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Is my daughter a lesbian?

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My daughter, who is now 18, has always been a girly girl...loved her Bratz dolls and American Girl,  dressed like a princess, very into fashion, loved make-up and nail polish etc. All through school she was the same way and actually still is. She's had boyfriends and actually became sexually active with her first real boyfriend when she was just 15. She was so crazy about him as girls that age are but I never thought she would have had sex. Well she did and she told me about it nearly a year later because she was so upset that she had gone through a sexual relationship with this boy and two months later he broke up with her.  After that she had other boyfriends.  One of her boyfriends was a boy she met when she dstarted high school They were friends but I knew she always liked him as something more. Well, they developed a summer relationship and she confessed that she had sex with him as well, but at the beginning of teh new school year, he was gone...still friends but nit interested in her romantically anymore.  Her last boyfriend was a boy she met at work...a local superette. He was the nicest boy and his mom absolutely adored my daughter. His dad was difficult and didn't want his son in a relationship and that was hard on both of them but they muddled through.  They were together for a year and she asked me about going on birth control so I knew they were having sex as well.  A year later, he went off to college. He worked as an RA and felt that it was too much for him with his job, studies and a girlfriend although he told her he still really loved her.  It was very difficult for her.  Shortly thereafter, she began communicating with a girl in California. I know they met online but I'm not sure on which site.  My daughter told me about her and then that fall, asked me if her friend could come to New York to spend the holidays with us. I was uncomfortable with it because she didn't know this girl. I ended up speaking with the girl's mother and she thought it would be a wonderful experience so I allowed it.  That was December 2012. In July 2013, the girl wante dto come back to New York and she had purchased a plane ticket. A couple of weeks before her flight, I found some letters that this girl had written to my daughter telling her she loved her, that she wanted to marry her...she even sent her a ring and when I asked my daughter where she git iut, she lied and told me she bought it. I asked my daughter at that point if she is gay and she said no and that she had straightened things oiut with her friend so that her friend understood there was no relationship other than a friendship between them.  I believed her...maybe I'm naive, but I did. They continued their friendship but I was still suspicious.  My daughter asked if she could go out to California to see her friend on spring break just a couple of weeks ago. I said yes, because after speaking to my therapist, she told me that if my daughter is gay, there is nothing I could do about it anyway.  Before my daughter left for California, I found more letters, again staling about their relationship and how this girl loves my daughter so I pretty much knew there is a relationship. I asked again but my daughter tells me they are friends and that's it.   She came home this past weekend from California and showed me pictures. In some of them, they look like a couple and they also posted some on Tumblr with sayings like...I love her, Babe etc. Both of them posted, not just one of them.  This is killing me.  My husband is disabled and on dialysis. He is also severly depressed and will be going into the hospital very soon.  My daughter does not get along with him, even though he is her dad because she feels he never took care of himself and caused his own issues.  She is also angry because we are suffering financially and in jeopardy of losing our home because we do have enough income. I have a daycare but i have very little enrollment due to the economy. Parents just cant afford it  My daughter is also angry because when my husband was well, he always worked and nevr had time for she or I. On his days off, he slept so we never did many things as a family  and she is resentful.  I have spoken to my therapist as I mentioned and she knows my daughter because she used to see her as well. She does not think my daughter is gay or lesbian but I just don't know.  Please do not judge me. I am a mother and I'm hurting. I just want to know how I can find out of my daughter is a lesbian or is it because of her past relationships with the male gender...her boyfriends and her dad.  Has any other momn out there experienced this?

by on Mar. 18, 2014 at 8:58 AM
Replies (21-24):
DonsMom03
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:38 AM

We as mothers will always be worried and concerned for our children no matter how old they are. We will worry about them as long as we live. That's just the life of being a mother.  All I can say to you is whatever your daughter may be going through at this point and time, just pray for her and love her and support her through it. 

butzi
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:45 AM
I just noticed when I went back and reread the original post that the daughter became sexually active at 15, not 18. While I agree, that would be a little young for my comfort, I would still not necessarily attribute it to some pathology. Many 15 year olds become sexually active because of healthy natural curiosity, combined with a less than optimal impulse control or understanding of delayed gratification.
All I am saying is it could have been all about this kids decision making skills and not necessarily about being wounded and pissed off.

