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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

First Heartbreak...??

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 10:10 AM
  • 10 Replies

My 14 year old daughter is experiencing her first heartbreak...(the kid was fine one day and the next tells her he met someone else...AND I found out he has sort of done this to her before, but they were just friends then and then he came back..)

I am glad she came into my room and told me and I let her cry on my shoulder, but I dont know what else to do for her. I remember being in this position  when I was a teen, but my bio mother was never there for me emotionally ever. My boys never really went thru it, so I am kinda new to this area! 

I worry for a couple reasons. I dont want him to come back again, and use her for the *interim* till he finds someone else, AND she was previously a cutter so I worry about that too....

Any sage advice?


        


by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 10:10 AM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 5, 2014 at 10:19 AM
Teens have to find their way through heartbreak. Part of growing up. 14 is too young for a boyfriend to me. Glad mine waited till 17. Cuts down on breakups.
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thetrollcat
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 10:56 AM
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I have found it was better to be honest with teen girls about relatinships and boys. One they need to be secure about themselves first before they start getting into relationships. Two, I do not allow the teens in my home to devote all their time to boyfriends, they have to do other things other than hang out with the boyfriend. Isolating yourself from the world and only to a boy is generally not healthy.

You also have to be realistic as a parent that boys are immature, they are not ready to hold steady relationships in the teen years.

I current have a sixteen year old (niece to be exact) and she has a lot of esteem issues, also recently cutting and keeps going from one jerk to another. I finally sat down with her and told her that her pattern will continue until she stops worrying about the boys and starts focusing on herself. This is the way it is, this is why some girls end up dating jerks over and over.

Roo1234
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:01 AM
Don't discount her feelings with an attitude that it is just puppy love.

As you listen, don't lecture about how bad he was for treating her this way, but do find opportunities to guide her into thinking about how she wants to be treated in the future by every guy.

Offer her the fact that you have been through this, but dint give details unless she asks.
lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:04 AM

 This is all part of being a teen. Didn't you ever get dumped ? Share your story with her. If you think this is going to cause her to cut then get her into her therapist . I am guessing she has 1 to help her stop cutting.She has got to realize this is normal teen behavior. When my oldest got dumped 1st time. I said there will most likely be a day when you dump some one. Remember how you feel right now.













DJLadyK
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:06 AM

oh I didnt, I know how she felt about this kid, and he was nice.. I didnt lecture her about him at all, I did tell her I had been thru it (never offered her details), and that no guy is ever worth risking her life or cutting for, that I was there for her but she has her whole life ahead to  date and have fun.

He was fine with her one day, then the next day she didnt hear from him and he texted her he had met someone else. So before that he had been treating her fine, in her eyes.

Quoting Roo1234: Don't discount her feelings with an attitude that it is just puppy love.

As you listen, don't lecture about how bad he was for treating her this way, but do find opportunities to guide her into thinking about how she wants to be treated in the future by every guy.

Offer her the fact that you have been through this, but dint give details unless she asks.


Roo1234
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 3:23 PM
1 mom liked this
If she brings it up again I would still find an opportunity to speak to the character of someone who behaviors the way he did. (Fine one day, dumping her the next without warning) Not to bad mouth him, but to get her to think about others she will have in her life in the future.

Think about it, how many women think that they are the exception to the consistent bad behavior they witness in a man's past. This is an opportunity to talk about how people are always telling us how they really are, but many choose to ignore the signs because they are "in love"

Quoting DJLadyK:

oh I didnt, I know how she felt about this kid, and he was nice.. I didnt lecture her about him at all, I did tell her I had been thru it (never offered her details), and that no guy is ever worth risking her life or cutting for, that I was there for her but she has her whole life ahead to  date and have fun.

He was fine with her one day, then the next day she didnt hear from him and he texted her he had met someone else. So before that he had been treating her fine, in her eyes.

Quoting Roo1234: Don't discount her feelings with an attitude that it is just puppy love.



As you listen, don't lecture about how bad he was for treating her this way, but do find opportunities to guide her into thinking about how she wants to be treated in the future by every guy.



Offer her the fact that you have been through this, but dint give details unless she asks.


Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:35 PM
1 mom liked this

My 17YO DD was dumped for the first time last April (she was 16 at the time).  She had always been the 'dumper' before.  It was excruciatingly awful!  She was so in love with the boy and like your DD's BF, everything seemed fine one day, and then the next he was telling her he didn't know if they could be together because of their different religions.  She was beyond devastated...I took her that weekend for mani/pedi's and retail therapy.  That seemed to help.  She had a couple new outfits to wear to school the next week which helped with her confidence and self-esteem.  One thing I would recommend AGAINST is allowing her to jump back into another 'relationship' too quickly.  My daughter moved on to another boyfriend after only a month, and she was happier for a little while, but all it did was really prolong the agony.  When she found it necessary to break up with the new boyfriend, she became really depressed.  I think she would've been better off just hanging out with her girlfriends and working on getting over the 'love of her life' before getting into another relationship.  I guess hindsight is always 20/20, but that's my advice to you!

Carmen66
by Member on Jan. 7, 2014 at 8:50 AM
1 mom liked this

Let me just say not bashing her, first of all she is too young to be worrying about heartbreak. She needs to focus on school and her future. She has to be reminded that her time will come to worry about heartbreak. I just think she is too young to be feeling like that.

DJLadyK
by on Jan. 7, 2014 at 10:14 AM

I agree she is so young to be feeling this way. BUt we are there for her, suporting her, reminding her she is a beautiful person and it isnt her fault and she did nothing wrong. I told her to focus on herself and her school and friends right now. I think too, because of her past cutting, she can go back to counseling (she asked to) so that may help as well...

thanks all :)

Carmen66
by Member on Jan. 7, 2014 at 10:28 AM

good, keep up the good work and be there for her.

Quoting DJLadyK:

I agree she is so young to be feeling this way. BUt we are there for her, suporting her, reminding her she is a beautiful person and it isnt her fault and she did nothing wrong. I told her to focus on herself and her school and friends right now. I think too, because of her past cutting, she can go back to counseling (she asked to) so that may help as well...

thanks all :)


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