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EDITIED Kids drinking soda at bedtime and other things

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2014 at 11:25 AM
  • 255 Replies
2 moms liked this

Hi all, 

I am new to Cafemom today.

PLEASE HELP AND GIVE YOUR OPINIONS....

I am desperate to have opinions from other moms....   my husband and I are having a hard time agreeing on some things as our kids become teenagers (son 12yo daughter 14yo) AND IT'S REALLY AFFECTING OUR MARRIAGE BADLY!  I am convinced he has really poor social judgment and really doesn't understand norms or what most parents would do in certain situations. His mom allowed him to do absolutely anything and everything he wanted, he never had chores to do, never had to help out, never had boundaries and so that's the way he wants to parent our kids.  He spent his entire childhood in the basement of his parents home on the farm, playing video games. He now works in our basement doing programming ... have very little contact with the real world and other parents. 




So here are some of the conflict we are having and I would love to know what other moms think:  

Our 12yo son wants to drink soda every night at 10pm which is the time he should be in bed so he can be up by 6am next morning for school.  (It's sugar free, stevia sweetened - called Zevia). He never drinks just regular water no matter how much I try. (His dad drinks about 8 cans of this 'supposedly healthy' and very expensive soda a day and never drinks water so son is imitating father).  I told son on a couple of nights that he was not allowed to drink soda at 10pm, just water and then bed. On the third night at 9:45pm son came into kitchen while husband and I were there, tried to get a soda, I said no again (and didn't give explanation because I had had that discussion with him previously). My husband challenged me in front of son, asked me for my reasoning, disagreed with me - said he should be allowed to drink soda at 9:45pm or 10pm and he doesn't need to drink water because according to him "research shows that there is enough water in food so we don't need to be drinking water!!!".  So my husband and I had a huge disagreement on this and he is angry with me, saying I am making arbitrary rules to just control the kids. 

He also thinks the kids should be allowed to watch as many videos and be on screens as much as they want to because they should be able to use their free time however they want. (they are in a gifted program at school, get a lot of homework and are very busy so he thinks their free time should be completely on their own doing whatever they want, with no supervision of free time).  He NEVER ever checks their texts or checks what they are doing on their screens.  When I try to get them to engage in more varied activities during SOME of  their free time he thinks I am controlling them. He says they should be able to whatever they want for ALL of their free time.  


My husband never gives the kids chores to do in the house (because he does so little himself in the house anyway....)  and when I give my son a job and he has a bad attitude and does it grudgingly, I won't accept the bad attitude and my husband once again thinks I am too hard on the kid.  (Daughter always has a good attitude about chores and jobs). 


So - this is my question: 
Would you allow your kids to drink soda at 9:45pm or 10pm at night when bedtime is 10pm?  
Would you allow your early teens to spend all free time on a screen?
Would you give your teens phones and computers without any filtering software and never check what they are doing?  
Would you accept bad attitudes when kids are doing jobs?  

Am I being an unreasonable parent, because that's what my husband thinks. He even wants us to go to a counselor because he thinks I am being 'controlling'.      PLEASE HELP AND GIVE YOUR OPINIONS....



THANKS FOR ALL YOUR REPLIES, ADVICE, ENCOURAGEMENT, OPINIONS...  !!!  We went to see a counselor today ( I made sure we saw someone who does family/marriage counseling but who also knows about adult autism. She said he likely has Asperger's / high funcitoning autism and that he's not neurotypical. (she didn't do the formal test but based that on history and description). He immediately said he's fine with who he is and any diagnosis wont' change anything because he is OK!  I have had that suspicion for a long time but now confirmed.... and he just shrugs it off.  I am just so sad!  




by on Jan. 3, 2014 at 11:25 AM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 3, 2014 at 11:27 AM
19 moms liked this
Don't buy soda at all. Kids should be in bed before 10 anyway. Did you know all this before you married??
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momjicab
by Member on Jan. 3, 2014 at 11:35 AM
2 moms liked this

:-)   My husband buys soda by the case full, drinks 8-10 cans a day, and I have no say in that so I have no choice but to have soda in the house. My daughter and i don't touch the stuff, hate it. But son wants to do what dad does.... 

I didn't know this before we were married ... I don't think anyone can really know someone before getting married.... :-(  

thanks for your opinion ... if I had my way we would never have soda in the house!  

lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Jan. 3, 2014 at 11:43 AM
16 moms liked this

Its terrible you aren't on the same page. You can control some of this by not bringing soda into the home. Let dh get his. My kids didn't drink much soda as teens still don't as 20 somethings.

so to answer your questions

NO Also all through HS my kids were in bed by 9:30/9:45

NO they weren't allowed free access to computer. They didn't have smart phones, TV was not on  Sun - Thurs PM., WE didn't get a gaming system until they were in HS.

Everything they did online was monitored.

Bad attitude you got them in their rooms. Their rooms had furniture, a stereo(which was unplugged when they were being punished) and bookcase full of books. NO TV, No laptop or any other electronics.

GO to a Counselor let them point out Hubby's behavior to him. They will also help you get on the same parenting page.

Surround yourself with people that add to your life not subtract from it.

mamavalor
by Member on Jan. 3, 2014 at 12:00 PM
6 moms liked this

No, I would not let them drink soda after dinner.  In fact I would restrict soda consumption to only special occasions as soda is terrible to the health:  diabetes, osteoporosis, and obesity to name a few.  I don't buy soda so there is no soda in the house to fight over.

