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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

I think my daughter is determined to be a bum.

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 3:43 PM
  • 17 Replies

My 10th grade girl is smart, pretty, a cheerleader, and soccer player.  She has gone from wanting to be an ob/gyn  (last fall) to wanting to move in with her best friend as soon as she turns 18 and working as a cosmotologist.  I don't have a problem with the cosmostology thing, but I know that very few make a comfortable living.  I do have a problem with her desire to move in with the friend--she will not be out of h.s. yet and the girl has yet to complete the 8th grade (due to illness--mostly invented from what I can tell).  The friend is sweet, but I don't see her ever being able to support herself.  She comes from a faith that does not seem to encourage women to fulfill their full potential--they should all be stay-at-home mothers and say 'yes' and 'no' to their husbands, and never have a thought of their own.  Nothing wrong with the stay-at-home mom part, but the rest of it isn't good!  The girl's older sister went wild when she got out of the house--drinking, living with a drug-dealing boyfriend, etc.  The friend and my daughter seem to have decided that the sister has a great lifestyle  (now that she isn't with the boyfriend anymore).

She has been friend's with this girl since they were small.  They are family of kind and helpful people.  Short of sending my daughter to an all-girl boarding school, I am at a loss.  btw, we can't afford an all girl boarding school.

This is all compounded by the fact that her father has, for a very long time, tried to undermind me as a parent (even before the divorce was final).  His take is that she should live with him in another town and county (where crime is on the rise and teenage pregnancy is rampant) --a small, farming town.  She doesn't want this and, I believe, it has added to the idea of moving in with the friend.

The plan is to live in the grandfather's home (he is in poor health and needs someone there most of the time).  Work as a cosmotogist.  And do whatever she pleases while she finishes high school.

Could sure use some input.

by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 3:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
8chickens
by Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 5:14 PM
1 mom liked this

Her plans will change often I'm sure. At 18 she is free to do as she wishes.

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 7:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Find all the flaws in her plan. For instance - what's she going to do in between the time that she graduates high school and this girl does? How easy is cosmotology to get into? What's the success rate? If they're living in the grandfathers home won't they have to abide by his rules? No partying because he needs his sleep; no drinking because they have to be sober enough to take care of him, No boys because he can say no to people staying over. How much will it cost to care for him on top of all her other expenses? How will she study if he needs to be taken care of? How will the girls coordinate a care plan? If you show her the lack of logic in her plan, hopefully she'll rethink it when she realizes how bad of an idea this is.

Hannahluvsdogs
by Bronze Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 8:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with GleekingOut. Teenagers tend to overlook the little details that make their plans a bad idea. If you can point out these things and get her thinking about them, hopefully she'll realize that she needs to make a better choice.

th43
by Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 12:42 PM

Thanks!  I know that at 18 she is legally "free to do as she wishes" and that her plans will change a dozen times between now and then, but my concern is that her plans were great ones and now they are just settling plans.  

I am not really the person to point out the flaws because, unfortunately, her father's opinions of me have taken hold with her.  I had assumed that she would want to move in with him as soon as she finished school, but this is something completely unexpected.

Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 1:02 PM

Make sure she understands that you will not be assisting her financially in any way once she makes the decision to move out, but that she can always return home.  You may want to have her start being responsible for some of her own financial needs now (entertainment, clothing above a certain amount, etc.) so that she can begin to get an idea of just how hard it is to be financially independent.  And perhaps take her to visit a couple of nursing homes and speak to the caregivers there about what is involved in caring for an elderly person. 

Msgme
by Silver Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 5:52 PM
1 mom liked this

my best friend and i were going to move in together also.  We were gonna work as waitresses while we went to school to learn how to do peoples nails until we found husbands and then were were gonna have a double wedding and stay living in the same house.

8chickens
by Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 7:46 PM
1 mom liked this

Have you ever sat down with her and do your bills together? I think many young adults have unrealistic expectations because no one really took the time to show them how life actually works. Take a month or 2 show her your net pay then sit down with her and show how it disappears. My DH had done it with our own. He done everything he could as they became 16 to teach them about insurance, finance, auto maintenance, etc etc.


drfink
by Emily on Jan. 10, 2014 at 12:37 AM
1 mom liked this

 ahhh easy breezy teen dreams   :  )   

sweet and fun daydreams

Quoting Msgme:

my best friend and i were going to move in together also.  We were gonna work as waitresses while we went to school to learn how to do peoples nails until we found husbands and then were were gonna have a double wedding and stay living in the same house.

 

JessicaR7
by Member on Jan. 10, 2014 at 12:15 PM

It's not necessarily pointing out the 'flaws' in her plan it is idenitifying her 'flawed' thinking.  Teens do have flawed thinking and you talk them through it so they come to the conclusion that their thinking/plan is flawed.  Ask her what kind of life she wants to have, does she want nice things, a nice car, a nice home, etc. and will the income she receives from cosmotology...will that support the lifestyle she envisions.  Also, I agree with teens changing their minds often.  My daughter changes her mind like she changes her underwear...sometimes you just listen and nod and know that the next time you talk to her she will have changed her mind.

cybcm
by Bronze Member on Jan. 10, 2014 at 3:40 PM
My response to these things is usually "okay dear". I've heard enough crazy future plans from my lot to know that they are fleeting and not worth the explanation of why it won't work.
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