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I get too involved with my daughter's relationship with a boy....

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 12:26 PM
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 Hi all - I am new here and really need some advise.  I honestly feel a little silly even admitting my problem.  I have a 14 1/2 year old daughter and she has started getting involved with boys over the past 6 months.  The most recent boy she has been talking to for about 2 1/2 months now and she really cares about him.  But there have been so many ups and downs with them - she has made some mistakes and so has he because they are so young.  Anyway, I find myself wanting to help them to work things out because I know how much she likes him and actually wants him to be her boyfriend.  He hasn't asked her yet but they do call each other cute pet names and "sweetheart" and stuff off and on.  They have had arguments where they didn't take for a day or 2, but for the most part they talk almost every single day either at school or online.  My problem is I get way too involved and worry about my daughter and just want her to be happy so I'm constantly bugging her asking her how it's going with him, and to see if I can help in any way, instead of just letting things BE.  I know she sometimes says stupid things that make him mad and that hurts their relationship so I try to counsel her on that.  But when they do get into a "fight", I tend to be "down" myself because I feel like maybe somehow I could've helped to prevent it from happening if I had talked to her more about it.  I even sometimes read their messages on FB because I want to know how I can help my daughter to not "screw it up" with him.  I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because I wonder why the heck I care so much about this??  Why do I let it control my moods even??  It's actually begun to interfere with my relationships with the rest of my family (I have a husband and 2 other younger daughters also).  I swear I must be going nuts....going crazy 

Thanks for listening!!!

by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 12:26 PM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Feb. 14, 2014 at 12:32 PM
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Oh gosh. Gotta learn to butt out. Also with friends. I stayed out of any drama whenever I could. She has to fail at things. You are helicoptering to the max. It never works.
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MidwestMama55
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 12:36 PM
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It can be hard! But dating at 14 is (or at least should be) not very serious. Getting involved robs your daughter of the learning opportunities here. My advice, which has served me well, is to let her know you are available to listen (LISTEN, NOT OFFER SOLUTIONS).

Do not get involved unless she is in danger or something. This is her relationship, not yours. By inserting yourself into the process you could (and probably are) makings things harder. And her feelings/relationship issues should NEVER affect your own feelings about your life, that's just not healthy, for anyone. Good luck to you!

Carmen66
by Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 1:20 PM
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I'm sorry but 14 is too young to be worring about boys and drama. She needs to focus on school, boys willcome and go. Kids tend to forget that grwoing up too fast is not gonna get them nowhere. My youngest wil be 20 and she is in college, she tells me she has no time for boys cause school is her first priority.

fairybaby55
by Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 4:32 PM

 I'm sure you're right.  It's just so hard not to.  But I definitely need to work on it!!!  Thanks for the advice.

Quoting MidwestMama55:

It can be hard! But dating at 14 is (or at least should be) not very serious. Getting involved robs your daughter of the learning opportunities here. My advice, which has served me well, is to let her know you are available to listen (LISTEN, NOT OFFER SOLUTIONS).

Do not get involved unless she is in danger or something. This is her relationship, not yours. By inserting yourself into the process you could (and probably are) makings things harder. And her feelings/relationship issues should NEVER affect your own feelings about your life, that's just not healthy, for anyone. Good luck to you!

 

fairybaby55
by Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 4:33 PM

 You're right, 14 is young, but she is mature for her age... always has been.  She will be 15 in June.  She also does very well in school (straight As) so there's no problem there at least. 

Quoting Carmen66:

I'm sorry but 14 is too young to be worring about boys and drama. She needs to focus on school, boys willcome and go. Kids tend to forget that grwoing up too fast is not gonna get them nowhere. My youngest wil be 20 and she is in college, she tells me she has no time for boys cause school is her first priority.

 

suesues
by Silver Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 7:15 AM

too young to date period.

Lala5441
by Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 9:13 AM
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OMG there is a another momma like me!  I am so glad that you posted this bc I do the same thing.  My daughter was in a veery bad relationship at 15 (she is 17 now) and I just dont what to go through that again bc like you it effect me to we cried and cried so now I feel like I drive her crazy bc I'm always asking her how are things going with the new boyfriend.  We should talk more bc we have alot in common!

Grnyann65
by Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 9:56 AM
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A broken heart is one boo boo mama can't kiss away. She's 14 1/2, let her learn from her mistakes. Offer advice when she asks for it, a shoulder to cry on. Otherwise, let her be.

fairybaby55
by Member on Feb. 15, 2014 at 10:51 AM

 Yes its so tempting to not be checking up on things and also feeling the same things SHE's feeling when things aren't going well and even when they are going good.  I'm not sure how to stop it honestly....  it's rough.

Quoting Lala5441:

OMG there is a another momma like me!  I am so glad that you posted this bc I do the same thing.  My daughter was in a veery bad relationship at 15 (she is 17 now) and I just dont what to go through that again bc like you it effect me to we cried and cried so now I feel like I drive her crazy bc I'm always asking her how are things going with the new boyfriend.  We should talk more bc we have alot in common!

 

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Feb. 15, 2014 at 2:06 PM
1 mom liked this
I work as a counselor and also with other LMFTs..licensed marriage and family counselors. You need to work on your boundaries. If it is causing stress in other relationships as well and you have difficulty stopping you may want to get some assistance with private counseling. Eventually if you continue this pattern it could very well lead to resentment with your DD. At 14 she may not mind you interfering, by 16 she will not be as happy about it. Also most importantly you are preventing her from learning on her own through trial and air how to navigate the crucial skills of relational communication. This is a normal learning curve that starts in adolescence. Let her come to you and stay out of things. If you continue to have difficulty doing so seek help.

Quoting fairybaby55:

 Yes its so tempting to not be checking up on things and also feeling the same things SHE's feeling when things aren't going well and even when they are going good.  I'm not sure how to stop it honestly....  it's rough.


Quoting Lala5441:

OMG there is a another momma like me!  I am so glad that you posted this bc I do the same thing.  My daughter was in a veery bad relationship at 15 (she is 17 now) and I just dont what to go through that again bc like you it effect me to we cried and cried so now I feel like I drive her crazy bc I'm always asking her how are things going with the new boyfriend.  We should talk more bc we have alot in common!


 

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