Quoting butzi:

I am not saying this to be bashing or mean, I just want to clarify some things. The girl in question is an adult. Her decision to become sexually active doesn't  really need to be seen as pathological. It could be the result of a healthy natural sex drive and not as part of some wrong headed quest to cure some emotional pain. Most people do not become gay or lesbian (or bisexual or transgender) to get back at someone because they are mad. They are that way because that is who they are. I did not wake up one morning and think I have a good relationship with my father, so I will be heterosexual. I was made that way.  I didn't decide that since some girls were mean to me in junior high, I would only be attracted to men. That is a part of my make up. Some people are different than your experience (or mine) that doesn't make them wrong or dysfunctional, in need of fixing. It just makes them different

As far as OP fixing the husband and daughters relationship... she has enough on her plate making sure to give the daughter her own love , support and respect. She has no business trying to affect the relationship of two people whose thoughts, feelings and behaviors she cannot control.

I want to reiterate that I do not say any of this with a mean spirit, simply with a thought of offering a different perspective.

Quoting Mom2Boys9501: Sounds to me she started having sex because she was looking for the love of her dad and she is mad at her dad because she thinks he worked too much and doesn't love her.
She is probably trying to turn to a girl because she's angry at men.
You need to get your husband to talk to her and let her know he loves her.

teensrmyworld
by Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 9:20 PM

Oh wow, I can SO RELATE to what you are feeling!  My daughter is 16 and has recently announced that she is gender variant which means she identifies as a boy but also as a girl, mostly as a boy, we never know what we are going to get.  I felt your words hit me right in the heart.  Anyone who has not gone through this has no place telling you that you are not supportive. I did not get that vibe at all.  You are upset, your husband is sick and your daughter might be going through something that you find bewildering.  I have a constant knot in my stomach from what my child is going through, it does not mean in any way that I do not love my child,  on the contrary, if I did not, then why would I be losing sleep over this?  My advice is to get a new therapist (I do agree with the people who stated that your therapist has no business making a claim one way or another) and try to take a lot of time for yourself.  I write a lot in my journal and I go for quiet walks with my dog.  My husband and son both feel like this is a phase, but even if it is, it is TOUGH on us mamma's.  I want answers, I want to know what this will look like in 5 years or hell I would like to know what this will look like tomorrow!  To say that either of us is not supportive is garbage.  Of course we are, this just hurts and a few virtual hugs could go a long ways in making folks feel better.  We live in a society that has determined that it is almost "hip" to be gay, trans or bisexual and although that is awesome for the folks who are going through it, it can also have the effect of isolating the people in the parent roles into being "bad" for not jumping up and down about it.  For all of those people who passed along the "you are a bad person" messages, shame on you and furthermore if you are looking for ways to support the gay, lesbian, trans and bi community, reaching out to the parents in a loving way is also the best way to bring about whole change for the better.  So to you from me HUG!

butzi
by Member on Apr. 13, 2014 at 10:13 AM
You are so right! Hugs to you and the OP. Whatever things our kids bring into the relationship affect us. I know that kids with gender identity issues, are frequently emotionally abandoned by their parents. Kudos to you for remaining present to your child, while working through your own stuff! Your relationships will grow stronger as both of your children can see your love and acceptance.

Quoting teensrmyworld:

Oh wow, I can SO RELATE to what you are feeling!  My daughter is 16 and has recently announced that she is gender variant which means she identifies as a boy but also as a girl, mostly as a boy, we never know what we are going to get.  I felt your words hit me right in the heart.  Anyone who has not gone through this has no place telling you that you are not supportive. I did not get that vibe at all.  You are upset, your husband is sick and your daughter might be going through something that you find bewildering.  I have a constant knot in my stomach from what my child is going through, it does not mean in any way that I do not love my child,  on the contrary, if I did not, then why would I be losing sleep over this?  My advice is to get a new therapist (I do agree with the people who stated that your therapist has no business making a claim one way or another) and try to take a lot of time for yourself.  I write a lot in my journal and I go for quiet walks with my dog.  My husband and son both feel like this is a phase, but even if it is, it is TOUGH on us mamma's.  I want answers, I want to know what this will look like in 5 years or hell I would like to know what this will look like tomorrow!  To say that either of us is not supportive is garbage.  Of course we are, this just hurts and a few virtual hugs could go a long ways in making folks feel better.  We live in a society that has determined that it is almost "hip" to be gay, trans or bisexual and although that is awesome for the folks who are going through it, it can also have the effect of isolating the people in the parent roles into being "bad" for not jumping up and down about it.  For all of those people who passed along the "you are a bad person" messages, shame on you and furthermore if you are looking for ways to support the gay, lesbian, trans and bi community, reaching out to the parents in a loving way is also the best way to bring about whole change for the better.  So to you from me HUG!

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