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13yr old wants to move with her father

Posted by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 12:00 AM
  • 10 Replies
Ok so life has been pretty crazy for last week. First my dh and middle son 19 are not getting along. A lil small incident with my dh that I end up going into perterm labor. 8 1/2 wks early. She is doin pretty well. Than my 13yr old just tells me tonight she wants to stay with her dad. I ask her why has this come about. She says she just hates living here. I won't have time or notice her not bein around. So she wants to go and that her dad already said it was ok. I honestly don't even know how to respond. Kinda hurtful! I don't understand why she is bein drastic. My dh thinks I should let her go stay with her father. I'm just unsure of that. She never seem to really want to do her weekends with him than she pops out of no where with this. Feeling very overwhelm! Frustrated!
by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 12:00 AM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 12:11 AM
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I think it's an age thing. And I can totally understand how hurt that may make you feel. But it's totally normal.

I went and lived with my dad when I was 12 until 14. Then I was back at moms. I just needed to see what it was like. The grass always seems greener. It was a hard decision for my mom to let me go. I had to change schools and the drive was about an hour away. It was hard on my mom but we were butting heads and things were crazy with her and my stepdad. But the distance really helped our relationship.

If she goes will she be able to come back? Will her dad let her change her mind later? If you do let her go, give it a time frame. She has to stay for at least one school year. Or whatever time frame. She can't get there and decide oops I don't like it. So I want to move back. Until she decides again oops I want to go back. She can't use this to get out of whatever life struggle she is having. Or else she will just learn to run from her problems. It's normal to want to experience the other home full time. But it needs to be for the right reasons. And she has to stick to the agreed plan. I wouldn't be able to make this agreement with my ex bc there would be no chance of getting her back. And being the NCP in my situation would be awful. I have a high conflict situation. If our situation was better I might be ok with the idea. But I'm not and so the answer will always be no. You do have the right to say no. You are the custodial home. That is how it had always been and there is no need for a change. She may just feel some stress from the new baby. Or whatever else is going on. For me it was trouble with friends. And moving really helped me get out of my shell. The move for me was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I was able to go back to moms when I was ready. That's a major key point. How is your relationship with her father?
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brookerenee45
by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 12:39 AM
Hi. If she ends up moving with him she is definitely always welcome back home anytime! It just really has caught me off guard. She never really like doing the weekend visits with him much. I'm not sure what her dad will allow. He and I haven't had a discussion yet. She just brought this to my attention tonight. I thought her and I relationship was pretty good. She helps me a lot with her younger twin sister and brother. I try take as much time I'm able to spend with her. I allow her pretty decent amount of freedom. I ask her was this about her step dad taking her cell phone away. She tells me he isn't her dad. He can't tell her what to do and things! She don't even understand why he is even here because he doesn't help! I focus more on making him happy that I don't have time for her anymore. She told me she doesn't like how he treats me. Which I think some of those things She has taken out of context. I want for her to be happy. I would hate for her to switch schools right now in middle of yr! Her father and I relationship is ok. She is our youngest child together. He never seem thT interest either in having her full time. He doesn't like my dh so I'm sure I can see why he agreed with her staying with him if she expressed the things She said to me to him!
I really appreciate your insight! Thank you

Quoting momof2ex1: I think it's an age thing. And I can totally understand how hurt that may make you feel. But it's totally normal.

I went and lived with my dad when I was 12 until 14. Then I was back at moms. I just needed to see what it was like. The grass always seems greener. It was a hard decision for my mom to let me go. I had to change schools and the drive was about an hour away. It was hard on my mom but we were butting heads and things were crazy with her and my stepdad. But the distance really helped our relationship.

