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Am I being too strict - What would you do?

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:24 AM
  • 24 Replies

I have a 16 son who for the most part is a good fellow and it really makes it hard for me to discipline him sometimes because of that reason. He is notorious for forgetting chores, half doing things so that someone else finishes them, wanting to spend all his time on his game system and not doing his schoolwork. But even so he is pretty easy going, considerate, and thoughtful. The other part of it all he and my husband (who is not his biological but did adopt him) butt heads a lot usually over chores not getting done. I have taken away all electronics for months on end and  taken away his allowance. The latest is that he was told that if he didn't keep up with his chores he was going to loose out on a chance to go to a special event with his father and uncle plus his chance to go on the family vacation later this year. Well once again chores get lost to sitting like a zombie in front of the tv, so he did not get to go to the special event. I spent time talking with him and explaining why he had to deal with the consequences, He tells me to my face that he understands the cause and effect and that he will straighten up. (i have heard this I know hundreds of times the past few years) Then I told him he was on a hairs breath of loosing out on vacation to his favorite location. He forgets his chores again. Now I struggle with following through with leaving him behind with his grandmother. Part of me says it is too harsh but then the other half says I have to follow through or otherwise loose respect.frustrated

by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Uzma_mom_of_2
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 6:01 AM

God I'm going through this as well with my 9 year old. He sounds exactly like my son. Just today, we told him get his room half way cleaned or no New Years party (he's had 3 days to do this). He barely touched it.SO I stayed home and he didn't get to go. He cried and broke my heart, but we don't do idle threats.

I hate punishing my son, but nothing seems to be working. We offer rewards, we do punishments, I've hung up reminder notes, star charts, nothing seems to freakin work. He just "forgets" or gets so easily distracted.

My son does extremely well academically, he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet, his compassion levels are though the roof, friendly, sensitive. So many wonderful qualities but so irresponsible and forgetful.

Sorry no advice, but understanding. I can't imagine another 7 years like this.

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GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 8:42 AM
1 mom liked this

Although I COMPLETELY agree with following through on threats, I do not take away family time as a punishment. Friends yes - but not family. And especially NOT special, once in a blue moon events with his father. I would start from scratch. Give him EVERYTHING back, and tell him that his behaviour, chores, grades, give him a 100 points daily. That allows him to earn his time on his games. Teenagers feel that if you give them punishments for months on end that there's nothing to work for because it's all taken away. Allow him to EARN it all back.

atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 5, 2014 at 9:14 AM
This. Also ask him why he is just so defiant. He will be an adult soon and have to do things he does not like.

Quoting GleekingOut:

Although I COMPLETELY agree with following through on threats, I do not take away family time as a punishment. Friends yes - but not family. And especially NOT special, once in a blue moon events with his father. I would start from scratch. Give him EVERYTHING back, and tell him that his behaviour, chores, grades, give him a 100 points daily. That allows him to earn his time on his games. Teenagers feel that if you give them punishments for months on end that there's nothing to work for because it's all taken away. Allow him to EARN it all back.

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Not_A_Native
by Bronze Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 9:33 AM

 

Quoting atlmom2: This. Also ask him why he is just so defiant. He will be an adult soon and have to do things he does not like.

Quoting GleekingOut:

Although I COMPLETELY agree with following through on threats, I do not take away family time as a punishment. Friends yes - but not family. And especially NOT special, once in a blue moon events with his father. I would start from scratch. Give him EVERYTHING back, and tell him that his behaviour, chores, grades, give him a 100 points daily. That allows him to earn his time on his games. Teenagers feel that if you give them punishments for months on end that there's nothing to work for because it's all taken away. Allow him to EARN it all back.

 All of this.

And just out of curiousity - what are his chores?

thetrollcat
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:07 AM
2 moms liked this

ya know... I have learned that the consquences should fit the crime or action involved. Long term punishment doesnt work well for teenagers (some sure but a lot no).

Fact is you need to deal with action consistently as a parent. I have a teen girl that constantly needs to be babysat if you dont tell her she doesnt do it. She too is sixteen and she should start learning how to motivate herself...

So I have chart up who cooks, who cleans, and cleans what and what needs to be done.. Put it on his door. Say mon, wed, and sun he has to clean or whatever. You will have to tell him to get it done. What I do is, I take away all internet and tv and the phone until the chores are done....

If she doesnt do it on her own, I take it away until she does her chores PLUS more... That's right you have to do mine too... Then she gets her stuff back that same day...

I know it sounds like a pain but if the behavior is not changing on his own then you gotta make it happen. Eventually he will start doing it because he doesnt want you nagging and bothering him.

Lindalou907
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:32 AM

You told him you would, now you should follow through. I suppose you could offer a different punishment. 16 year olds have their head in the clouds quite often, don't worry too much, he will mature.

KatLee42513
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:42 AM
I don't have a teen but I can tell you what my parents did. First off, chores equaled money in my home. Each chore had a dollar amount so if I wanted the money I hadbtonwork for it. If I "chose" to not do chores I didn't get money. My parents didn't punish me but I paid for anything I wanted or needed. Meaning at 16 if I wanted a car it was my job to work hard and pay for it. ..

I think its stupid to punish but for this to be a learning lesson. If your son wants things he should work hard to pay for things right?

What is the motivation for doing his chores? What does he get for doing them? In the real world once you become an adukt you have to work to pug food on the table and clothes on your back. Am I making any sense?

My sister stopped doing chores at 15 and my Mon gave her an ultimatum. You either stop doing your chores which means no money..which means no movies, no mall, no phone (since we paid for our own phone), no car, no license, or you go and get yourself a job.

As a teen what does your son get? None of this seems to make sense
bellasmom32510
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:47 AM

I have an almost 14 year old a lot like that. We told her to clean her room and it too her 3+ WEEKS and 2 of which she was out of school! 

my2kidsmom9498
by Bronze Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:44 PM
When is the trip? Perhaps you can have him work on earning it back .
GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 6:04 PM
2 moms liked this
I'm so glad you're here! I love reading your stuff in MC. :) it makes my day all your 'meowisms'

Quoting thetrollcat:

ya know... I have learned that the consquences should fit the crime or action involved. Long term punishment doesnt work well for teenagers (some sure but a lot no).

Fact is you need to deal with action consistently as a parent. I have a teen girl that constantly needs to be babysat if you dont tell her she doesnt do it. She too is sixteen and she should start learning how to motivate herself...

So I have chart up who cooks, who cleans, and cleans what and what needs to be done.. Put it on his door. Say mon, wed, and sun he has to clean or whatever. You will have to tell him to get it done. What I do is, I take away all internet and tv and the phone until the chores are done....

If she doesnt do it on her own, I take it away until she does her chores PLUS more... That's right you have to do mine too... Then she gets her stuff back that same day...

I know it sounds like a pain but if the behavior is not changing on his own then you gotta make it happen. Eventually he will start doing it because he doesnt want you nagging and bothering him.

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