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My children fight EVERYDAY!!!

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2013 at 8:55 PM
  • 13 Replies
I'm soo lost and at the end of my rope. My children fight all the time. When they were little and younger they got along wonderfully. We homeschooled all three children and traveled constantly as a family. I know as kids grow they argue but this is too much. Slowly we introduced our children into public school thinking as they developed their own unique friendships, they would ease up on each other. The oldest and youngest are both boys with 3.5 years between them. We have a daughter in the middle. She pretty much gets along one on one with both boys. She is a great helper and mature for her age. The boys seem to bother each other daily. It escalates quickly and I just don't know what to do anymore. We have skipped vacations because I can't stand being around everyone bickering. I had always envisioned a family that got along, enjoyed being together and did things together. I set my hopes high. The fighting is causing so much grief that it is just a cycle. I'm sad we don't do more as a family, I'm sad when we do, they fight. And I'm sad that as we skip activities and events, we won't get second chances as my oldest is 2 years from graduating. I don't want to look back and regret all the missed moments. But I don't like the thought of rewarding this behavior. It's just constant ridiculing, name calling, belittling, sass, sarcasm, spite, and intimidation. I'm just worn out, emotionally drained and becoming very depressed. This just isn't what I ever imagined. What advice does anyone who's been through this have? Please don't just say "it gets better". This has been years......
by on Dec. 11, 2013 at 8:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Barabell
by Barbara on Dec. 11, 2013 at 9:07 PM

What are the ages of your kids?

Can you give some examples of how they are behaving and how you are currently reacting/handling their fighting? 

lagunamomma
by New Member on Dec. 11, 2013 at 10:52 PM
They are almost 12, 13.5, and 15.5

The boys just aggravate each other constantly. Like knowing which button to push. My youngest is sensitive so the oldest plays on that. When neighbors pick on him, his older brother won't defend him. Just little things like hitting each when they pass each other. Ignoring requests, making fun of something the other likes or talking down to him in an arrogant way.
We've tried it all from time outs (when they were younger) to taking away cellphones, video games, making them apologize, sitting thru so many "family meetings" and discussions. They know I came from a dis functional broken home and all I ever wanted was good relationships between them. I thought I was doing things right..... Stay at home mom, raising them in the church, doing charity, homeschooling, supporting their interests and activities. This is just the big thing missing. Peace. Respect. It's not there.
drfink
by Emily on Dec. 11, 2013 at 11:43 PM

Hmm ,do they squabble or actively act like they dislike each other.

My teen boys are 16 months apart.They will squabble and 30 seconds later be laughing together.When they were younger if they squabbled over something ,a toy ,who's turn it was for something ,not fair one had a chore stuff like that.I made a rule resolve it peacefully and fairly...my or dad's decision if it was fair LOL...or the toy was put up ,no one got a turn ,they both did the chore.They also had to hug it out till they could calm down.

Maybe you can set these type rules up at your house.

I am sorry .It is nice ,mine both have separate friends but they share some friends and happily do stuff together at times..I hope as yours get older ,maybe some time apart when the oldest goes to college will help them become close again.My daughter has a very close friend ,the friend has an older brother.They squabbled a lot.Once he went off to college she talked about him ,bragged about him and missed him.She graduated from college last Sat and the closeness they found nine years ago hasn't disappeared.

GMMC
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:27 AM

Oh my...

If I only knew myself but I swear I know how you feel. I will say that in the last few weeks I have seen some positive changes but man oh man...it hurts the heart doesn't it? I wished for the same and made what I thought all the right moves. Sometimes I even call them...sacrifices.

Perhaps at best we can only hope that in time things will change...or so we can hope.

I talk to them about it on a one to one matter and share deeply from the heart. I find myself asking all the time, "you do love your brother, right?" I just keep talking and sharing the importance of family and more so the importance of siblings. How that someday they will be so a matter to them, I just know that they will.

I share, I talk, I talk and talk some more.

It seems like it is all I have.

Best to both of us!

lagunamomma
by New Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 6:24 AM
There are times when they do get along. Recently my husband and I went out to dinner and came home and my youngest was so excited that his brother played a board game with him while we were gone. When we have these discussions everyone gets emotional, they say they love each other and that they think this bickering is normal. I know some bickering is normal, I get that. But these two seem to go out of their ways to find things to argue about.

Quoting drfink:

Hmm ,do they squabble or actively act like they dislike each other.

My teen boys are 16 months apart.They will squabble and 30 seconds later be laughing together.When they were younger if they squabbled over something ,a toy ,who's turn it was for something ,not fair one had a chore stuff like that.I made a rule resolve it peacefully and fairly...my or dad's decision if it was fair LOL...or the toy was put up ,no one got a turn ,they both did the chore.They also had to hug it out till they could calm down.