If she goes will she be able to come back? Will her dad let her change her mind later? If you do let her go, give it a time frame. She has to stay for at least one school year. Or whatever time frame. She can't get there and decide oops I don't like it. So I want to move back. Until she decides again oops I want to go back. She can't use this to get out of whatever life struggle she is having. Or else she will just learn to run from her problems. It's normal to want to experience the other home full time. But it needs to be for the right reasons. And she has to stick to the agreed plan. I wouldn't be able to make this agreement with my ex bc there would be no chance of getting her back. And being the NCP in my situation would be awful. I have a high conflict situation. If our situation was better I might be ok with the idea. But I'm not and so the answer will always be no. You do have the right to say no. You are the custodial home. That is how it had always been and there is no need for a change. She may just feel some stress from the new baby. Or whatever else is going on. For me it was trouble with friends. And moving really helped me get out of my shell. The move for me was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I was able to go back to moms when I was ready. That's a major key point. How is your relationship with her father?
momof2ex1
by Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:13 AM
1 mom liked this
Ok now let's take a step back. I didn't know about the cell phone thing. That adds to my thoughts. Sometimes (a lot of times but I'll say some) kids get mad at one house and decide they are going to the other house. That cannot be allowed. She can't run from her troubles - being grounded from her phone for bad behavior - by moving in with dad. She is upset right now. This is something unfortunately kids of divorce learn they can do. Get mad at one parent and run to the other. Not so easy when the parents are married and living under the same roof. But very appealing to a disgruntled teen who has the support in disliking stepdad from her Dad. (I'm not saying he is supporting that but if she knows her dad doesn't like your husband she may feel she will have his support).

I can understand your feelings. I personally would be crushed bc my dd doesn't like visiting dad either and if she got mad and declared she wanted to live with him after complaining about having to visit him - then I would know it's just to get out from her being grounded. She's mad. That's normal too.

If this were me I would tell her that we will revisit this subject after her punishment is over. I would also have a talk with my dh. He shouldn't be grounding her or punishing her. He should let you deal with her punishments. He can offer you his opinion if he wants her phone to be taken away - then you can decide if you want to follow through with that. You need to be the bad guy. Becajse like she said he isn't her father. That's not a stab at your husband. My dh is a stepdad as well but to keep him from being the bad guy and from any problems between he and my dd, I handle all discipline and punishment. Then she can't use that line on me. Because I am her mother.

Or you can revisit this over the summer after the school year is complete. If she can come up with good reason to go to dads then consider it. As hard as it is.

Good reason would be because I want to spend more time with dad. I want to get to know my dad. I want this opportunity to live with my dad since I haven't ever experienced that. If she has any other reason - she isn't the baby any more. She isn't getting any attention. She doesn't like your husband. Those aren't good enough reasons.

Quoting brookerenee45: Hi. If she ends up moving with him she is definitely always welcome back home anytime! It just really has caught me off guard. She never really like doing the weekend visits with him much. I'm not sure what her dad will allow. He and I haven't had a discussion yet. She just brought this to my attention tonight. I thought her and I relationship was pretty good. She helps me a lot with her younger twin sister and brother. I try take as much time I'm able to spend with her. I allow her pretty decent amount of freedom. I ask her was this about her step dad taking her cell phone away. She tells me he isn't her dad. He can't tell her what to do and things! She don't even understand why he is even here because he doesn't help! I focus more on making him happy that I don't have time for her anymore. She told me she doesn't like how he treats me. Which I think some of those things She has taken out of context. I want for her to be happy. I would hate for her to switch schools right now in middle of yr! Her father and I relationship is ok. She is our youngest child together. He never seem thT interest either in having her full time. He doesn't like my dh so I'm sure I can see why he agreed with her staying with him if she expressed the things She said to me to him!

I really appreciate your insight! Thank you



Quoting momof2ex1: I think it's an age thing. And I can totally understand how hurt that may make you feel. But it's totally normal.

I went and lived with my dad when I was 12 until 14. Then I was back at moms. I just needed to see what it was like. The grass always seems greener. It was a hard decision for my mom to let me go. I had to change schools and the drive was about an hour away. It was hard on my mom but we were butting heads and things were crazy with her and my stepdad. But the distance really helped our relationship.

