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Son doesn't want to live with me. New here. Please help if you can . . .

Posted by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 2:33 PM
  • 15 Replies

Please help if you can. I am still in shock and sad and want to do what is best for my son but so hard to separate the feelings. My son told me yesterday that he does not want to live with me. He is 15. We have always been very close so this is not expected.  I raised him primarily myself until, well his father decided he wanted to be involved, which I encourage. I have been going through a very rough time, financial and health problems for several months.  I am just now in a place where I can turn things around but it will take some time. He even told me he would be ok if I moved to another city. I have asked him to think about this carefully and asked him to consider other options, change in schedule etc,  Right now it is 50/50. One week on one week off. Is this just teen age stuff? My home is not as convenient for him . . he has just started dating . . . The thing is I don't think he realizes that if I move away, which would provide me with better financial/career opportunities it will be hard for me to come back. I don't think he realizes how much he would miss me. He confides in me, not his father. We are meeting for dinner tonight and I was thinking of suggesting a different schedule but another part of me just feels like giving up. I have just been through so much to be part of his life. Brutal custody battle etc.  I do want him to be happy. I am just limited right now in providing him with the material possessions he wants, and I dare say feels entitled too. Honestly I am really just barely holding back the tears to write this. Thanks

by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 2:33 PM
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by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 5:34 PM
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Firstly, he is entitled to nothing but your love, care, food, clothing and shelter. Anything over and above that he should earn. Tough love is called for here. He is no baby; have a heart-to-heart and explain your situation exactly as it is. Does his father really love him, or is your son thinking his father will just give him everything he wants (not necessarily needs)?
by Silver Member on Nov. 29, 2013 at 7:04 PM
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I totally see both sides on this one. You have put in allthe work, and not that he is maturing and becoming more self -reliant, he wants Daddy. there is also the aspect of young ment NEEDING a role model. So much to take into consideration.

What is his Dad's house like vs. yours? Where does he have more fun and more freedom? Often when Dad's only have partial custody they become the "Disneyland Dad" aka let Mom deal with all the hassle, I will spoil him so he loves me more.

The problem is, at 15, the courts will let him have a say. As long as he can show reason why he should be with his Dad, you may not get a choice.

PP has a good suggestion but it wil ldepend o the maturity of your DS as to if it works. A true heart-to-heart may work. It may also be time to get him into counseling if he has an unrealistic idea about lfe with Dad.  My DH and I were talking separation and possibly divorce. Our 14yo DS was swearing he wanted to sty with DH if he left and that everything was all my fault. @@ Since seeing a counselor, he has a much more realistic idea of what is going on. I also decided that at his age he can know more of the reality that I was keeping from him.  the reality of budget, discipline, their education,etc. He is much more respectful toward me and would not be in such a rush to leave. (That said, on a good note, we seem to be working things out so it shouldn't be an issue)

Jinx - Homeschooling, Scouting & Karate butt-kicking  Mom to Life Scout Ian 1/982nd Class Sean 9/00, Junior GS Heidi 4/03. Wife to Joe & Alpha to German Shepherd Spazz.

by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 7:31 PM
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Give it time. My 14yo DS flops back and forth between our homes. We've always had 50/50, but this year he decided to live with me Sunday night thru Friday night, then go to his dads every weekend. That lasted two months, and now he's at dad's Sunday thru Friday. It doesn't bother me too much because I still pick him up from school, so I still see him every day. I miss him, but I want him to have some say since he was thrown around much of his childhood. His sister only goes to her dads every other weekend. I think they just want some stability.i wouldn't move away. Let him know that he always has a place in your home.

by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 5:24 PM
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I'm sorry mama, that's a hard one to hear.  I can remember saying those same words to my own mom at that age (wanting to live with my dad), but my dad didn't want me to live there and so I had to stay with my mom, which really turned out for the best (I was going through school issues, it wasn't related to my parents at all really).

Kids this age flip-flop a lot.  They don't realize what they really need or what's best for them, only what they want and what the easiest way to get it is.  

Hang in there.

by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 5:52 PM

Sad to hear but he is 15 and he knows what he wants.

by Barbara on Dec. 1, 2013 at 3:41 PM

Maybe he thinks you moving is the best thing for you since it's a good opportunity. Is it possible he's trying to do the mature, adult thing by telling you this? 

by Emily on Dec. 1, 2013 at 3:50 PM
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Quoting Barabell:

Maybe he thinks you moving is the best thing for you since it's a good opportunity. Is it possible he's trying to do the mature, adult thing by telling you this? 

I was thinking it was partly this and partly wanting to know his dad better now that he is back.You are right ,he may not realize the difficulty moving will bring...he is still 15 and they ALWAYS think getting things the way the want is easier than it is.

This could have little to do with you and everything with wanting to know his dad better.He knows your love for him is strong and everlasting.You have been there for him.He knows he loves you and knows you love him and YOU are always there even in heart for him.This may cause him not to know how painful his request maybe.You have raised him well...he feels loved and secure with you,

by on Dec. 1, 2013 at 6:27 PM
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im sorryI can imagine your pain....if it was me, i would let him do what he wants....keeping my heart open and near just in case he may need it...

by on Dec. 1, 2013 at 6:36 PM
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Your have to let him choose and at the same time do what is best for you as well.
This may be a phase or just your son deciding that he wants dad time since he has had mom time.
Always keep yourself available to him as far as open communication and let him know he is always welcome.
Good luck to u and your son
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:03 AM
Hi!! My 13 yo DD went to live with her dad saying "she wanted to". I'm not so sure. This came about six months after our older daughter came to me and said "if I have to go back over there I'm going to kill myself!!" I took her seriously and immediately put her in counseling and retained a lawyer.

Let me back up..... I left my ex bc of extreme emotional, psychological abuse. (And he wasn't around when the older daughter was a newborn, not at the birth either. He was having an affair!!)

Anyway, I retained a lawyer and got court ordered counseling for both of them together. He never went!!! But I took my DD to her appts.

So back to the present day..... I believe my ex thought in his mind it would be payback for him to also retain a lawyer and file for primary custody of both of the girls!! I was hysterical!! There was no way he was getting primary custody of the older daughter but the younger one did choose to go live with him.

Now here we are three years later and my oldest doesn't speak to her father (he blames me!!) and my youngest doesn't speak to me (again my fault according to him).

I haven't seen or spoken to my younger daughter in almost three months. It's beyond heartbreaking. They don't know how many hearts they're breaking!! I wish this would end!! I let her go over there and he had more time and power to groom her into disliking me and it worked. I thought I was taking the high road by allowing her to go live with her dad but it all came back to bite me in the face!!!
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