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Advice Needed: Type your question for our moms to answer I am...

Posted by on Jan. 4, 2014 at 11:58 AM
  • 14 Replies

Type your question for our moms to answer! I am the mother of a 12 and 14 yr old and this is my first question. I joined today to get some advice - or just to have a sounding board. My 14 yr old daughter has had a BF since 2nd grade. I don't want to say I'm afraid, but I'm pretty sure her friend now has a new BF. She has told my daughter that the two of them are still BF's, but that they are more "sister" BF's and the other girl is also a BF. O.k., I get it - you can have more than one BF, and I'm o.k. with that. I guess I'm just a littler disappointed (more than a little, actually), that increasingly my daughter's supposedly BF is doing more and more with the other BF - and not including my daughter. We have treated and done many nice things for this girl, including taking her for a week to the family cabin, and getting tickets for and taking her out of town to see One Direction (her mother paid for ticket). Don't get me wrong, I would never try to buy a friendship for my daughter - but it's always nice if the family/friend would reciprocate a "treat" in return. To make a long story short, my daughter learned by overhearing a conversation between her BF and the "new" BF, that they traveled to Chicago to see "Wicked" together. I'll have to admit that I was a little upset that my daughter wasn't extended the invitation. If I were the girls parent, I probably would have made sure that the invitation went to my daughter (and not the other BF). We also hosted a Holiday party for my daughter's group of friends (4 girls and 3 boys). We had said the girls could stay overnight. One had a conflict, and the other 3 went back to my daughter's BF friend's house for a sleepover - and our daughter was extended an invitation as an afterthought. I guess I'm not sure why my daughter's BF is leaving my daughter out of things. There have been other times where they do things as a group, but then the mom of the my daughter's supposed BF pick up her daughter and the new BF (and sometimes another girl) - and they have a sleepover at her house. What is going on? What bothers me is that my daughter is o.k. with the fact that her BF has made other plans that have not included her. I feel like I'm going crazy. What type of advice should I give my daughter. Also, my daughter's supposed BF has been lying lately to cover up what the other BF and her might have plans for. To make it even more disappointing to my husband and I, the mother also tells some "white lies" to cover for her daughter. I'm just not liking this.

by on Jan. 4, 2014 at 11:58 AM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 4, 2014 at 1:07 PM
2 moms liked this
Kids change and you cannot take all your friends to every event. By the end of HS your dd may have totally different friends. My girls are out of hs and believe me they change and move on during hs.
My dd will ask one friend to something and other to something else. Everything doesn't include every friend. Same thing goes for adults. Do you ask every friend to everything you do??
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PinkButterfly66
by on Jan. 4, 2014 at 1:14 PM

That must be heartbreaking to watch, mom.  It sounds like your daughter's friend has a new best friend and your daughter needs to find another best friend.  It is really too bad that her friend's mom is not encouraging her daughter to include both 'besties' in activities.   I don't think that there is much you can do.   You could talk to the girl's mother about it, but in the end, it really is the girl's decision and not her mom's or yours whether she wants to include your daughter or not.

drfink
by Emily on Jan. 4, 2014 at 1:39 PM

 Kids change. Help your daughter develop other strong relationships.Invite different girls along for dinner or a movie.

Possibly the white lies are to spare your daughters feelings.

I am sure when you did all those things with the friend when they were close.That does not obligate her to yall on and on.Include other girls now.We have often taken friends to our beach house ,some continue to be close friends others grow apart .

amonkeymom
by Amy on Jan. 4, 2014 at 3:17 PM

I agree with the other moms, kids change.  At this age they often change who their friends/friend groups are and that's totally normal, but I'm still sorry that this is hurting your daughter's feelings.

Encourage her to expand her friend group.  She may find out that she has more in common with another girl or boy than with her current BFF and that's ok.

As far as the Wicked trip, perhaps your daughter's friend's other friend was the one who treated for that.  Or perhaps your daughter's friend was allowed only to invite one friend and though that her other friend would enjoy it more than your daughter.  Don't judge, you don't know the whole story.

momof14yrold
by on Jan. 4, 2014 at 3:51 PM

Thanks, everyone, for the speedy advice.  Out of the 3 replies, not to offend anyone, I agree most with PinkButterfly, because that's how I would probably react if my daughter were the one creating the hurt feelings.  I'm not too worried about her, because she recognizes that relationships can change as far as closeness through the years.  I did talk to her about the girls lying and her response was, "Everone lies sometimes".  This is true.  I'm sure I am peeved at her friend because she is lying to my daughter, and having her mother back up her lies sometimes.  I don't want to say I dislike my daughter's friend, but I am disappointed in her behavior.  She was actually over for a sleepover last night and I pulled the girl aside and talked to her.  I didn't yell at her, but I did talk to her very matter of factly and let her know that I was disappointed and why, that I knew about the lying, and that my daughter deserved better.  I almost made the girl cry (which I did not intend), but I felt it was important that she knew I was "in the know" and, hopefully, would reflect on her behavior.  I carefully weighed saying something vs. not saying anything to the girl, but I was so angry and hurt I decided it was best to get it out in the open - even if it meant the loss of the friendship.  In hindsight, I'm glad I did it (at least, at the moment).  The girls are going to attempt a sleepover Sunday at the other girls house, because my conversation with her made her feel uncomfortable and that I should have "talked to her mother".  Maybe I should have, but I don't think it would have had the same impact.  She also mentioned that they are "best friends" and really would like to have my daughter over for the sleepover.  So, maybe not all is lost.  I can't say I totally trust her now, but I will treat her wecomingly if she does ever want to show her face around here again.  I'm not sorry I made her feel uncomfortable, though, because "uncomfortable" is how I think she needed to feel.

atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 4, 2014 at 4:12 PM
I have to say if a parent talked to me I would dump their kid as a friend. Thinking in terms of 14 yo. I stayed out of my girls drama. Soooooo glad I did let me tell you. Kids gotta figure friendships out themselves,.