No, I would not.  I encourage my kids to spend their free time wisely:  read something, learn something new, create, cook, make something, go for a hike, a walk, a bike ride.  Go get a job.  Volunteer.  Spending time with video games/TV is fine but these definitely should not be their only options. 

They have phones and ipod touches.  Hubby and I have been instilling honesty and trust and responsibility in them since they were little.  They also know that while hubby and I don't always agree, we always stick together when it comes to dealing with them.  No lying or deceitfulness is tolerated in our house.  They know clearly where we stand on things and if they mess up they know exactly what will happen.

Bad attitudes are NEVER accepted no matter who you are or what you do.  This includes the hubby.  You both need to sit down and have a long talk.

 

 

 

momjicab
by Member on Jan. 3, 2014 at 12:03 PM

So good hearing what others would do because that's in line with my opinions but I have two teenages to try and parent and butting up against a husband that thinks those opinions are controlling them....   so hard. 

momjicab
by Member on Jan. 3, 2014 at 12:05 PM

Just have to add that the soda he buys is called 'Zevia'.  It is VERY expensive (over $1 a can), and apparently healthy according to my husbands research ....   so he drinks a LOT of it, thinks it contains all the water he needs, spends thousands on just that 'healthy' soda, and thinks it's fine for our son to drink whenever he wants...   !!!!  And that's just a small part of the problem...   :-(  

lulumomof2
by New Member on Jan. 3, 2014 at 12:15 PM
8 moms liked this
So - this is my question: 
Would you allow your kids to drink soda at 9:45pm or 10pm at night when bedtime is 10pm?  I have 2 sons (15 yo/13 yo). They get up every morning at 6:30 and their "bedtime" is 10- they have to go to bed, they can quietly read or listen to music until 10:30, then its lights out. Most nights my oldest is asleep by 10 and my younger son falls asleep while sitting on the sofa around 9, lol!! Pop that late, nope not in our house!
Would you allow your early teens to spend all free time on a screen?In the winter (we live in the midwest) its hard to be outside playing (my youngest would try though). So in the winter I have to monitor their "screen time" but normally if they can be outside that is where they both want to be. Even when its cold out I don't let them spend all their free time on a screen.  
Would you give your teens phones and computers without any filtering software and never check what they are doing?  Both my sons have iPhones, tablets and laptops. They don't have any filters on them BUT they know that I can (and do check their browser history and text messages. My sons and I have a pretty open and honest relationship and are comfortable talking to me. All screen time ends at 9 pm. Phone chargers are in the kitchen so at 9 they go on the charger.
Would you accept bad attitudes when kids are doing jobs?  To be honest for me there is a difference between having a bad attitude and back talking me. For example house rule is bedrooms have to be cleaned by 5 pm on Friday or there is no going out/having people over for them on the weekend, until it is cleaned PROPERLY. My kids, more than once have gone to their rooms to clean and been pissed off about it. I can hear them talking to themselves about why they don't understand why if its their room they have to clean it, and things like that. They aren't yelling or even talking to me, so I ignore it. They do what they need to do all is good. Now if they were yelling at me or backing talking me that is a whole different story. But I don't care if they don't want to do it and grumble about it they whole time they do it, as long as they get it done (and done right). They don't have a lot of chores, they have to keep their rooms clean, my older son does the dishes and by "does the dishes" I mean unloading the dishwasher, usually 2x per day and reloading after dinner. And my younger son does the trash (empty all trash cans in house and take outside as well as taking trash cans and recycles to the curb once a week). My kids 4 out of 5 days have 1-2 hours of homework, then on top of that studying for any tests/quizes they may have 2-3 hours of school work to do! So I try not to over-load them with too much housework. Now on the weekends they will mow the lawn/pick up dog poo and help with anyother yard work we may have. In the winter they shovel/snow blow our driveway/sidewalks and also does the neighbor's as well.

Am I being an unreasonable parent, because that's what my husband thinks. He even wants us to go to a counselor because he thinks I am being 'controlling'.   <sigh>    PLEASE HELP AND GIVE YOUR OPINIONS.... I don't think your being unreasonable but given how you said your dh was raised I can see why he thinks that. I would go to a counselor, can't hurt, might even help!! Good luck!

Dobermans are like Potato chips, nobody can have just one!

momjicab
by Member on Jan. 3, 2014 at 4:38 PM

This all makes me feel so much better....  I really need mmy husband to see what other people think so it helps having all your perspectives and what you do with your kids. I definitely don't think I am too strict :-)   But I fear we are sprialing down because my husband keeps questioning me in front of the kids and so they think I am being the 'mean' one and they can get whatever they want from dad :-( 

cybcm
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2014 at 5:39 PM
1 mom liked this
We don't buy soda, waste of money, so no.

I'm yet to have a child who wants to be in front of a screen all day but if one did I would be encouraging a bit more variety. I have no gripes with video games and movies, but balance is the key.

I don't use filtering software, I believe in teaching self moderation.

Depends on the frequency of the attitude. We all live here so we all pitch in, but everyone has off days and that's okay.
notjstanothrmom
by on Jan. 3, 2014 at 5:43 PM
3 moms liked this

Your husband needs to grow up! Good luck with that. I couldn't be with someone with so little common sense.

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