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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

New Approach

Posted by on Mar. 10, 2014 at 9:41 AM
  • 12 Replies

I am trying a new approach to my dd13 grades. Nothing is working. At this point I am putting in about 80% effort to her 20%.  We stripped her room. We have removed every privelege imaginable. We have offered rewards. We have sat with her. We have yelled. We have praised. We have spoken with teachers, guidance counselors and principals. We check her grades daily. We have her on ADD meds and tutoring.  Nothing is working. So yesterday, after I discovered that she failed yet another spelling test as well as a math test and a science quiz, I took her out for the day. Over lunch I told her that we were giving her everythign back. Phone, tv, laptop, freedom, etc. Told her I am no longer going to be a helicopter parent with schoolwork. It isn't working anyway. It is now all up to her. Natural consequences be her guide. She freaked the heck out. She started crying right there in the restaurant. She said that I seemed so disappointed in her. I am. She begged me to ground her, take her things anything but this. I assured her that it isn't because I don't care but rather because I feel I care more than her. Lets see if this works. She is a difficult one to get through.

                                   

by on Mar. 10, 2014 at 9:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
nana776
by Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 1:14 PM

Really? Wow! I will have to try that with my dd, she has learning issues, but she doesn't really try most of the time. 

Please keep us updated, I'm very interested to see how this turns out.

atlmom2
by Susie on Mar. 10, 2014 at 1:26 PM

Do you study spelling words and give her mock tests??  That always worked for mine.  Does she do math homework?  If not make sure she does.  DH used to give mine extra work if they were having issues.  Math is something that practice makes perfect on.  They may not have liked it but it did improve their grades a lot.  He was good in math so he could make sure they understood things at home and not have to have tutoring at school.

umm.yeah
by Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 3:05 PM

I can relate to your feeling of disappointment.  I too am feeling so defeated with my 15 yr old DS.  His problem is that he just doesn't care.  He just doesn't do his work.  And sometimes when he does do it, he loses it and then it doesn't get turned in.  I am trying a new thing with him too.  I told him he needs to take a picture of every assignment before he turns it in.  When I check the online grades, if it shows he has a missing assignment, he needs to prove he completed the work - either by showing me the picture or showing me the actual assignment.  If he can't prove the work was completed, he owes me $5 a day until it is no longer showing as missing.  We just started this Thursday and on Saturday he owed $15 to me.  Since he did not have $15 to give me I made him do housework to earn the money to pay me.  I am hoping that it won't take long for him to realize life is going to suck if he is doing nothing but scooping dog poop and cleaning toilets to earn money to pay me for assignments he didn't do.

I should also add that he is in a Catholic High School because the public schools in my town are horrible.  So I am paying thousands of dollars to give him the best education I can while he doesn't care.  I also told him that starting next week he owes me $15 for evey class that he shows as failing as of 5pm on Friday afternoons.  And if he fails any classes for year and needs to take summer school he will be paying for that himself.  So he will have to find a job.  And it will have to be one that will work around his summer school schedule. 

If it was a matter of him just struggling with the work, I can help with that.  But his issue is all from the fact that he just does not care and does not want to give any kind of effort.  So frustrating.

mommyofthezoo03
by Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 3:42 PM


Quoting umm.yeah:

I can relate to your feeling of disappointment.  I too am feeling so defeated with my 15 yr old DS.  His problem is that he just doesn't care.  He just doesn't do his work.  And sometimes when he does do it, he loses it and then it doesn't get turned in.  I am trying a new thing with him too.  I told him he needs to take a picture of every assignment before he turns it in.  When I check the online grades, if it shows he has a missing assignment, he needs to prove he completed the work - either by showing me the picture or showing me the actual assignment.  If he can't prove the work was completed, he owes me $5 a day until it is no longer showing as missing.  We just started this Thursday and on Saturday he owed $15 to me.  Since he did not have $15 to give me I made him do housework to earn the money to pay me.  I am hoping that it won't take long for him to realize life is going to suck if he is doing nothing but scooping dog poop and cleaning toilets to earn money to pay me for assignments he didn't do.

I should also add that he is in a Catholic High School because the public schools in my town are horrible.  So I am paying thousands of dollars to give him the best education I can while he doesn't care.  I also told him that starting next week he owes me $15 for evey class that he shows as failing as of 5pm on Friday afternoons.  And if he fails any classes for year and needs to take summer school he will be paying for that himself.  So he will have to find a job.  And it will have to be one that will work around his summer school schedule. 

If it was a matter of him just struggling with the work, I can help with that.  But his issue is all from the fact that he just does not care and does not want to give any kind of effort.  So frustrating.

This is exactly my problem.


                                   

mommyofthezoo03
by Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 3:46 PM

btdt and have a tshirt to prove it. She has to write her spelling words 5xs each every day as an assignment from the teacher. I have sat over her and looked over her math/science/social studies/spanish when she brings it home. She could easily get the material if she would just give it a 10% effort. She was an A/B student all the way through first half of 7th grade then we slipped to Cs. This year C to D to F. Plus her standarized tests show she can do it.

Quoting atlmom2:

Do you study spelling words and give her mock tests??  That always worked for mine.  Does she do math homework?  If not make sure she does.  DH used to give mine extra work if they were having issues.  Math is something that practice makes perfect on.  They may not have liked it but it did improve their grades a lot.  He was good in math so he could make sure they understood things at home and not have to have tutoring at school.


                                   

umm.yeah
by Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 3:59 PM

Let me know how things work our for you and I'll keep you posted on my progress.  I just checked the grade portal and there are still 2 assignments showing as missing so I am willing to bet he will owe me $10.  And as I was thinking about it, I think I miscalculated and should have charged him $20 rather than $15 because the assignments that are still showing missing were the same ones that are showing missing since this system started. 

atlmom2
by Susie on Mar. 10, 2014 at 4:45 PM
Make her do the math homework till it is right. Dh wouldn't accept the girls homework till every problem was correct and better yet, they understood it.

Quoting mommyofthezoo03:

btdt and have a tshirt to prove it. She has to write her spelling words 5xs each every day as an assignment from the teacher. I have sat over her and looked over her math/science/social studies/spanish when she brings it home. She could easily get the material if she would just give it a 10% effort. She was an A/B student all the way through first half of 7th grade then we slipped to Cs. This year C to D to F. Plus her standarized tests show she can do it.

Quoting atlmom2:

Do you study spelling words and give her mock tests??  That always worked for mine.  Does she do math homework?  If not make sure she does.  DH used to give mine extra work if they were having issues.  Math is something that practice makes perfect on.  They may not have liked it but it did improve their grades a lot.  He was good in math so he could make sure they understood things at home and not have to have tutoring at school.

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JustaSM231
by on Mar. 11, 2014 at 2:45 PM
Oh my gosh! I'm so here as well, except as a SM I can do NOTHING but stand by and watch this train wreck. Went from A/B student last semester (SD14 is a freshman) to a C/D student this semester. Many assignments missing or "0" for lack of effort. SD14 tried to say the teacher lost them. Not in 4 separate classes with 4 separate teachers!! I'm so disappointed and sad for her because she is throwing her potential out the door!!
mommyofthezoo03
by Member on Mar. 11, 2014 at 9:06 PM

well, after day 2 I can tell you I am seeing effort. She couldn't wait to show me her assignment book, previously unused, and get right on her homework, showing it to me when she was done. I praised her but didn't overdue it. Lets see if it lasts. 

                                   

Roo1234
by Member on Mar. 11, 2014 at 9:10 PM
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throughout my children's lives I have always found that expressing sincere disappointment is far more effective than any threats or punishments
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