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What Would YOU Do? At Our Wit's End!

Posted by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 6:25 PM
  • 68 Replies
Hi, all!

I recently posted (Desperately Needs Advice) about our 17 year old daughter who continually pushes the envelope when it comes to rules and regulations. It's been one hellacious weekend.

Just to give some background. She's "dating" a 17 year old boy who's a high school drop-out and lied to us about attending school. He and our daughter have talked into the wee hours of the morning on the phone when she has to get up at 6:00 AM for school and he can sleep all day long. She has sneaked the house phone into her room. We caught her and restricted her because of it. Then, she sneaked my husband's work cell phone to talk to her boyfriend. Restricted her, again, and changed the passcode. Just found out on Friday that she'd done the same thing with both my iPad and cell phone, of which I didn't think she knew the passcode.

So, because she's continually breaking the rules, we took her cell phone away and grounded her from seeing her boyfriend for 2 weeks. Well, she had a birthday party on Friday night to attend that was about 3 miles from our house, so we allowed her to drive there and straight back. I'd read on her cell phone that the friend who's party it was had texted her and said that if her boyfriend came, he'd been the only guy in attendance. Definite red flag. My husband and I got in the car and drove to the restaurant. We spotted her boyfriend's vehicle parked at the complete opposite end of the parking lot. We decided to watch and wait. Sure enough, an hour later, we saw the two of them walk out of the restaurant separately. We drove over to where her BF's car was parked. He had a hoodie pulled over his head almost as to hide himself. He came over and started laughing. I was spitting nails! We told him that's why we can't trust him...because he's constantly going behind our backs! He went on to say that we have the bar set too high for our daughter and that's WE'RE pushing her away. I just love getting parenting advice from a 17 year old drop-out!

We said what we wanted to say to him, even though he was extremely rude and disrespectful. We drove over to where our daughter was parked and he followed behind us! I got out and told him he'd better be on his way ASAP and he drove off. I can't tell you how hurt, angry and disappointed we felt because of how our daughter had disrespected us, again! She, of course, was furious with us and moped all weekend long.

Well, this afternoon, she asked to get on the computer so that she could work on a project for school. We have a password on it that she doesn't know, so my husband had to sign-in for her. He told her to NOT get on the computer and talk with her boyfriend. They are to have ZERO contact for 2 weeks. She agreed. My husband got his iPad and noticed that she was online...on FB. He went upstairs and she was chatting with her BF! It wasn't pretty, to say the least! My husband and I were very upset! She now has 3 extra days added to her grounding. She thinks we're being SO UNFAIR, but we have to put the hammer down or she'll never learn! Do you think we were out-of-line? What would you have done? She and her BF simply can't be trusted, at all. It's tearing our family to pieces! If he's such a winner, why is that the case?
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 6:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
marrionsmommy
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 6:35 PM
2 moms liked this
I would ban her communication totally .....no phone parties time with anyone. Also drive her everywhere like a kindergartner. Take her to and from school to and from the store etc. Make her see that if she cant be trusted this is how she will have to be treated. Good luck stand yr ground
gonecrazi
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 6:35 PM

 I think you are doing everything right..

doxie64
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 6:56 PM
Thank you both so much for your support! I sometimes feel like I'm losing my daughter. She makes me feel like such a horrible mother, but I try to get her to understand that every decision her father and I make is from our deep love for her. In her eyes, we're the bad guys and she and her BF have done no wrong. The amount of stress this has put on our family has been trememdous, but we're holding strong. It just helps to hear from others who have no personal investment in our family that we're doing the right thing.
gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 7:16 PM
8 moms liked this


Quoting doxie64:

Hi, all!

I recently posted (Desperately Needs Advice) about our 17 year old daughter who continually pushes the envelope when it comes to rules and regulations. It's been one hellacious weekend.

