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Teen Daughter - counselor's advise - had enough

Posted by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 9:59 AM
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1 mom liked this

For nearly 3 years now I've been having problems with my now 15 year old daughter.  Problems are very poor grades, filthy smelly room and she has no respect or love for me what so ever.  I am told shut up, leave me alone and get out of her room nearly daily and on two occasions "I hope you die".  We are working with state provided counseling.  They feel that part of her issues come from abandonment from her father.  He's in her life when the spirit moves him, canceling on her often... and I recognize how hard this is for her (I've gone through it myself).  The other part is that my daughter is money motivated.. meaning - if your spending money on her, and taking her places you're her BFF, if not then she has no use for you. 

She told the counselor "I'm too cheerful in the morning", "I'm constantly on her about her grades" and "she shouldn't have to clean her room".  She also told the counselor that she doesn't want to improve on our relationship and she can't stand the site of me.  Counselor suggested this past Wednesday (for a couple week trial) not to wake her up for school and let her do it herself, close her door because her bedroom is her personal space so how she keeps it is up to her and don't ride her about her grades and allow her to improve them without my input.  Counselor is coming back on Sunday.

When the counselor returns I'm going to tell them both that if my daughter cannot 1) apply herself in school to at least get passing grades, 2) keep her room tidy and 3) stop disrespecting me then she must find someplace else to live.  I pay the @?%$#!! Rent and provide the necessities, if she can't give me those three things she's got to go.  I feel that by this counselor telling me to do the things I listed above, she has pulled my parenting power away from me and that my child is now ruling the house. 

Would love your opinion. 

 

 

by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 9:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
andersongirl562
by Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 10:01 AM
3 moms liked this

 You have every right to demand respect in your own home and agree she will need to find somewhere else to live if she cant at least follow those three things

atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 22, 2013 at 10:03 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree with you on some of it. Kinda agree to let her fail though at this point. Her room cannot stink and she cannot disrespect you.
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HopesNDreams
by Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 10:31 AM
6 moms liked this
While I agree with you, there are some flaws with your plan.

What the counselor realizes and you do not is that your 'or else' has no weight. Legally, you cannot kick your minor daughter out - it's abandonment and you can be arrested for it. While there are ways to give her up to the state, I assure you that none of her behaviors are severe enough to warrant it. To put it bluntly, you are engaged in a pissing contest that she is going to win simply because she holds all the cards. Your only saving grace at this point is that your daughter might not yet realize it.

She wants you to stop nagging? Great. Very easy to solve. With the counselor, ask her to make a list if every single thing you nag her about. Then, group them by category: house, school, etc. set a minimum, achievable standard for each (ie all clothes will be off of your floor before you leave for school). If that minimum is achieved, then you commit to not nagging. It puts it in her hands - welcome to being an adult!
For grades, in my house, there is no nagging if you meet two standards 1. All assignments are attempted and turned in and 2. You must 'Live in the Mountains' (stay above C level - my son hates when I mention it by grades). If they maintain their commitment, I maintain my commitment to not nag.

Speaking in a respectful tone is non negotiable.
irishlass569
by Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 10:55 AM

 Absolutely love the idea with cleaning.  I'll be bringing that up Sunday.  Regarding her grades - 80% of her problem is not doing her homework and lying about it.  Her average in History - 56 (65 is passing).  Her average is English is a 5... yes I said a 5.  She is failing Spanish as well with a 60.  All grades haven't been posted for this marking cycle yet, but when I email the teachers asking about her progress every single one states that if she would just do her homework then she would be passing. 

Quoting HopesNDreams:

While I agree with you, there are some flaws with your plan.

What the counselor realizes and you do not is that your 'or else' has no weight. Legally, you cannot kick your minor daughter out - it's abandonment and you can be arrested for it. While there are ways to give her up to the state, I assure you that none of her behaviors are severe enough to warrant it. To put it bluntly, you are engaged in a pissing contest that she is going to win simply because she holds all the cards. Your only saving grace at this point is that your daughter might not yet realize it.

She wants you to stop nagging? Great. Very easy to solve. With the counselor, ask her to make a list if every single thing you nag her about. Then, group them by category: house, school, etc. set a minimum, achievable standard for each (ie all clothes will be off of your floor before you leave for school). If that minimum is achieved, then you commit to not nagging. It puts it in her hands - welcome to being an adult!
For grades, in my house, there is no nagging if you meet two standards 1. All assignments are attempted and turned in and 2. You must 'Live in the Mountains' (stay above C level - my son hates when I mention it by grades). If they maintain their commitment, I maintain my commitment to not nag.

Speaking in a respectful tone is non negotiable.

 

tyfry7496
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 4:15 PM
I agree.

Quoting atlmom2:

I agree with you on some of it. Kinda agree to let her fail though at this point. Her room cannot stink and she cannot disrespect you.
tyfry7496
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 4:15 PM
2 moms liked this
And it is time for a new counselor.
CaptNumo9
by New Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 5:29 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like the counselor is helping you teach your daughter the beauty of consequences and you to pick your battles. Eventually, she will not be able to tolerate the stench of her room. She will pay the consequences for not going to school and bad grades.

Sometimes when we control those details of our kid's lives, they use them against us. If they know it is important to us, they will dig their heels in. Have you considered that instead of pulling your parenting power, the counselor has put the responsibility of success or failure on to your daughters shoulders, off yours?

 I like what @Hopesndreams said, put the ball back in her court. And of course disrespect is not tolerated. Here are a couple of articles that might be helpful http://bit.ly/1bJpmF8    http://bit.ly/1e05v7S.

Your a good mom and raising teens is tough. Allowing the counselor to set the agenda, makes her/him the bad guy and you are off the hook, so to speak. That might be a good position to be in...especially with your daughters attitude at this point.

Hugs to you!

OHgirlinCA
by Bronze Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 5:39 PM
1 mom liked this

 I would take the counselor's advice and see what happens....

bexsmum
by Bronze Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 7:26 PM

Well on some points |I agree with the counselor Sorry to say.  If your DD feels you are nagging her about her grades let her be and let her fail. The only one she is hurtng is herself and she will ultimately pay the price. You can't force her to learn so why beat your head against the wall on it.  Now for her room thats something I tend to agree with as well my DD room was andsometies at 21 still is a bomb scare. I close the door or now that she is living in the basement just ignore her space. ALTHOUGH no dirty dishes and I don't do laundry that isn't in the laundry room on Saturdays and if it's not washed on Saturday you wait until I do laundry next weekend. SHe quickly learned that she would be without her favourite clothes, or without her sports clothing if it didn't make the hamper. AND no I wouldn't let her do a small load by herself as I hang all laundry outside in the nice weather and do laundry only on cheapest hydro times.Now the rtespect thing tell the fool of a counsellor that respect is required period end of story it's your house and you deserve and have done nothing to her to not be respected.

kali_w2
by Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 7:51 PM
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I have a teen daughter that doesn't do well in school either.  We saw a school councelor a couple times, with a little success.  I learned I HAVE to choose my battles.

I agree that the councelor is trying to teach her the value of consequences.  I think you should too.  Do you do her laundry?  That can be conditional.   Do you buy the groceries?  Foods she likes (vs healthy foods) could be conditional.

If the room really stinks - I'd HAVE go in and put EVERYTHING except the mattress in trash bags and lock anything of value in the garage (or a friends house).

I read or saw a story of extreem child problems - they took the doors off the bedroom and bathroom.  I also heard of parents handing out each days cloths and  posting pics of rooms, etc. on facebook, etc.  Just reminding you that you do have options.

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