Quoting momof14yrold:

Thanks, everyone, for the speedy advice.  Out of the 3 replies, not to offend anyone, I agree most with PinkButterfly, because that's how I would probably react if my daughter were the one creating the hurt feelings.  I'm not too worried about her, because she recognizes that relationships can change as far as closeness through the years.  I did talk to her about the girls lying and her response was, "Everone lies sometimes".  This is true.  I'm sure I am peeved at her friend because she is lying to my daughter, and having her mother back up her lies sometimes.  I don't want to say I dislike my daughter's friend, but I am disappointed in her behavior.  She was actually over for a sleepover last night and I pulled the girl aside and talked to her.  I didn't yell at her, but I did talk to her very matter of factly and let her know that I was disappointed and why, that I knew about the lying, and that my daughter deserved better.  I almost made the girl cry (which I did not intend), but I felt it was important that she knew I was "in the know" and, hopefully, would reflect on her behavior.  I carefully weighed saying something vs. not saying anything to the girl, but I was so angry and hurt I decided it was best to get it out in the open - even if it meant the loss of the friendship.  In hindsight, I'm glad I did it (at least, at the moment).  The girls are going to attempt a sleepover Sunday at the other girls house, because my conversation with her made her feel uncomfortable and that I should have "talked to her mother".  Maybe I should have, but I don't think it would have had the same impact.  She also mentioned that they are "best friends" and really would like to have my daughter over for the sleepover.  So, maybe not all is lost.  I can't say I totally trust her now, but I will treat her wecomingly if she does ever want to show her face around here again.  I'm not sorry I made her feel uncomfortable, though, because "uncomfortable" is how I think she needed to feel.

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momof14yrold
by on Jan. 4, 2014 at 7:16 PM

My daughter happens to be the more level headed out of the 2, which is why I'm not as concerned.  She is a straight A student, and a very thoughtful, level-headed, responsible teen.  It will be the other girl's loss if she decides to dump my daughter.  I don't think that will be the case, but if it is, than my daughter will find a better friend I'm sure.  I just know that my sister-in-law has a teen daughter one year older than ours.  She tells me that the family of one of her BFF's is very good about reciprocating.  Not that it has to be expensive, but reciprocating a kindness done to one's child is always a good act.  That's the mark of a good friend (or, at least, one of them).

Jessiejack
by Silver Member on Jan. 4, 2014 at 11:03 PM

 I think its great that you were able to do so much for your DD and her friend but not everyone can do that. I know that I could never do as much. But I do know that if the kids sleep over here I make them pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Its not much but its something other families would never do. I could never take them out of town to a concert or on a week long vacation. I think the best thing you can do is teach your daughter to make new friends. I know my DD has a lot of friends and would go to the movies with one but not another. She would invite a different friend to see her games and a different one to shop. Thats why we have many friends. Not everyone likes everything you do. I understand you feeling upset about her being left out but why make her feel bad if she is not upset about it.

Quoting momof14yrold:

My daughter happens to be the more level headed out of the 2, which is why I'm not as concerned.  She is a straight A student, and a very thoughtful, level-headed, responsible teen.  It will be the other girl's loss if she decides to dump my daughter.  I don't think that will be the case, but if it is, than my daughter will find a better friend I'm sure.  I just know that my sister-in-law has a teen daughter one year older than ours.  She tells me that the family of one of her BFF's is very good about reciprocating.  Not that it has to be expensive, but reciprocating a kindness done to one's child is always a good act.  That's the mark of a good friend (or, at least, one of them).

 

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:58 AM
2 moms liked this
I have a few older kids and a 16 year old daughter. I agree with previous posts who have been through this kids DO change friends. It's a normal developmental stage at this age. This girl, ESP if she seemed like she wanted to cry might not have consciously known it was even happening. Mama you have got to stay OUT of the drama and let the girls handle this. This is not not not your issue its your daughters and it honestly sounds like she has a better grip on things emotionally at this point than you do. Believe me I know exactly how tough it is to see our kids hurt but you can't protect them from everything. She has to learn to deal with things like this. Pulling her friend aside and talking to her was over the top in my opinion and hopefully didn't make things worse THIS time. I def would not ever do that again. Let your daughter deal with it. The mother of this girl may be telling white lies to spare you and your child's feelings, normal as well. Sounds like they may just be growing apart
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lorrain
by on Jan. 6, 2014 at 9:55 AM

best friends come and go. u say your kid is alright w/this, so honestly it sounds like u have a problem that doesn't exsist w/your kid

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