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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

I just want to scream and cry!

Posted by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:38 AM
  • 10 Replies

I am new to this parenting teens thing. My step son has been with us less than a month and the honeymoon is off. I have asked him 4x to get his planner signed off by his teachers, and he says "yeah" but doesn't. He does martial arts, nd I told him he couldn't train because he failed to do as he was told. I feel like that is a fair consequence. There is another issue we are dealing with. We live in alaska and currently it is -30 below. He has been leaving his window open. Last night my husband told him to shut his window and not to open it. He shut it, but today he had it open again. My thought is the next time he leaves the window open we take his door off so we can monitor it better. Is this too harsh? Any suggestions?

by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:38 AM
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GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 2:26 AM

Some of these moms consider my methods/ways harsh and controlling - but I would NEVER control whether a child shut his or her window - he's obviously feeling hot if he's got the window open - I would however sneak in in the middle of the night to check that he's actually IN his room. Have you talked to his martial arts trainer about his grades? When my eldest was in martial arts they were really good about school grades and if you didn't behave/get good grades you weren't allowed to go for your next belt or special activities until you got your act together. The last thing is - tell him that if he doesn't get his  planner signed YOU will come into the school to get his planner signed, that should get him into gear - if not - follow through. Where's the bio mom in all this? Is he in counselling at all?

Starrnak
by New Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 4:50 AM

He is in counseling and I have a feeling bio mom is fed up with his behaviors too. Last time she told my husband " he's your son handle it". I normally wouldn't mind him having the window open however, with the extreme cold temperatures a house could freeze up with in hours and lead to very costly repairs. Also, we are renting and the landlord pays heat. I have told him I would come to get his planner checked out and I do plan on following through. He has never lived with us before, and he grew up with very little and seems content with tha. So we had to e corporate things that are considered privileges. :/

kidkrazyinAK
by Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:17 PM
2 moms liked this

30 below...you must be in Fairbanks. Try offering him a fan and explain that when pipes freeze it's bad.

My DD refuses to get her planner signed...she feels it's like being treated like a kindergartner. I just keep in constant contact with her teacher by email to know how she is doing, and watch her grade and attendance on line.

I would also try to find a different punishment than taking away his martial arts...My DD's therapist says that it takes away her outlet to take away her sport (hockey).

Jinx-Troublex3
by Bronze Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 1:12 PM

I agree with PP on the Martial arts - Find another punishment. DO NOT Take that away. As someone who trains in karate, the endorphines that are released, and the energy expended are VITAL for my well being. The memorization of katas and techniques is great for his brain and body.

For the window, since that is a safety issue, I would nail the dang thing shut- or so that it can only open 3-4 inches.  If he keeps the inside door shut, it should not affect he entire house.

Grades- WHY does he need it signed? IIf it is not required by the school, I wold not push it unless he is having problems. I would have a family discussion, you,  DH and DSS and go over rules and consequence. Grades are kept to an B average? C if the child has issues. If he can maintain the set grade average, you don't check up on him. If grades drop below that, he gets his agenda/planner signed.

(I know my middle DS has a mild learning disability and works his ASS OFF to maintain Cs so those are acceptable, where the oldest is gifted nad I require a minimum of Bs)

Jinx - Homeschooling, Scouting & Karate butt-kicking  Mom to Life Scout Ian 1/982nd Class Sean 9/00, Junior GS Heidi 4/03. Wife to Joe & Alpha to German Shepherd Spazz.

OHgirlinCA
by Bronze Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 1:21 PM

 I would not take away his martial arts as punishment.  It's important for children to have an "outlet".  Find something else to take away, like no video games every night that he brings home an unsigned planner or something along those lines. 

As for the window, like others have said, offer him a fan. 

I don't know how you approach your step son, but I notice with my own kids that if I ask politely for them to do something and show them respect, they respond in kind.  I'm not saying you don't, I just obviously do not see firsthand your interactions with him is all.

drfink
by Emily on Nov. 22, 2013 at 1:45 PM

 Agree with the others about the Martial Arts.It is an organized ,self disciplined activity he both enjoys and there are benefits to belonging to organized activities like this.

Does he tell you why he opens his window?I would get him a fan or one of those column air coolers...they work great...live in Texas.Personally I also would do a quick check at night just to make sure why he has his window open.Have you or dad sat down and in simple language explain the massive damage that can happen if the house gets too cold? I am cold natured so when we visited my oldest in Anchorage I was fine in his condo. It was on the top floor and our teen boys were warm all the time in his condo . Teen boys run hot.

Why is the planner being signed.Set up a daily or weekly consequence for the planner .Also I believe in graduated rewards.Set out his expectations...planner signed and window staying shut...after a certain number of pre-stated days of sucess a small reward...a movie ,fave f.f. ,something he would like .Do that twice then double the days to get the reward  .If by then you want to make after all the days a slightly larger reward do that .Many times by then it is a habit and no more consequences or rewards are needed.

hancex6
by Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 5:16 PM
Hahahaha(sorry nothing personal had to laugh). Welcome to my world, I got 3 teen boys in my home;). 100% build a coalition with the teachers and instructors. If they are onboard it won't make you look like the bad guy all the time. For example, my 15 year old gets a Laptop given to them by the school. So when he pulls the button pushing routine, the teachers have no problem taking away the laptop, or his co-curricular activities. As for the window thing, he probably is Hot, he is a teenage boy, & with all those hormones raging, he may need fresh air. Heck my DH still tries to crack our window at bed time, it is in the 20's not as cold as there, but below the freezing point. Talk to him first and ask if a fan or cooling system would help him. Just remember to treat him like an adult and not a child, I sometimes catch myself talking to my teens like I do my 4 year old, & have to regroup;)

Good Luck, the teen years are the worst, but if you make it passed them it should be clear sailing!
courtseanryan
by Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 10:47 AM
I agree with others about the martial arts. Thats his outlet. My dd did allstar cheer and every time there was an issue whether grades or behavior my ex's solution was take her out of cheer. She later told me that she appreciated me not doing that as it was her outlet and one of the few constants in her life during some difficult years (deaths of grandparents and divorce of my ex and I.
As for the window I would also give him a fan and explain that the next step to avoid costly repairs would be nailing window shut. As for grades sometimes during hard times or change they drop. I would be in contact with teachers to monitor and if its just lack of effort and not that he's having a hard time on the subject take away elections or something else he enjoys, just not his sport.


Quoting OHgirlinCA:

 I would not take away his martial arts as punishment.  It's important for children to have an "outlet".  Find something else to take away, like no video games every night that he brings home an unsigned planner or something along those lines. 


As for the window, like others have said, offer him a fan. 


I don't know how you approach your step son, but I notice with my own kids that if I ask politely for them to do something and show them respect, they respond in kind.  I'm not saying you don't, I just obviously do not see firsthand your interactions with him is all.


luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 12:13 PM

My oldest DD's boyfriends nephew, who lives with them, has been doing the same thing with the window, but we aren't negative 30, only 30, so still freaking cold. I told them to also nail the window shut because of how high their bills are because of it. 

I'm also in the camp of not taking martial arts away, but instead talking to the head person and seeing if they can work with on a plan. As for signing agendas...at that age? I understand for little kids, but not teens. It seems like such a silly thing to be creating so much friction.


boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Nov. 23, 2013 at 1:24 PM

Lock the window... and explain why  it is imperative to keep it closed.      Ask him why he isn't having the planner signed.    Do his teachers post grades online?  

In my opinion, a good consequence for not doing as one is asked is to add on a work chore or take away a priveledge.     I would not use his martial arts training as leaverage.




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