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Is my daughter a lesbian?

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My daughter, who is now 18, has always been a girly girl...loved her Bratz dolls and American Girl,  dressed like a princess, very into fashion, loved make-up and nail polish etc. All through school she was the same way and actually still is. She's had boyfriends and actually became sexually active with her first real boyfriend when she was just 15. She was so crazy about him as girls that age are but I never thought she would have had sex. Well she did and she told me about it nearly a year later because she was so upset that she had gone through a sexual relationship with this boy and two months later he broke up with her.  After that she had other boyfriends.  One of her boyfriends was a boy she met when she dstarted high school They were friends but I knew she always liked him as something more. Well, they developed a summer relationship and she confessed that she had sex with him as well, but at the beginning of teh new school year, he was gone...still friends but nit interested in her romantically anymore.  Her last boyfriend was a boy she met at work...a local superette. He was the nicest boy and his mom absolutely adored my daughter. His dad was difficult and didn't want his son in a relationship and that was hard on both of them but they muddled through.  They were together for a year and she asked me about going on birth control so I knew they were having sex as well.  A year later, he went off to college. He worked as an RA and felt that it was too much for him with his job, studies and a girlfriend although he told her he still really loved her.  It was very difficult for her.  Shortly thereafter, she began communicating with a girl in California. I know they met online but I'm not sure on which site.  My daughter told me about her and then that fall, asked me if her friend could come to New York to spend the holidays with us. I was uncomfortable with it because she didn't know this girl. I ended up speaking with the girl's mother and she thought it would be a wonderful experience so I allowed it.  That was December 2012. In July 2013, the girl wante dto come back to New York and she had purchased a plane ticket. A couple of weeks before her flight, I found some letters that this girl had written to my daughter telling her she loved her, that she wanted to marry her...she even sent her a ring and when I asked my daughter where she git iut, she lied and told me she bought it. I asked my daughter at that point if she is gay and she said no and that she had straightened things oiut with her friend so that her friend understood there was no relationship other than a friendship between them.  I believed her...maybe I'm naive, but I did. They continued their friendship but I was still suspicious.  My daughter asked if she could go out to California to see her friend on spring break just a couple of weeks ago. I said yes, because after speaking to my therapist, she told me that if my daughter is gay, there is nothing I could do about it anyway.  Before my daughter left for California, I found more letters, again staling about their relationship and how this girl loves my daughter so I pretty much knew there is a relationship. I asked again but my daughter tells me they are friends and that's it.   She came home this past weekend from California and showed me pictures. In some of them, they look like a couple and they also posted some on Tumblr with sayings like...I love her, Babe etc. Both of them posted, not just one of them.  This is killing me.  My husband is disabled and on dialysis. He is also severly depressed and will be going into the hospital very soon.  My daughter does not get along with him, even though he is her dad because she feels he never took care of himself and caused his own issues.  She is also angry because we are suffering financially and in jeopardy of losing our home because we do have enough income. I have a daycare but i have very little enrollment due to the economy. Parents just cant afford it  My daughter is also angry because when my husband was well, he always worked and nevr had time for she or I. On his days off, he slept so we never did many things as a family  and she is resentful.  I have spoken to my therapist as I mentioned and she knows my daughter because she used to see her as well. She does not think my daughter is gay or lesbian but I just don't know.  Please do not judge me. I am a mother and I'm hurting. I just want to know how I can find out of my daughter is a lesbian or is it because of her past relationships with the male gender...her boyfriends and her dad.  Has any other momn out there experienced this?

by on Mar. 18, 2014 at 8:58 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 9:59 PM
It doesn't sound like it. To me it sounds like she made a best friend, a not blood sister. Gay seems to be a fad now though. It seems to kids it is just the thing to be, a way to get attention from their peers. I would just wait and see. Honestly I thought my oldest was going to end up gay. She is now dating a male so guess not.
by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 1:27 PM
1 mom liked this
My friend is an adult who also happens to be lesbian. Her parents are loving, accepting and supportive. Her current partner is not from a like minded family. She hides her true self from her family of origin, because she can't take the idea of them rejecting her. This is a 30 year old woman! I am sad for her and my friend because they must hide this part of their lives. You don't want this to be your daughter. I am not saying you would not support her, but that apparently is what she believes. My son came out to me when he was 12. He was absolutely sure we would reject him. Sometimes kids take their own fears and feelings and project them outward.
If I were you I would not worry about her sexual preferences, as that really has no bearing on you. What I would focus on is showing her your support, acceptance, admiration and respect. Work on rebuilding your relationship in concrete ways. Show her in tangible ways how you feel about her.
You really can't fix what's wrong between her and her dad. It isn't your job. It's between the 2 of them and they'll have to deal with it... Or they won't.
by on Mar. 20, 2014 at 2:43 PM

