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my poor 13yr old DD

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 11:43 PM
  • 12 Replies

my dd 13 yr old is in 8th grade.  Let me start off by saying she is the sweetest, kindest friend anyone could ask for. She would do anything for her friends yet is getting stepped all over.  There are two groups of girls that are now sort of combinding together. Girls that didnt hang out together are now doing that and the lunch table changes daily.  This one girl who was her best friend since kindergarten completely dropped her and has bullied her this year and we feel has turned all these girls against her and basically what happens is that when they make plans she makes sure my DD is not included.

 I will start by saying PLEASE DONT TELL ME TO TELL HER TO FIND NEW FRIENDS THAT IS NOT AN OPTION !   The problem is that my daughter is basically too nice and is being pushed around by the girls - .what I mean is that she very rarely gets invited to do things unless she makes the initial plans, SHe thinks they are all her best friends, yet with all these stupid online websites (instagram,ask.fm  etc...) Im seeing that they dont think of her that way.    I know that 8th grade is a horrible year of Middle school and it will get better but i feel so bad for her.  She is very active outside of school doing this (sports, babysitting etcc.)

She has confronted them before about excluding her and telling them how she feels, yet they become defensive and turn it around to almost make it look like its my daughter and say its no big deal.  She has been telling me its not big deal and she will deal with it until HS starts next year and things will change. However tonight she told me out right she is miserable and feels like she has no friends at all. What do I do I feel absolutely horrible for her.  

by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 11:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
BelleVernonGirl
by Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 12:55 AM

So what else do you want us to say other then get new friends?  I can't think of another option...

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 8:15 AM
Middle school cliques change constantly, and honestly, I would tell your Daughter to find new friends. It is COMPLETELY unfair of her to expect people who dislike her to continue hanging out with her and it shows a clear lack of respect for herself if she happily does this. Enrol her in sports, music lessons or volunteering/interests and she will make new friends.
atlmom2
by Susie on Feb. 6, 2014 at 8:47 AM
This happens especially in middle and HS. Something she is gonna have to learn and deal. Most friends my dd made freshman year she didn't even speak to senior year. PP is right. When she confronted them that pushed them away more. She needs to move on.
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butzi
by Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 10:50 AM
This could be a really important life lesson...for both of you. Your daughter can learn to feel and show respect for herself by moving on and away from people who do not treat her well. Talk about the things she values in people. What makes a strong beautiful woman? Hopefully, she will talk about kindness, loyalty, courage, creativity, individual responsibility-- things like that. Then talk about looking for those qualities in the people she chooses to surround herself with. That will encourage her also, to build them up in herself.
As for you, Mom, we have to be able to let go and trust our kids to navigate these things. Providing guidance and a listening ear are great and compassionate, but trying to force the world to accommodate their needs can have disastrous results. My husband is a university professor who deals with parents still trying to force the world to bow to their entitled adult children.


ksrsmommy
by Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 12:30 PM

I could have written this about my 13 yo dd. This is definitely a hard year! I'm glad you aren't just telling her to find new friends, it doesn't work that way! I would start by making sure that you all focus on the things that are going right for her- the other activities she is involved in, focus on the good. As for the 'friends', do start talking to her about why it's not okay to tolerate this behavior. Sort of the 'you teach people how to treat you' stuff. She may not wish to leave this group right now, but let her know that if someone says something mean, she needs to say to that person that it's not okay to talk to her like that. Maybe role play with her so she is comfortable saying things like this. And if she does have some good friends, set things up for them to do to encourage the friendship.

And you are right, things will change in HS. I'm hoping for this as well! Once she starts meeting and talking about other girls, really encourage her doing activities with the new girls. And mostly, just listen to her. As you mention and know, there's isn't a whole lot you can do. Part of this tough phase is just knowing that someone hears you and gets how you feel. You are already doing a great job with that- keep it up! She'll get through!

beerabitch69
by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 3:07 PM
1 mom liked this

 she needs new friends....listen or not. Good lord.  Friends come and go. shit happens. 

feistymom2
by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 4:50 PM

I had this happen to me at 13....the more I tried to continue to hang out with them the meaner they became. She needs new friends..you tell have to tell her that but you can encourage it by teaching her what good friendships are and how one should be treated be friends...maybe this way she will naturally gravitate towards girls who treat her the right way.

atlmom2
by Susie on Feb. 6, 2014 at 5:00 PM
I agree. Why beg your old friends to keep you around, or keep calling them out. That is not friends in my opinion. Better off moving on.

Quoting feistymom2:

I had this happen to me at 13....the more I tried to continue to hang out with them the meaner they became. She needs new friends..you tell have to tell her that but you can encourage it by teaching her what good friendships are and how one should be treated be friends...maybe this way she will naturally gravitate towards girls who treat her the right way.

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zacmacsmomm
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 5:58 PM

Aw that is tough.  I've been there done that.  My son went through that. My daughter went through that as well.  All I can say is that this too shall pass.  Just listen to her, hold her, love her.  Treat her to something special.  Be her safety net. :)

mindful23
by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 7:57 PM
8/9th graders are not going to be the best yrs for her. Peer pressure and popularity is rife at that age. Get her to move on and she cant hold onto to something thats no longer of any value to her wellbeing.

Welcome to the bitchy teen era lol.
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