Looking for Input for Consequence/Reward list for older teen
My very soon to be 17 yr old daughter has control issues and verbal abusive tendencies. Would it be a touch of humor to state that she is otherwise a great kid. She has decent grades, good friends although just a few, never any issue with promiscuity, alcohol or drugs. She has started a job at a fast food place where her siblings work. She likes working and loves having her own spending money plus she seems to be doing better in school since obtaining her very part time job.
A bit of background...
She is the youngest of 4. Lost my oldest daughter (her sister) to Leukemia nearly 3 yrs ago. My others are now 22(s) and 20 (d) who live at home while they finish off college. I have been a single mom, rearing them nearly on my own for the past 14 yrs except for the couple hours a week their father has wedged for them in his schedule.
A bit over a year ago she was dealing with suicidal tendencies. Yes- I contacted the hospital and she was admitted for about a week. It was then that she realized she really doesn't have it so bad as she heard of young girls who were beaten, raped, pregnant, drug addicts themselves or their parents were into drugs etc. We followed up with several months of counseling to help her deal with the tremendous loss we all experienced and the drastic changes occurring within our family as the other children talk of eventually moving out to pursue careers. I, myself have been dating someone seriously. We had some nicer months since hospitalization & counseling. When things are good they are very good- when they are bad - it is HELL!
Over the past few months she has become verbally abusive towards me and even physical once. According to her (when she is irate) I am a loser, negligent mom who is also a witch (w/a b), a c you next Tuesday ( I LOATHE that word) and more. Three months ago she got in my face and went to hit me. I held up my arm in defense and held her hand back in which she threw herself on the floor. Yes- she called her father who in turn called the police (yes I had even asked for some help from my ex and that is what he did w/o even the courtesy to contact me). When the police arrived & the entire truth came out my daughter was told I could press charges against her. It took two months for my ex to apologize for believing her.
Now she is telling my bf that I beat her and the older kids- WTF. He has seen me with my kids and there is absolutely no question in his mind. She gets VERY irate when I go with my boyfriend for a weekend or when she feels my 22 yr old son pays too much attention to his girlfriend. I began to realize that her teenage tantrums are a cry for attention. While she is being verbally abusive on the phone I will calmly tell her I will not take the abuse and let her know I am hanging up. Between our work schedules and her school we don't have a ton of together time but I attempt to do something with her as time permits at least once or twice a week.
It is apparent that I am now dealing with a product of all those years of spoiling the baby of the family. I didn't date much for the first 10 yrs or so of divorce life so I can focus on my 4 kids. I came home after a full time job to make a sit down dinner for us and help with homework, attend school concerts & plays etc. We don't live a luxurious life style but their needs are met and many of their wants. She has stated a couple times that she wishes things could always be the way they were when the kids were little.
I am at a loss. Living with her father is not an option (he prefers to remain the convenience kinda dad). In the meantime I am thinking I need to set tough love guidelines- a consequence/reward list and literally spell it out. I came up with a few consequences:
turn off cell phone
or turn of text capability for lesser "crimes"
take off bedroom door
no rides (other than mandatory school)
Any other ideas? How about for rewards? Yes it is obvious I am in need of creative ideas.