If she goes will she be able to come back? Will her dad let her change her mind later? If you do let her go, give it a time frame. She has to stay for at least one school year. Or whatever time frame. She can't get there and decide oops I don't like it. So I want to move back. Until she decides again oops I want to go back. She can't use this to get out of whatever life struggle she is having. Or else she will just learn to run from her problems. It's normal to want to experience the other home full time. But it needs to be for the right reasons. And she has to stick to the agreed plan. I wouldn't be able to make this agreement with my ex bc there would be no chance of getting her back. And being the NCP in my situation would be awful. I have a high conflict situation. If our situation was better I might be ok with the idea. But I'm not and so the answer will always be no. You do have the right to say no. You are the custodial home. That is how it had always been and there is no need for a change. She may just feel some stress from the new baby. Or whatever else is going on. For me it was trouble with friends. And moving really helped me get out of my shell. The move for me was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I was able to go back to moms when I was ready. That's a major key point. How is your relationship with her father?
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Devious103102
by Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:15 AM
1 mom liked this

It's just an age thing. I'm sure she's just feeling put off with whatever happened, your older kid having issues, the pre-term labor/baby on the way, lots of change.  Give her some time, she'll come around.

brookerenee45
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 10:21 AM
He took her phone away because he felt she has been given him too much attitude. I was at hospital with baby when he did that. Her and I spent a few hrs together yesterday evening. She told me how she's feeling without her being angry yellin at me. I did express to her how I want her to stay home and for us to try working things out. I don't want her to leave! I apologize to her for her feeling left out,on back burner because I wasn't intentionally meaning to hurt her heart. She let me know it wasn't me. She really don't like her step dad and wish he could just leave. But she know I won't make him go so she wants to go live with her dad still.... My dh thinks I should just let her go and let Hr dad deal with her.

Quoting momof2ex1: Ok now let's take a step back. I didn't know about the cell phone thing. That adds to my thoughts. Sometimes (a lot of times but I'll say some) kids get mad at one house and decide they are going to the other house. That cannot be allowed. She can't run from her troubles - being grounded from her phone for bad behavior - by moving in with dad. She is upset right now. This is something unfortunately kids of divorce learn they can do. Get mad at one parent and run to the other. Not so easy when the parents are married and living under the same roof. But very appealing to a disgruntled teen who has the support in disliking stepdad from her Dad. (I'm not saying he is supporting that but if she knows her dad doesn't like your husband she may feel she will have his support).



I can understand your feelings. I personally would be crushed bc my dd doesn't like visiting dad either and if she got mad and declared she wanted to live with him after complaining about having to visit him - then I would know it's just to get out from her being grounded. She's mad. That's normal too.



If this were me I would tell her that we will revisit this subject after her punishment is over. I would also have a talk with my dh. He shouldn't be grounding her or punishing her. He should let you deal with her punishments. He can offer you his opinion if he wants her phone to be taken away - then you can decide if you want to follow through with that. You need to be the bad guy. Becajse like she said he isn't her father. That's not a stab at your husband. My dh is a stepdad as well but to keep him from being the bad guy and from any problems between he and my dd, I handle all discipline and punishment. Then she can't use that line on me. Because I am her mother.



Or you can revisit this over the summer after the school year is complete. If she can come up with good reason to go to dads then consider it. As hard as it is.



Good reason would be because I want to spend more time with dad. I want to get to know my dad. I want this opportunity to live with my dad since I haven't ever experienced that. If she has any other reason - she isn't the baby any more. She isn't getting any attention. She doesn't like your husband. Those aren't good enough reasons.



Quoting brookerenee45: Hi. If she ends up moving with him she is definitely always welcome back home anytime! It just really has caught me off guard. She never really like doing the weekend visits with him much. I'm not sure what her dad will allow. He and I haven't had a discussion yet. She just brought this to my attention tonight. I thought her and I relationship was pretty good. She helps me a lot with her younger twin sister and brother. I try take as much time I'm able to spend with her. I allow her pretty decent amount of freedom. I ask her was this about her step dad taking her cell phone away. She tells me he isn't her dad. He can't tell her what to do and things! She don't even understand why he is even here because he doesn't help! I focus more on making him happy that I don't have time for her anymore. She told me she doesn't like how he treats me. Which I think some of those things She has taken out of context. I want for her to be happy. I would hate for her to switch schools right now in middle of yr! Her father and I relationship is ok. She is our youngest child together. He never seem thT interest either in having her full time. He doesn't like my dh so I'm sure I can see why he agreed with her staying with him if she expressed the things She said to me to him!


I really appreciate your insight! Thank you





Quoting momof2ex1: I think it's an age thing. And I can totally understand how hurt that may make you feel. But it's totally normal.

