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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Nearly 13 and hiding a school BF, skipping classes, oh my...

Posted by on Dec. 27, 2013 at 8:36 PM
  • 11 Replies

My daughter is only 12 1/2 years old, 7th grade. We monitor her e-mail and text messages and have found that while she was at her father's house, she exchanged many e-mails with a boy with lots of "I love you's".

Our rule is no school BF's until the 8th grade and if they want to hang out, then it will be parent supervised. Car dates will be allowed at 16. That said, she is not telling us the truth abou this boy. Her report card came in the mail and I've discovered many absences that shouldn't be there - therefore it appears she's skipping a few classes.

I do not want her to know that her e-communications are being monitored, but I do want to sit her down and have a talk about honesty and sharing. My ex-husband and I plan on doing this together, which will be very unusuall for us to do with her.

I am expecting her to lie and tell us there's nothing she's hiding. My quesiton is, how to I get a child who once shared everything with me, to open up again?

My instinct is to attach, but I know that won't do a bit of good.

by on Dec. 27, 2013 at 8:36 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Not_A_Native
by Bronze Member on Dec. 27, 2013 at 8:56 PM
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First, realize your cut and dried, "age" rules are going to create nothing but constant fighting.

Second, you can't put the genie back in the bottle.

Third, it's probably all pretty innocent, and I wouldn't overthink this.  Sure, there are 12 year olds having sex - mostly as rebellion, or those who have parents who leave them to their own devices.  Mostly, it's "puppy love" at ages like this.  Kids learning how to relate to the opposite sex.

My suggestion is NOT to tell her about monitoring her email, although chances are she may know anyway (kids are smarter than you think).  I used to lie about a bunch of stuff as a kid that age, knowing my parents were checking my purse, my books, and such.  Just to keep them on edge, lol.

If you haven't already, make sure you have a good, open dialog with her about sex, and boys, and birth control, and dating.  And that it doesn't start and stop with - don't do it.  She needs REAL knowledge, and is old enough for it.  And it can't be a one time thing either.  Make, for instance, a weekly mom and daughter date for breakffast out, or coffee out or something like that, just you and her.  A time where no one else interferes.

And next - lighten up.  She's growing up and is not going to be your CHILD to tell what to do all the time.  You've laid the foundation - you need to start allowing her to make choices, and yes, to make mistakes and learn from them.

atlmom2
by Susie on Dec. 27, 2013 at 9:06 PM
I would not allow her to have a phone so young. Just me. Mine survived till HS without phones. I would lay down expectations and talk a lot watch her like a hawk. Skipping class means she needs consequences for sure. You are gonna be in for a hellish ride if she is already doing what she is doing.
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SuperLooneyMom
by on Dec. 27, 2013 at 9:35 PM
Well I'm no good here cause when I confirm my boys have gf I'm gonna kill them( not literally). But I my kids can't trust me to love them everyway with whatever challenges or loves then I won't trust them not to be open to me. Last thing I need is some girls mom or worse dad pointing fingers at us. I myself will monitor their stuff in front of my boys. Why ? Because I don't trust them to not say, and they have said this " take her mf pussy and wet it with your penis) " seriously I'm not letting my boys do whatever the heck they want. At 18 and only at 18 when they move out they can do or say what they want. And they better be able to pay for their stuff or decisions.

Again sorry I'm no help
bizzeemom2717
by on Dec. 28, 2013 at 1:29 AM
I think this is all excellent advice! I have a DS that turned 21 today and Daughter age 16 so have been through it. My only differing opinion is that I would tell her about monitoring of email. If you want to have an "honest" sit down discussion with her you prob should be honest yourself to help build trust and communication back up between 2 of you. If you lie while asking her to be 100% honest I think it's hypocritical. Just my opinion.

Quoting Not_A_Native:

First, realize your cut and dried, "age" rules are going to create nothing but constant fighting.


Second, you can't put the genie back in the bottle.


Third, it's probably all pretty innocent, and I wouldn't overthink this.  Sure, there are 12 year olds having sex - mostly as rebellion, or those who have parents who leave them to their own devices.  Mostly, it's "puppy love" at ages like this.  Kids learning how to relate to the opposite sex.


My suggestion is NOT to tell her about monitoring her email, although chances are she may know anyway (kids are smarter than you think).  I used to lie about a bunch of stuff as a kid that age, knowing my parents were checking my purse, my books, and such.  Just to keep them on edge, lol.


If you haven't already, make sure you have a good, open dialog with her about sex, and boys, and birth control, and dating.  And that it doesn't start and stop with - don't do it.  She needs REAL knowledge, and is old enough for it.  And it can't be a one time thing either.  Make, for instance, a weekly mom and daughter date for breakffast out, or coffee out or something like that, just you and her.  A time where no one else interferes.


And next - lighten up.  She's growing up and is not going to be your CHILD to tell what to do all the time.  You've laid the foundation - you need to start allowing her to make choices, and yes, to make mistakes and learn from them.

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PurpleHazey
by on Dec. 28, 2013 at 5:23 AM

8th grade? My rule is point blank 16 until dating and after 4 kids it has worked! My husband and father of my children stand by this rule so I would say change and toughing up or your problems will worsen.

PurpleHazey
by on Dec. 28, 2013 at 5:25 AM

 

Quoting atlmom2: I would not allow her to have a phone so young. Just me. Mine survived till HS without phones. I would lay down expectations and talk a lot watch her like a hawk. Skipping class means she needs consequences for sure. You are gonna be in for a hellish ride if she is already doing what she is doing.

 I agree with you, what does a 12 year old need with a cell and when are these parents going to admit that this texting is one of the main issues with losing control of their young teens!

PurpleHazey
by on Dec. 28, 2013 at 5:31 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting SuperLooneyMom: Well I'm no good here cause when I confirm my boys have gf I'm gonna kill them( not literally). But I my kids can't trust me to love them everyway with whatever challenges or loves then I won't trust them not to be open to me. Last thing I need is some girls mom or worse dad pointing fingers at us. I myself will monitor their stuff in front of my boys. Why ? Because I don't trust them to not say, and they have said this " take her mf pussy and wet it with your penis) " seriously I'm not letting my boys do whatever the heck they want. At 18 and only at 18 when they move out they can do or say what they want. And they better be able to pay for their stuff or decisions.

Again sorry I'm no help

 That is help, do you know how many post about their young teens having boy/girl friends end up posting a year down the line that their 14, 15 year old is now pregnant "people never learn" and teens never change they are no different than when I was a teen "give them freedom and live with a problem teen". Good God when are parents going to relize!

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Dec. 28, 2013 at 1:06 PM

I think it is great that you and your ex are co parenting together.     That said,  I think if you want an open, honest relationship with her,  you have to start with being honest yourself.    




gonecrazi
by on Dec. 28, 2013 at 6:57 PM

 I agree...

Quoting atlmom2: I would not allow her to have a phone so young. Just me. Mine survived till HS without phones. I would lay down expectations and talk a lot watch her like a hawk. Skipping class means she needs consequences for sure. You are gonna be in for a hellish ride if she is already doing what she is doing.

 

mindful23
by on Dec. 29, 2013 at 12:30 AM
Do the best you can by offering a lot of love and support. Shes only twelve and in the puppy love stage. Wait till shes in grade 8/9 thats when things become a little serious.

Stick to the monitoring and lots of girlie talk mama. You'll be fine.
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