 We have this vision of our children in our heads when we become parents and our realities of the child we have are often different.  I don't know if she is a lesbian but I would speculate possibly bisexual or just figuring out her sexuality.  That's okay.  Whatever she needs to do to figure out who she is so that she can be a well balanced person is what you want for her.  Honestly, I would not worry about defining this right now as it seems she is not ready to define it herself.  Best of luck to both of you :)

by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 3:54 PM
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I think you are worrying way too much about something you cannot control.  Either she is or she isn't.  Love and support your daughter and love and support the person she loves whether it is male or female.  As a mom, doesn't it really boil down to wanting your daughter to find someone she loves and who loves her back?  Why label it? Why get bent out of shape?  She is still your daughter and she still needs your love.

by Bronze Member on Mar. 22, 2014 at 6:57 AM
1 mom liked this

If your daughter is a lesbian, it is not because of her relationship with her dad or failed relationship with boys.   No one is to blame.   There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian.    She is not telling you the truth because she knows you and your husband will have a problem with it.    Please stop going through her mail.   You SAY you dont care whether she is or not, but your actions, and the way you keep asking her if she is or not, speak otherwise.  

by on Mar. 22, 2014 at 1:00 PM
If she's 18 why are you going through her personal stuff? I agree with what another poster said, you don't sound like you'd be supportive of her. Honestly, yes it does sound like she has interest in this girl, but let HER tell you that. If you lay off, and stop asking her so many questions and be supportive, she'll probably admit it!
by Silver Member on Mar. 22, 2014 at 7:22 PM

She may be bisexual. I wouldn't be worried about her sexual orientation. I would be worried about her response to your snooping, though. 

If you want to know somehting about your daughter, ASK HER. No beating around the bush. ASK.

by on Mar. 23, 2014 at 9:29 AM
Even though my daughter isnt bisexual I noticed that its a common thing now about teens being gay boy or girl sometimes it might be a phase or its just that shes more happier with female either way embrace her and let her know your gonna love her regardless shes probably scared that your not gonna accept her being gay and u never no shes probably just finding herself and its something shes just trying out thats why she dont wanna tell you
by Member on Mar. 29, 2014 at 1:35 PM
Sounds to me she started having sex because she was looking for the love of her dad and she is mad at her dad because she thinks he worked too much and doesn't love her.
She is probably trying to turn to a girl because she's angry at men.
You need to get your husband to talk to her and let her know he loves her.
by Bronze Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:18 AM

I am not saying this to be bashing or mean, I just want to clarify some things. The girl in question is an adult. Her decision to become sexually active doesn't  really need to be seen as pathological. It could be the result of a healthy natural sex drive and not as part of some wrong headed quest to cure some emotional pain. Most people do not become gay or lesbian (or bisexual or transgender) to get back at someone because they are mad. They are that way because that is who they are. I did not wake up one morning and think I have a good relationship with my father, so I will be heterosexual. I was made that way.  I didn't decide that since some girls were mean to me in junior high, I would only be attracted to men. That is a part of my make up. Some people are different than your experience (or mine) that doesn't make them wrong or dysfunctional, in need of fixing. It just makes them different

As far as OP fixing the husband and daughters relationship... she has enough on her plate making sure to give the daughter her own love , support and respect. She has no business trying to affect the relationship of two people whose thoughts, feelings and behaviors she cannot control.

I want to reiterate that I do not say any of this with a mean spirit, simply with a thought of offering a different perspective.

Quoting Mom2Boys9501: Sounds to me she started having sex because she was looking for the love of her dad and she is mad at her dad because she thinks he worked too much and doesn't love her. She is probably trying to turn to a girl because she's angry at men. You need to get your husband to talk to her and let her know he loves her.

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