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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

I no longer know what to do

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2014 at 12:51 AM
  • 16 Replies
1 mom liked this

 Honestly I have no idea what to do.  Here I have a 17 year old, almost 18 years old son who simply refuses to stop stealing, snitching, "borrowing", etc.  He was just suspended because he was using someone else's locker to hide stolen shoes that he took from the locker room.  4 brand named shoes.  None his size.  But he wore them anyways.  His suspension was up today.

Before everyone gets upset, my son lives in the basement.  So do I.  We have a bathroom, windows, heat, exterior windows and a walk outside door.  Due to his taking everything not nailed down, we lock the upstairs door so you need to have a key to get up there.  So what did he do?  Took the key off of my keyring!  I mean seriously!  And of course lied about it.

My youngest daughter, has crohn's disease, pancreatic insufficiency, and now has wasting syndrome.  She has lost almost 40lbs since December.  She is now 5'2" and 89lbs. 

My mom bought everyone one of those travel cookie/cheese it things and my daughter is unable to eat but a little at a time.  She went to get her cookies and they were missing.  Of course he lied about it.  Then we found the key missing, yes he lied about that.  We have a store room with excess items so we can always have something in case something happens (power outage, lost job, etc.)  He used to pick the lock to get in and take peanut butter (4lbs) and any goodies he could get his hands on.  When we changed the lock because of it, he climbed under a tiny staircase to get in it.  When that was borded up HE TOOK THE ENTIRE DOORFRAME OUT.  I found out because he wasn't smart enough to nail it back in and it fell on me.

I'm at a loss.  My husband doesn't want to turn him over to the state, we can't kick him out.

I'm so stressed out I can't think.  I've got my youngest who is so sick she's borderline hospital all the time and my son who is so... I don't know... that he won't stop lieing and taking things!

And about therapy, he's been and been and been.  It's now court ordered evaulation and again nothing is wrong with him. 

 

by on Feb. 12, 2014 at 12:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
bahamamama61
by on Feb. 12, 2014 at 12:55 AM
((Hugs))
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
bizzeemom2717
by on Feb. 12, 2014 at 1:31 AM
1 mom liked this
Your son might not want professional guidance but sounds like things are still not changing and in the meantime your youngest daughter has developed a serious health problem that any emotional stress truly exacerbates and makes her symptoms much worse. You are the parent, you need help with boundaries and direction go seek professional help from a family counselor-metal health professional as to what YOU and your husband need to do to set up clear boundaries. Expectations and consequences the two of you need to deal with your son. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it's been going on years now and clearly affecting your other children. I get that you are frustrated and want to continue to vent to other CM members. That's healthy however the home situation is not. Call a professional for you and your husband to get some parenting feedback and help. It's not working right now. You need assistance on how to proceed to make things better. Call the school. Call a crisis line. Just do it ASAP
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GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 1:57 AM

I think it's getting to the point where I would take the youngest and leave until the son turns 18. Or DH and the son leave until he turns 18. His behaviour is affecting your youngest and it's not fair on her health. :/

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Feb. 12, 2014 at 8:34 AM
1 mom liked this

 I think my husband is going to be putting him in jail.  He already has charges pending from the school and destruction of property should be enough to put him there. 

As far as the poster who talked about getting professional help for us to establish boundries for him, we have put boundries on him, expectations, consequences, etc.  It doesn't work.  We have been to parenting classes, gotten help with the Total Transformation which by the way isn't worth a penny since just about all of it is common sense.  We have tried every avenue there is.  He doesn't care.  He have padlocks and keyed locks on every door we don't want him in and he still goes through them.  It doesn't matter what the consequence is, and he lies about it all.  There's nothing left to take away, nothing left to do.

Thanks for the Hug, I needed it.  I'm probably going to just abandon this post, won't delete it because they you wouldn't get my response.  I'm not on here much anymore anyways.

Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 10:42 AM

I just wanted to say, I feel bad for all of you.  It sounds like perhaps you haven't found the right therapist for him.  He needs someone who will take the time to get to the bottom of whatever is going on with him. People aren't born with a gene that makes them want to steal for no reason.  My daughter has been anxious and depressed for awhile, she has been in counseling with an awesome therapist for 6 months and they've just now gotten to the point where they've figured out that she doesn't have good coping strategies for the stress in her life, so she bottles up her emotions, leading to anxiety and depression, especially when something major happens (like a bad breakup). They are working on developing those coping strategies, which could take another 3-6 months.  I don't know how long your son has stayed with any one therapist, but I don't believe this is the kind of thing that can just be resolved after a few sessions.  I would imagine your son would have to be with someone for quite some time before he could even begin to trust the person, and only then could they begin to work on his issues.  Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and praying that you can find some sort of resolution that is beneficial to all of you.

lazyd
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 4:33 PM

as soon as he turns 18 he will go to prison, not juvie..so tell him that..and tell him that you will call the police as soon as he turns 18.  And DON'T go back on your word...it may be tough, but this is what he needs!  As soon as he turns 18, take his stuff, kick it to the curb and CHANGE THE LOCKS, every single one of them!  If he breaks in, than he is breaking n entering & will get arrested.  Take ALL car keys away, if he steals a car, turn him in!!  Yes, this may just lead him down a life of crime, but you have to do whats best for the rest of your family!!  Your son obviously doesn't care bout you or his family.  Have you asked him honestly and point blank WHY he does it?  I mean, it sounds like he has an addiction of some sort.  And of course the therapist will find nothing wrong with him, because he is lying to them!  Stick up for yourself!!  It's gunna be tough!  Also, when he isn't around, take his stuff, his clothes or video stuff (if he has any) or any other electronics - like a phone, computer or laptop? - and SELL them!!!  Tell him YOU bought the stuff & since he is stealing things - like food & destroying property - tell him you need the money to pay for the damages he has caused!!   

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Feb. 12, 2014 at 11:09 PM
2 moms liked this

This is an out of control game for your son.   He is simply proving that he can and will do whatever he wants, regardless of how it affects his ill sister or anyone else for that matter.    He is in control.   He is getting away with it.

If your Dh is not willing to turn him over to the State for a few months, until he turns 18, I find it hard to believe that he will put him in jail.    Maybe the school and parents of those he stole from will press charges.   I hope they do, but I believe your Dh will bail him out.      

You have tried and tried.   You have done everything you can to help him and keep the family intact.   How did YOU end up in the basement with him???  I thought your Dh was living in the basement with him?     In my opinion, you have two choices.   Neither are easy.   You already know what they are.... and I realize it is easier said than done.        1)  turn him over to the State.   2) take your DD's and move out.       You have to protect and care for your sick daughter.   She has to be the priority, not because she is your bio DD, but because of her health.    You have moved mountains to help your son.   What are you willing to sacrifice to help your DD?    

If anyone deserves a break...You do.    I hope you get one, soon.

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Feb. 13, 2014 at 6:11 PM

 Every one of the psychologists have evaulated him, spent a few months with him, testing him, doing little sessions, etc. and none of them came back with a single thing wrong with him.  One "counselor" saw him for a while (can't remember how long) said there's nothing wrong with him, let's try prescriptions.  I walked away from him because if there's nothing wrong with him he doesn't need meds. 

Quoting Niccalyn:

I just wanted to say, I feel bad for all of you.  It sounds like perhaps you haven't found the right therapist for him.  He needs someone who will take the time to get to the bottom of whatever is going on with him. People aren't born with a gene that makes them want to steal for no reason.  My daughter has been anxious and depressed for awhile, she has been in counseling with an awesome therapist for 6 months and they've just now gotten to the point where they've figured out that she doesn't have good coping strategies for the stress in her life, so she bottles up her emotions, leading to anxiety and depression, especially when something major happens (like a bad breakup). They are working on developing those coping strategies, which could take another 3-6 months.  I don't know how long your son has stayed with any one therapist, but I don't believe this is the kind of thing that can just be resolved after a few sessions.  I would imagine your son would have to be with someone for quite some time before he could even begin to trust the person, and only then could they begin to work on his issues.  Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and praying that you can find some sort of resolution that is beneficial to all of you.

 

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Feb. 13, 2014 at 6:16 PM

 That's the plan.  His dad doesn't want him to become a ward of the state.  I don't know why but he refuses it.  We tried to get him arrested A BUNCH of times, and the cop at the school told him that as far as him having pending charges, if he gets in trouble again he's off to juvy.  I called him (hubby wanted me to) the other day and asked him about it.  The freaking cop lied about it.