Just to give some background. She's "dating" a 17 year old boy who's a high school drop-out and lied to us about attending school. He and our daughter have talked into the wee hours of the morning on the phone when she has to get up at 6:00 AM for school and he can sleep all day long. She has sneaked the house phone into her room.
You can disable any phone jacks in her room. Cordless, keep them with you.
We caught her and restricted her because of it. Then, she sneaked my husband's work cell phone to talk to her boyfriend. Restricted her, again, and changed the passcode. Just found out on Friday that she'd done the same thing with both my iPad and cell phone, of which I didn't think she knew the passcode.
And I assume those have been changed.
So, because she's continually breaking the rules, we took her cell phone away and grounded her from seeing her boyfriend for 2 weeks.
OK.
Well, she had a birthday party on Friday night to attend that was about 3 miles from our house, so we allowed her to drive there and straight back.
Party should have been gone too. If you're going to ground, do it thoroughly. NO activities. You take her to and from school.
I'd read on her cell phone that the friend who's party it was had texted her and said that if her boyfriend came, he'd been the only guy in attendance. Definite red flag. My husband and I got in the car and drove to the restaurant. We spotted her boyfriend's vehicle parked at the complete opposite end of the parking lot. We decided to watch and wait. Sure enough, an hour later, we saw the two of them walk out of the restaurant separately. We drove over to where her BF's car was parked. He had a hoodie pulled over his head almost as to hide himself. He came over and started laughing. I was spitting nails! We told him that's why we can't trust him...because he's constantly going behind our backs! He went on to say that we have the bar set too high for our daughter and that's WE'RE pushing her away. I just love getting parenting advice from a 17 year old drop-out!
have you talked with his parents? That's the next step.
We said what we wanted to say to him, even though he was extremely rude and disrespectful. We drove over to where our daughter was parked and he followed behind us! I got out and told him he'd better be on his way ASAP and he drove off.
That's a "call the police" type of thing.
I can't tell you how hurt, angry and disappointed we felt because of how our daughter had disrespected us, again! She, of course, was furious with us and moped all weekend long.

Well, this afternoon, she asked to get on the computer so that she could work on a project for school.
OK. You sit with her and help her.
We have a password on it that she doesn't know, so my husband had to sign-in for her. He told her to NOT get on the computer and talk with her boyfriend. They are to have ZERO contact for 2 weeks. She agreed. My husband got his iPad and noticed that she was online...on FB. He went upstairs and she was chatting with her BF!
Of course she was. Probably thinking how stupid the two of you were. You gave her an inch and she took a mile. If she needs to do homework on the computer you sit with her. You be the monkey on the keyboard while she tells you what she needs.
It wasn't pretty, to say the least! My husband and I were very upset! She now has 3 extra days added to her grounding.
Only three? I'd have added a week!
She thinks we're being SO UNFAIR, but we have to put the hammer down or she'll never learn! Do you think we were out-of-line?
Nope. I think you've been too easy.
What would you have done?
1. No parties. School and home, that's it. 2. No solo computer time. 
She and her BF simply can't be trusted, at all. It's tearing our family to pieces! If he's such a winner, why is that the case?

Here's the hard part... she will run back to him all the harder. He's attractive because you don't like him. So: Don't punish her for being with him . Punish for the lies. She's grounded for having lied to you. She can go out with him all she wants; she must follow curfew and will be punished for breaking that.

You no longer are to care that she's seeing him. The more you fight HIM the more attractive he becomes. TRust me here: I hid a boyfriend for three years because my parents didn't like him. Their disapproval made me hold onto him harder. I had to figure out myself that he was a jerk. Had my parents kept their mouths shut I'd have figured it out in three months rather than in three years.

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Oct. 28, 2013 at 2:14 AM
Great and thought out advice. I agree

Quoting gdiamante:


Quoting doxie64:

Hi, all!



I recently posted (Desperately Needs Advice) about our 17 year old daughter who continually pushes the envelope when it comes to rules and regulations. It's been one hellacious weekend.



