit overlapping, or at least both groups get along.  That way you dont get sick of them.... because you have some variety.


so i would say..... 1. she NEEDS to start making more friends so she isnt stuck with just one group.  2. if she needs to sleep or study she needs to speak up for herself.... but perhaps better to bring it up with just the roommates and get some ground rules going.


Im not positive about all the details, but she says she's been trying to be a part of the group, going places with them and trying to become closer friends but they're just doing stuff like not talking to her much and leaving her out of inside jokes and decisions on what the plans should be. like she said that they were going to get dinner and when she said she didn't have money for a more expensive place, nobody cared, but then when this other guy texted that he didn't have the money everyone immediately decided to go to the campus dining hall instead.


Good idea about making new friends, i dont know how hard it would be once everyone's so settled into their schedules but I'll definately tell her that!

sahlady
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:30 PM

its not that hard to make friends.... and it is a GREAT life skill.

suggest she get a study group together in one of her classes.  meet a classmate for coffee. start going to the campus gym.  join a club.  there are tons of ways to make friends.  ya just have to put yourself out there.

Quoting Kuree:



Quoting sahlady:

1. when she was in high school did she ever have a left out issue?  Not  knowing your daughter we dont know what her friend back ground is.  I have met girls who were really out going but would legitimately get left out, and those who were wall flowers and always played the victim because they felt they should be ASKED to do everything.

2. I personally think it is best when roommates have their own groups of friends... hopefully a bit overlapping, or at least both groups get along.  That way you dont get sick of them.... because you have some variety.


so i would say..... 1. she NEEDS to start making more friends so she isnt stuck with just one group.  2. if she needs to sleep or study she needs to speak up for herself.... but perhaps better to bring it up with just the roommates and get some ground rules going.


Im not positive about all the details, but she says she's been trying to be a part of the group, going places with them and trying to become closer friends but they're just doing stuff like not talking to her much and leaving her out of inside jokes and decisions on what the plans should be. like she said that they were going to get dinner and when she said she didn't have money for a more expensive place, nobody cared, but then when this other guy texted that he didn't have the money everyone immediately decided to go to the campus dining hall instead.


Good idea about making new friends, i dont know how hard it would be once everyone's so settled into their schedules but I'll definately tell her that!


opal10161973
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:31 PM

She may want to get a room change then.  It's far enough in the semester that someone will have moved out of the dorms or left, so there should be room for her somewhere else.  They are showing that they don't really care about her by doing the stuff you posted in the reply above.  She is not wrong on this one.  Maybe someone else would be willing to change rooms with her? 

Kuree
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:32 PM
From what I've herd, it's hard to get a room change in the middle of the year. Also, from what she saidd she just wants some more distance without entirely cutting off ties with them since she does have some friends int he group. It's just a couple of people who are making her feel left out.
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