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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

How can it be done?

Posted by on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:10 PM
  • 10 Replies

How can we as parents of teens help them to be able to see things as how THEY WILL be when they are out on their own??? What do you do for/to your teens to help them see that your money isn't THEIR money that it's like on loan to them?  Is it a lack of empathy on their part? What's missing or is it totally the parents fault? Do you give them a set amount each week and make them pay for all or at least some of the necessities? It just seems like my dh and I aren't doing enough as we feel we have an entitled brat we think. We don't feel like we go overboard but she does get name brand (sometimes) she is in almost every sport, we drive her everywhere & have since 5th grade. How do we impact her now that insurance, job, car, gas, clothing is not just a gift that it should be earned. You know now at this young age to prepare the teen for the real world BEFORE she is on her own??? She is going to have a rude awakening when she's out on her own as she really doesn't get (we don't think) that she will have to have a high paying job to support her entitled life or at least a rich husband.  What is the best way have you found to teach them.  I so... don't want to wait till she is 30 years old to hear. 'u and Dad were right, I did take advantage of your generousity and I was spoiled and didn't care how I treated u, I just expected it because I was your kid and thought u had to do it. How do we prepare them the right way or is it even possible before they are out of your home?? 

by on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:10 PM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:16 PM
We paid for everything till they got jobs. DD 20 in college is still on our dime.
Ours took personal finance. They know we have no credit card debt and we talk about finances a lot.
DD 22 was on her own. She is home again but she buys most everything but food in our house herself. They do find out when they move out that is for sure. Reality hits.
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cat4458
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:19 PM

Oh, I agree with you in what you said.  I just want to know what we can do as parents 'before' they get out on their own.  You know to enable them to get in that mind-set, etc before they get out on their own and find out.  Maybe a parent really can't??? Maybe a parent either has a spoiled mentality kid OR not.  U know like an extrovert or an introvert is part nurture/part nature?

Quoting atlmom2: We paid for everything till they got jobs. DD 20 in college is still on our dime.
Ours took personal finance. They know we have no credit card debt and we talk about finances a lot.
DD 22 was on her own. She is home again but she buys most everything but food in our house herself. They do find out when they move out that is for sure. Reality hits.

 

atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:22 PM
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We stress savings. DD 22 saved $12,000 living at home with a part time job in 3 years. Checking in and asking monthly how they are saving and paying bills on time.

Quoting cat4458:

Oh, I agree with you in what you said.  I just want to know what we can do as parents 'before' they get out on their own.  You know to enable them to get in that mind-set, etc before they get out on their own and find out.  Maybe a parent really can't??? Maybe a parent either has a spoiled mentality kid OR not.  U know like an extrovert or an introvert is part nurture/part nature?


Quoting atlmom2: We paid for everything till they got jobs. DD 20 in college is still on our dime.
Ours took personal finance. They know we have no credit card debt and we talk about finances a lot.
DD 22 was on her own. She is home again but she buys most everything but food in our house herself. They do find out when they move out that is for sure. Reality hits.

 

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cat4458
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:26 PM

Oh, yes good one! We used make her save 1/3 in savings each week, but that kinda fell by the wayside.

Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:27 PM
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I am struggling with the exact same issues!  My dd is 17 and had a job during the summer, decided not to work when school started because she was playing tennis for the school, but now is about to quit the tennis team.  I told her she MUST get a part-time job, and I am trying to convince my husband that she at least needs to be reponsible for her own gas and entertainment.  She gives her friends rides everywhere and 'lends' them money for movies, meals, etc. (she rarely gets it back), because daddy just keeps putting money in her account over and above her actual allowance!  I even told him I think she needs to pay for her own entertainment regardless of whether she gets a job--she can babysit, and she gets an allowance!  Anyway, I just wanted to commiserate with you--I'm looking forward to seeing any other responses you get.

cat4458
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2014 at 2:38 PM

Ya, I'm with u!! I hope too we get lots of good responses & ideas.  I think it's the times too as our dd isn't near as entitled as her friends, but gee how to keep boundaries and do the right thing by them to make them into responsible kids.  My dh & I are pretty thrifty and have had our house paid off for quite some time and debt free but that doesn't look exciting as a teen (u know what I mean)???!!! lolsticking out tongue 

Quoting Niccalyn:

I am struggling with the exact same issues!  My dd is 17 and had a job during the summer, decided not to work when school started because she was playing tennis for the school, but now is about to quit the tennis team.  I told her she MUST get a part-time job, and I am trying to convince my husband that she at least needs to be reponsible for her own gas and entertainment.  She gives her friends rides everywhere and 'lends' them money for movies, meals, etc. (she rarely gets it back), because daddy just keeps putting money in her account over and above her actual allowance!  I even told him I think she needs to pay for her own entertainment regardless of whether she gets a job--she can babysit, and she gets an allowance!  Anyway, I just wanted to commiserate with you--I'm looking forward to seeing any other responses you get.

 

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2014 at 4:48 PM

My 22yo had to move out in order to figure it out. She had to struggle in order to work it out :) I told her she can always come home, but that she needs to learn the lesson.

gonecrazi
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2014 at 5:39 PM

 I wish I could help. My ds 17 moved to his dad's over the weekend because he graduated in December and  we told him he had to get a job to help pay for his gas money.

cybcm
by Bronze Member on Jan. 7, 2014 at 12:10 AM
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Jobs are non-negotiable in our home, legal working age is 14 and 9 months here, and that is when you are expected to get a job. We don't fund wants, we only fund needs, same goes for the younger kids (there are plenty of poeple in our community who need kids to do odd jobs for them).

I don't think it's lack of empathy or anything like that, it's just not having the experience under their belts yet. If parents have what I like to call "magic bank accounts" and can fund a teen's every want, then you can't expect them to understand the work that goes into that if they never see, nor participate in it. It's unreasonable to expect them to.

Not_A_Native
by Bronze Member on Jan. 7, 2014 at 2:09 AM

College (with a major that is well paying and in demand) is a given. We stressed THAT since they were little, along with living on their own when they graduate.  That  they will go away to college (which we will pay for completely) and THEIR job is to do the absolute best they can in school.

Their job isn't to earn the money - my husband does that.  Anything they could earn in high school would be a pittance and they know it - which would just make us vindictive and mean.  They knew what things cost.

When they get to college, they get their stuff paid for by us.  BUT, they need to track their expenses, and so on.  One of my kids blew it once - first time at college in NYC - took the money that was supposed to last 2 weeks for food, transportation, and so on - and bought a $200 pair of pants.  She got a lecture about that - and walked to school (about 15 blocks each way) until the next two weeks.

She's now 23, and moved back to NYC 1 1/2 years ago.  Works full time, has a tiny, expensive apartment, and has a great time.  Fully self supporting.  We keep her on our health insurance, since we can at no additional charge, and it would cost her $400 a month and not be as good.

My son (31) has been self supportin for years.  My younger two are 19 and 20, and in college out of state.  Both quite frugal (youngest especially).

I think the most important thing is instilling a good work ethic by being hard working ourselves.  My husband puts in 100+ hours a week - and they KNOW that's why he makes such good money.   We don't hide finances from them, never did.  When I was volunteering a lot when they were in school, they saw me working 50+ hours a week, plus doing all the sah stuff (cooking, shopping, dishes, laundry).  We have ALWAYS modeled hard work.

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