Just to give some background. She's "dating" a 17 year old boy who's a high school drop-out and lied to us about attending school. He and our daughter have talked into the wee hours of the morning on the phone when she has to get up at 6:00 AM for school and he can sleep all day long. She has sneaked the house phone into her room.
You can disable any phone jacks in her room. Cordless, keep them with you.
We caught her and restricted her because of it. Then, she sneaked my husband's work cell phone to talk to her boyfriend. Restricted her, again, and changed the passcode. Just found out on Friday that she'd done the same thing with both my iPad and cell phone, of which I didn't think she knew the passcode.
And I assume those have been changed.
So, because she's continually breaking the rules, we took her cell phone away and grounded her from seeing her boyfriend for 2 weeks.
OK.
Well, she had a birthday party on Friday night to attend that was about 3 miles from our house, so we allowed her to drive there and straight back.
Party should have been gone too. If you're going to ground, do it thoroughly. NO activities. You take her to and from school.
I'd read on her cell phone that the friend who's party it was had texted her and said that if her boyfriend came, he'd been the only guy in attendance. Definite red flag. My husband and I got in the car and drove to the restaurant. We spotted her boyfriend's vehicle parked at the complete opposite end of the parking lot. We decided to watch and wait. Sure enough, an hour later, we saw the two of them walk out of the restaurant separately. We drove over to where her BF's car was parked. He had a hoodie pulled over his head almost as to hide himself. He came over and started laughing. I was spitting nails! We told him that's why we can't trust him...because he's constantly going behind our backs! He went on to say that we have the bar set too high for our daughter and that's WE'RE pushing her away. I just love getting parenting advice from a 17 year old drop-out!
have you talked with his parents? That's the next step.
We said what we wanted to say to him, even though he was extremely rude and disrespectful. We drove over to where our daughter was parked and he followed behind us! I got out and told him he'd better be on his way ASAP and he drove off.
That's a "call the police" type of thing.
I can't tell you how hurt, angry and disappointed we felt because of how our daughter had disrespected us, again! She, of course, was furious with us and moped all weekend long.



Well, this afternoon, she asked to get on the computer so that she could work on a project for school.
OK. You sit with her and help her.
We have a password on it that she doesn't know, so my husband had to sign-in for her. He told her to NOT get on the computer and talk with her boyfriend. They are to have ZERO contact for 2 weeks. She agreed. My husband got his iPad and noticed that she was online...on FB. He went upstairs and she was chatting with her BF!
Of course she was. Probably thinking how stupid the two of you were. You gave her an inch and she took a mile. If she needs to do homework on the computer you sit with her. You be the monkey on the keyboard while she tells you what she needs.
It wasn't pretty, to say the least! My husband and I were very upset! She now has 3 extra days added to her grounding.
Only three? I'd have added a week!
She thinks we're being SO UNFAIR, but we have to put the hammer down or she'll never learn! Do you think we were out-of-line?
Nope. I think you've been too easy.
What would you have done?
1. No parties. School and home, that's it. 2. No solo computer time. 
She and her BF simply can't be trusted, at all. It's tearing our family to pieces! If he's such a winner, why is that the case?

Here's the hard part... she will run back to him all the harder. He's attractive because you don't like him. So: Don't punish her for being with him . Punish for the lies. She's grounded for having lied to you. She can go out with him all she wants; she must follow curfew and will be punished for breaking that.

You no longer are to care that she's seeing him. The more you fight HIM the more attractive he becomes. TRust me here: I hid a boyfriend for three years because my parents didn't like him. Their disapproval made me hold onto him harder. I had to figure out myself that he was a jerk. Had my parents kept their mouths shut I'd have figured it out in three months rather than in three years.

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doxie64
by on Oct. 28, 2013 at 6:20 AM

Thank you both! Well, looks like we've been outsmarted, again! I checked her FB first thing when I got up this morning. Her BF had written her at 12:37 AM this morning. I haven't yet opened it, but the part I could see said, "OK, baby, goodnight and I cant' wait to til you..." I'll read it after she goes to school. The problem is if I read it, she will know. Right now, it's the only means I have for tracking what she and her BF are plotting. I'm sure she can get on the computer sometime during the school day and make contact with him. We have taken every phone in our house (all cordless) and have locked them in a safe in our room. We have her cell phone there, too. We have changed all the passcodes on our iPads and cell phones. We have it set up so the WiFi shuts off at 11 AM automatically. Our one and only computer now has a password on it to sign in. So, we've limited all access as much as we possibly can. I will, from now on, have to sit in the room with her while she's on the computer "doing work"...I have no choice!

