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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

just found out my 16yr old son is...

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 12:03 AM
  • 5 Replies

 he was dating this girl for a few months and after awhile his grades started to fall and he would tell us she is always talking to other guys and he would be upset...so we encouraged him to do what he felt he wanted to do...so on xmas day he broke up with her.. fast forward a month..he tells us he hasnt seen or talked with her for a month...i got a text from her the other day questioning our motive for keeping our son away from her.... and then i go in his room and see this thing she made him...it was like all the reasons she loves him and  one reason had to do with them having sex!!! i couldnt believe it...we keep an open conversation policy at home and i know teenagers dont talk to their parents about this stuff, but he has lied to us for months now and the worst part is that i think his real dad who he only sees on sundays is taking him to see her against our wishes...my son says he wants to be with her and that he's miserable without her.... we told him to just take some time away and get his school work caught up...i dont know how to tell my husband about my findings without breaking what little trust my son has in me... uuuggghhh

by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 12:03 AM
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Replies (1-5):
Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 2:44 PM

I think you should probably sit down and talk with your son first, before talking to your husband.  Tell him what you found and ask why he felt the need to keep it from you. Don't talk to him until you know you can be calm and rational--no yelling or name-calling (even of the girl, LOL).  Ask him if they are being safe.  Let that lead into a conversation about how sex can serve as a bond between two people, even when those two people really shouldn't be together in the first place.  It sounds like he is miserable both with and without her.  The fact that they've had sex has made things that much more complicated--breaking up is MUCH harder to do once intimacy enters the equation.  In any case, what's done is done and now you need to help him move forward and make wise choices in the future.  And if you feel telling your husband would be a betrayal of your son's trust, then maybe you shouldn't tell him?  Perhaps that's why your son didn't confide in you in the first place...didn't want step-dad knowing his personal business?  I'm probably wrong, but just a thought.  Good luck!

atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 22, 2014 at 2:49 PM

I would be pissed at my ex, and my 16 yo. 

HopeAlive
by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 3:25 PM

Aww, I'm sorry, mama... That doesn't sound easy. I can hear how much you love your son in the midst of everything going on.

I found this article on that topic that might give you some encouragement, insight, or advice. I hope it helps!

JessicaR7
by Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 5:21 PM

 I agree...

And just so you know, you can raise them a certain way and they will still make choices that you don't necessarily like.  My biggest advice is not to make it a moral issue but focus on the behavior you want to address, which sounds to me like you are upset with his withholding of information.  I would also be upset with his biological dad as you both should be on the same page for what is in the best interest of your son.  Best of luck :)

Quoting Niccalyn:

I think you should probably sit down and talk with your son first, before talking to your husband.  Tell him what you found and ask why he felt the need to keep it from you. Don't talk to him until you know you can be calm and rational--no yelling or name-calling (even of the girl, LOL).  Ask him if they are being safe.  Let that lead into a conversation about how sex can serve as a bond between two people, even when those two people really shouldn't be together in the first place.  It sounds like he is miserable both with and without her.  The fact that they've had sex has made things that much more complicated--breaking up is MUCH harder to do once intimacy enters the equation.  In any case, what's done is done and now you need to help him move forward and make wise choices in the future.  And if you feel telling your husband would be a betrayal of your son's trust, then maybe you shouldn't tell him?  Perhaps that's why your son didn't confide in you in the first place...didn't want step-dad knowing his personal business?  I'm probably wrong, but just a thought.  Good luck!

 

1kidmomajm
by Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 4:16 PM

Keeping him away may make his grades worse. Talk to your son and create a schedule of homework, chores and earned time with her. As for the sex, I don't know of any teens that are open about it with the parents. Except for understanding and accepting that they are having sex, and that they better be using birth control. Ask him if she is on the pill or if he has been using condoms. That if they are not careful then you will make him miserable and keep them apart.

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