As far as I'm concerned he's a hostile houseguest.  I've told him so recently.  I can't do it anymore.  I've asked him why he does it and get "I don't know" for every freaking answer.  Why did you take the cookies from your sister?  I don't know.  Why did you take the keys?  I don't know.  Every freaking answer.  And yes I'm sure he's lieing to the therapists too.  The only thing he has in his room now are clothes in a dresser and a bed.  Took his desk and trashed it yesterday because he had shoved all types of food and wrappers in it and we couldn't get it out without cutting the metal desk apart, so we junked it.  All of his stuff he had before is actually being sold.  I've sold one thing, haven't sold the rest.  Some of the stuff went to his sisters.  He stole their ds and broke it so she got his.  Games are split up between then except for the ones I found (that I had locked away) were actually theirs.

Quoting lazyd:

as soon as he turns 18 he will go to prison, not juvie..so tell him that..and tell him that you will call the police as soon as he turns 18.  And DON'T go back on your word...it may be tough, but this is what he needs!  As soon as he turns 18, take his stuff, kick it to the curb and CHANGE THE LOCKS, every single one of them!  If he breaks in, than he is breaking n entering & will get arrested.  Take ALL car keys away, if he steals a car, turn him in!!  Yes, this may just lead him down a life of crime, but you have to do whats best for the rest of your family!!  Your son obviously doesn't care bout you or his family.  Have you asked him honestly and point blank WHY he does it?  I mean, it sounds like he has an addiction of some sort.  And of course the therapist will find nothing wrong with him, because he is lying to them!  Stick up for yourself!!  It's gunna be tough!  Also, when he isn't around, take his stuff, his clothes or video stuff (if he has any) or any other electronics - like a phone, computer or laptop? - and SELL them!!!  Tell him YOU bought the stuff & since he is stealing things - like food & destroying property - tell him you need the money to pay for the damages he has caused!!   

 

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Feb. 13, 2014 at 6:25 PM

 Ok, out of control game. So how is it I win?  I have stopped talking to him.  After his sister told him off yesterday and told him that she wanted to hit him but she was a bigger person than he was and wouldn't (he's hit both sisters when he was mad in the past, we put an end to that) they have stopped speaking to him. 

DH tried to put him in jail the other way.  Apparently the county or state, can't remember which one the cop said, changed the laws in the past few years to a point system that a juvilile has to rape, murder, or attempt murder in order to go to juvy.  Stupid, huh?  As far as the state taking him, I think he's afraid that he's going to do the same thing to an innocent family or he's never going to hear from him again.  Both are likely.  As far as bailing him out of jail, we don't have the money to bail anyone out.  And he doesn't have access to it if we did have it.  I handle all the accounts.

I've talked to the cop, they rounded everyone up from gym class and asked them if they were missing shoes, no one came forward.  Makes me wonder if it really WAS gym class he took them from. 

As far as your choices, technically I can't turn him over to the state.  He's my step son.  For the other option, I don't have the money to move out with my daughters and have no one I can move in with. 

What I can do, and I have done is explained exactly what my plans are to the entire family.  From here on out, he is a hostile houseguest.  I do not interact with him, I do not chat with him, I do nothing for him.  It's not my problem.  My daughters sleep on the main floor away from him and he doesn't get to go up there unsupervised and this time he is completely supervised with someone watching him the entire time, not nodding off on the couch.  He goes up there to use the bathroom, shower and eat and that's it.  Every night before he goes to bed I ask him one question "Do you have anything to say to me?" and so far it's always no.  So I expect this to go on until May and then he leaves.  Both his father and I have told him he needs to make arrangements to move out on his birthday.  He doesn't believe it I'm sure and it's going to be a rude awakening, but at least it will be May and he won't freeze. 

 

Quoting boys2men2soon:

This is an out of control game for your son.   He is simply proving that he can and will do whatever he wants, regardless of how it affects his ill sister or anyone else for that matter.    He is in control.   He is getting away with it. 

If your Dh is not willing to turn him over to the State for a few months, until he turns 18, I find it hard to believe that he will put him in jail.    Maybe the school and parents of those he stole from will press charges.   I hope they do, but I believe your Dh will bail him out.      

You have tried and tried.   You have done everything you can to help him and keep the family intact.   How did YOU end up in the basement with him???  I thought your Dh was living in the basement with him?     In my opinion, you have two choices.   Neither are easy.   You already know what they are.... and I realize it is easier said than done.        1)  turn him over to the State.   2) take your DD's and move out.       You have to protect and care for your sick daughter.   She has to be the priority, not because she is your bio DD, but because of her health.    You have moved mountains to help your son.   What are you willing to sacrifice to help your DD?    

If anyone deserves a break...You do.    I hope you get one, soon.

 

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