Yes, I've sent his mom 2 messages on FB since all this happened  on  Friday night,  but she never responded. I even sent her BF a message on FB after I found out that they chatted last night. Told him her grounding was now extended for 3 additional days; never wrote back. Question is...do we call his mom today and ask for her help in keeping them apart? I've never met her, but I get the impression that she's just like him. Very opinionated and doesn't back down. That's probably why he's like he is.

I completely understand how you said that the more we talk down about her BF, the worse it becomes. I agree 100%, but do you know how difficult that is to bite our tongues when he completely disregards our requests to stay away from her? How do we ever get to a point of allowing her to go out with him, again? I just don't know if I'm able! One of her friends wrote her a text message on Sat. (the one who had the party) and asked her to please break up with her BF because he is NO GOOD!  She wrote that any guy who disrespects her parents is disrespecting her. I read it to my daughter and she sat there completely stone-faced. No reaction, whatsoever!

Where do we go from this point forward? Call his mom? Just curious...why did you think that because he followed us out of the parking lot, we should have called the cops? What grounds would we have had for doing so? I think he was just trying to push our buttons and test us as much as he possibly could. He's belligerent, rude, disrespectful all rolled up into one!  I'm beginning to think this nightmare will never end!        

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Oct. 28, 2013 at 9:18 AM
2 moms liked this


Quoting doxie64:

Thank you both! Well, looks like we've been outsmarted, again! I checked her FB first thing when I got up this morning. Her BF had written her at 12:37 AM this morning. I haven't yet opened it, but the part I could see said, "OK, baby, goodnight and I cant' wait to til you..." I'll read it after she goes to school. The problem is if I read it, she will know. Right now, it's the only means I have for tracking what she and her BF are plotting. I'm sure she can get on the computer sometime during the school day and make contact with him. We have taken every phone in our house (all cordless) and have locked them in a safe in our room. We have her cell phone there, too. We have changed all the passcodes on our iPads and cell phones. We have it set up so the WiFi shuts off at 11 AM automatically. Our one and only computer now has a password on it to sign in. So, we've limited all access as much as we possibly can. I will, from now on, have to sit in the room with her while she's on the computer "doing work"...I have no choice!

Exactly. Again, you're punishing for lies and curfew violations. NO OTHER REASON. If she toes the line on telling the truth and obeying curfew and breaks no laws, she can do as she pleases. But she must obey the law, obey curfew and go to school. If she does those things you'll say nothing to her. Make that clear.


Yes, I've sent his mom 2 messages on FB since all this happened  on  Friday night, 

TALK to her. Not Facebook. Not texting. 

but she never responded. I even sent her BF a message on FB after I found out that they chatted last night. Told him her grounding was now extended for 3 additional days; never wrote back. Question is...do we call his mom today and ask for her help in keeping them apart? I've never met her, but I get the impression that she's just like him. Very opinionated and doesn't back down. That's probably why he's like he is.

You do call her and explain that your daughter is grounded for lying and breakign rules. When the grounding is over, she can see the boyfriend all she wants AND TALK TILL 6AM ON THE PHONE! Allow that. It has its own built-in punishment when she still has to get up at 6 in the mornign to go to school you see. Don't disallow the phone conversations once she's off restriction.

I completely understand how you said that the more we talk down about her BF, the worse it becomes. I agree 100%, but do you know how difficult that is to bite our tongues when he completely disregards our requests to stay away from her? How do we ever get to a point of allowing her to go out with him, again?

You have to. Again, allow the natural consequences. Teens and toddlers are more alike than un-alike, so you let them do things that won't actually kill them and let them learn the hard way. She wants to talk to "Mr. Wonderful" at all hours of the night? Let her. She still has to go to school and keep up her grades. SHe does that, you will NEVER SAY A WORD AGAINST HIM. Tell her that.

But when she gets the cell phone back she also gets the BILL. You won't pay for it any longer. She has to. Tell her that as well.

I just don't know if I'm able! One of her friends wrote her a text message on Sat. (the one who had the party) and asked her to please break up with her BF because he is NO GOOD!  She wrote that any guy who disrespects her parents is disrespecting her. I read it to my daughter and she sat there completely stone-faced. No reaction, whatsoever!

That's OK. Let her friends tell her. Again, natural consequences of bad choices. She's moved to the point in her life where the opinions of her friends means more than the opinion of her parents. It may hurt but it's true. 