I went and lived with my dad when I was 12 until 14. Then I was back at moms. I just needed to see what it was like. The grass always seems greener. It was a hard decision for my mom to let me go. I had to change schools and the drive was about an hour away. It was hard on my mom but we were butting heads and things were crazy with her and my stepdad. But the distance really helped our relationship.

If she goes will she be able to come back? Will her dad let her change her mind later? If you do let her go, give it a time frame. She has to stay for at least one school year. Or whatever time frame. She can't get there and decide oops I don't like it. So I want to move back. Until she decides again oops I want to go back. She can't use this to get out of whatever life struggle she is having. Or else she will just learn to run from her problems. It's normal to want to experience the other home full time. But it needs to be for the right reasons. And she has to stick to the agreed plan. I wouldn't be able to make this agreement with my ex bc there would be no chance of getting her back. And being the NCP in my situation would be awful. I have a high conflict situation. If our situation was better I might be ok with the idea. But I'm not and so the answer will always be no. You do have the right to say no. You are the custodial home. That is how it had always been and there is no need for a change. She may just feel some stress from the new baby. Or whatever else is going on. For me it was trouble with friends. And moving really helped me get out of my shell. The move for me was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I was able to go back to moms when I was ready. That's a major key point. How is your relationship with her father?
Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 3:36 PM

Can you please explain this:  'A lil small incident with my dh that I end up going into perterm labor. 8 1/2 wks early.'...??

garfieldplanner
by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 1:48 PM

 I'm wondering about this as well. Also what has she seen to cause her to not like your DH?

Quoting Niccalyn:

Can you please explain this:  'A lil small incident with my dh that I end up going into perterm labor. 8 1/2 wks early.'...??

 

brookerenee45
by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 2:21 PM
He push me. I was already very high risk in my pregnancy. Him and my son were goin at each other meanin yelling at each other. So I was tryin to talk to my DH try to help him calm down. He was really angry and push me. He did apologize that he allowed his anger to get the best of him.

As far what my daughter has seen. I usually don't have arguments or anything in that nature in front of my kids. We have our disagreements privately except a few times. But his pushin me isn't like a everyday thing in our home.

Quoting garfieldplanner:

 I'm wondering about this as well. Also what has she seen to cause her to not like your DH?


Quoting Niccalyn:

Can you please explain this:  'A lil small incident with my dh that I end up going into perterm labor. 8 1/2 wks early.'...??


 

garfieldplanner
by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 2:38 PM

Ok, I see why she would have issues with him now. What kind of interaction did he usually have with the kids? Meaning before the pushing incident. Even though he apologized for pushing you it never should have happened. When he apologized to you was it in private or in front of everyone?

Quoting brookerenee45: He push me. I was already very high risk in my pregnancy. Him and my son were goin at each other meanin yelling at each other. So I was tryin to talk to my DH try to help him calm down. He was really angry and push me. He did apologize that he allowed his anger to get the best of him.

As far what my daughter has seen. I usually don't have arguments or anything in that nature in front of my kids. We have our disagreements privately except a few times. But his pushin me isn't like a everyday thing in our home.

Quoting garfieldplanner:

 I'm wondering about this as well. Also what has she seen to cause her to not like your DH?


Quoting Niccalyn:

Can you please explain this:  'A lil small incident with my dh that I end up going into perterm labor. 8 1/2 wks early.'...??


 

 

Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2014 at 5:28 PM

 

Quoting brookerenee45: He push me. I was already very high risk in my pregnancy. Him and my son were goin at each other meanin yelling at each other. So I was tryin to talk to my DH try to help him calm down. He was really angry and push me. He did apologize that he allowed his anger to get the best of him.

As far what my daughter has seen. I usually don't have arguments or anything in that nature in front of my kids. We have our disagreements privately except a few times. But his pushin me isn't like a everyday thing in our home.

Quoting garfieldplanner:

 I'm wondering about this as well. Also what has she seen to cause her to not like your DH?


Quoting Niccalyn:

Can you please explain this:  'A lil small incident with my dh that I end up going into perterm labor. 8 1/2 wks early.'...??


 

This is why your daughter wants to leave.  She doesn't feel safe in your home.  I think you should let her go, and give serious consideration to the type of environment you will be bringing your new baby into.  Abusers always apologize and seem genuinely sorry after they abuse; you need to realize that it should never happen in the first place. Your family needs counseling.

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