Maybe you can set these type rules up at your house.

I am sorry .It is nice ,mine both have separate friends but they share some friends and happily do stuff together at times..I hope as yours get older ,maybe some time apart when the oldest goes to college will help them become close again.My daughter has a very close friend ,the friend has an older brother.They squabbled a lot.Once he went off to college she talked about him ,bragged about him and missed him.She graduated from college last Sat and the closeness they found nine years ago hasn't disappeared.

lagunamomma
by New Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 6:34 AM
GMMC ...... Thanks for your reply. You said it, it hurts the heart. It does, deeply. My husband and I explain that the reason our kids are so close to their cousins is because we get along with our siblings. And wouldn't they want that too when they're older??
I'm sure I have false expectations of how I wish they'd get along, but it's the hurtful, spiteful things that bother us the most. If it were arguing over a toy, clothing, belongings, that's one thing. But what we notice is intentional comments to hurt, ridicule, or belittle. That's what hurts my heart. I did not raise them to be like this.
Sacrifices are it. We've gone without so they can have name brand, expensive lessons, whatnot. I'm sure I've over compensated for my crummy childhood. I didn't think that would backfire.
We do one on one outings often so they can have that time with one of us. Going out to eat, movies, shopping, hunting, fishing, they pick. We talk then and I try to reinforce the importance of family and respect.
Maybe one day it'll click.
Thanks

Quoting GMMC:

Oh my...


If I only knew myself but I swear I know how you feel. I will say that in the last few weeks I have seen some positive changes but man oh man...it hurts the heart doesn't it? I wished for the same and made what I thought all the right moves. Sometimes I even call them...sacrifices.


Perhaps at best we can only hope that in time things will change...or so we can hope.


I talk to them about it on a one to one matter and share deeply from the heart. I find myself asking all the time, "you do love your brother, right?" I just keep talking and sharing the importance of family and more so the importance of siblings. How that someday they will be so a matter to them, I just know that they will.


I share, I talk, I talk and talk some more.


It seems like it is all I have.


Best to both of us!

HopeAlive
by on Dec. 12, 2013 at 10:36 AM

Oh friend, I'm so sorry... That doesn't sound easy at all, and I really do hear your frustration. I found this article that might provide some helpful tips... Also, I've heard this book is really good and might give you some insights.

 

GMMC
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 4:07 PM

 Oh my again...

You took the words right out of my mouth!

You really did, I so get it.

Quoting lagunamomma: GMMC ...... Thanks for your reply. You said it, it hurts the heart. It does, deeply. My husband and I explain that the reason our kids are so close to their cousins is because we get along with our siblings. And wouldn't they want that too when they're older??
I'm sure I have false expectations of how I wish they'd get along, but it's the hurtful, spiteful things that bother us the most. If it were arguing over a toy, clothing, belongings, that's one thing. But what we notice is intentional comments to hurt, ridicule, or belittle. That's what hurts my heart. I did not raise them to be like this.
Sacrifices are it. We've gone without so they can have name brand, expensive lessons, whatnot. I'm sure I've over compensated for my crummy childhood. I didn't think that would backfire.
We do one on one outings often so they can have that time with one of us. Going out to eat, movies, shopping, hunting, fishing, they pick. We talk then and I try to reinforce the importance of family and respect.
Maybe one day it'll click.
Thanks

Quoting GMMC:

Oh my...


If I only knew myself but I swear I know how you feel. I will say that in the last few weeks I have seen some positive changes but man oh man...it hurts the heart doesn't it? I wished for the same and made what I thought all the right moves. Sometimes I even call them...sacrifices.


Perhaps at best we can only hope that in time things will change...or so we can hope.


I talk to them about it on a one to one matter and share deeply from the heart. I find myself asking all the time, "you do love your brother, right?" I just keep talking and sharing the importance of family and more so the importance of siblings. How that someday they will be so a matter to them, I just know that they will.


I share, I talk, I talk and talk some more.


It seems like it is all I have.


Best to both of us!

 

mumsy2three
by Shauna on Dec. 12, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Sounds like my sons. They aren't teens yet but are 3 years apart and have a love- hate relationship depending on the time of day. I am hoping they grow out of it.

GMMC
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 4:21 PM

 Remember that "this too will surely pass." It is often difficult to believe that children who have squabbled so intensely for so many years can actually have civilized relationships later in life. Yet in the vast majority of cases, a child's passage into adolescence and adulthood ends sibling warfare and replaces it with pleasant camaraderie, deepening friendship, and (most surprisingly) fervent loyalty.

Taken from the article...

So there is hope...

Thanks!

 

Quoting HopeAlive:

Oh friend, I'm so sorry... That doesn't sound easy at all, and I really do hear your frustration. I found this article that might provide some helpful tips... Also, I've heard this book is really good and might give you some insights.

 

 

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