Where do we go from this point forward? Call his mom?

I'd have done so already,. only to express concern that my daughter is missing out on sleep and is sneaking around and does her son know how to use a condom?

Just curious...why did you think that because he followed us out of the parking lot, we should have called the cops? What grounds would we have had for doing so? I think he was just trying to push our buttons and test us as much as he possibly could. He's belligerent, rude, disrespectful all rolled up into one!  I'm beginning to think this nightmare will never end!        

Stalking is a crime.

But all that said... she's sticking by him because you're against him. Stop being against him and he loses a lot of the charm.

SnowWhieQueen
by on Oct. 28, 2013 at 9:28 AM
2 moms liked this

ur not out of line.. but ur handling it the wrong way(in my opp)..i have been in her shoes...and it seems ur pushing her toward him by telling her no.. ur making it fun and taboo...u can try to explain why she should choose a different bf and such and the consequences for making poor decisions like that...good luck

ForeverLawst
by Member on Oct. 28, 2013 at 9:30 AM
9 moms liked this

I'm going to take the radical mom stance on this. Why are you constantly setting your DD up to lie to you? While I do agree with the OP's that there should be consequenses for breaking your rules, at this point you are just making your DD learn how to be sneakier and push harder to see how much she can get away with. She's 17. Soon, she'll be 18 and you won't have much, if any control over her. Have you considered that this may just be a game for her?? Instead of trying to keep them apart, embrace this boy with both arms.

Sit your DD down and tell her that you are tired of her going behind your back to talk to this boy and that you want to clear the air with both of them. Invite him over and tell them both that you are willing to relax the restrictions ONLY if they follow your rules to the letter. No phone calls after 10pm. DD must maintain her grades and ALL chores. They can see each other ONLY at your house, supervised at all times in the living room for the next two/three months. Invite this boy to dinner weekly and include him in conversation, be respectful to him and your DD. After the first couple weeks of this, one of them is going to run for the hills and decide that this "relationship" is more trouble than it's worth. This approach will give you complete control of the situation and drop the anxiety level in the house, all while giving DD some illusion of freedom. 

The fact is, your DD probably knows that this boy is not the right boy for her, but she is trying to push your buttons and knows this is an easy way to do it. Her peer group doesn't like him and they are a greater influence on her than you are. When she sees you showing respect for the situation she will then see his lack of respect for you and ultimately for her, she will come around. The point of this is it needs to be her decision to walk away, thus making the correct "adult" decision for herself. 

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Oct. 28, 2013 at 9:33 AM
1 mom liked this

YES YES YES! This is what I was driving at.

The boy is not the problem you deal with. She'll deal with him on her own. 

Quoting ForeverLawst:

I'm going to take the radical mom stance on this. Why are you constantly setting your DD up to lie to you? While I do agree with the OP's that there should be consequenses for breaking your rules, at this point you are just making your DD learn how to be sneakier and push harder to see how much she can get away with. She's 17. Soon, she'll be 18 and you won't have much, if any control over her. Have you considered that this may just be a game for her?? Instead of trying to keep them apart, embrace this boy with both arms.

Sit your DD down and tell her that you are tired of her going behind your back to talk to this boy and that you want to clear the air with both of them. Invite him over and tell them both that you are willing to relax the restrictions ONLY if they follow your rules to the letter. No phone calls after 10pm. DD must maintain her grades and ALL chores. They can see each other ONLY at your house, supervised at all times in the living room for the next two/three months. Invite this boy to dinner weekly and include him in conversation, be respectful to him and your DD. After the first couple weeks of this, one of them is going to run for the hills and decide that this "relationship" is more trouble than it's worth. This approach will give you complete control of the situation and drop the anxiety level in the house, all while giving DD some illusion of freedom. 

The fact is, your DD probably knows that this boy is not the right boy for her, but she is trying to push your buttons and knows this is an easy way to do it. Her peer group doesn't like him and they are a greater influence on her than you are. When she sees you showing respect for the situation she will then see his lack of respect for you and ultimately for her, she will come around. The point of this is it needs to be her decision to walk away, thus making the correct "adult" decision for herself. 


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