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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

How stong is your backbone??

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:49 AM
  • 17 Replies

My son will be 13 in July. But already thinks he is a teenager, and acts like it. He is such a jerk sometimes. Yes some of you may think I am being a little harsh, but this is a place to be honest right???

 

Well, I also don't seem to have a backbone. I discipline my kids, and then a day later I give in. Example: My son hasnt been doing well with his homework, either not doing it at all, or half-assing it. So I took his brand new andriod phone away, and gave him a brick phone with no texting on it, to keep at home, in case of emergencies....told him he can get his new phone back when he starts doing better with his homework. Now I am just starting to feel terrible! I havent given it back to him....yet. I am going to try and hold my ground this time.

So my question is, how do you moms get over "the look" they give you when they are mad or upset?? How did you grow a backbone?? Mind you, I am also a single mom...I dont have dad there to help me out...he lives 2 hours away and is no help over the phone...my son thinks he is a joke. (He kinda is)

How do you get over feeling bad that they are sooo mad at you and seem to hate you for the moment? He gives me this blank look...like I cannot believe you are doing this to me....I know it is best in the long run. But it is so hard to just be "ok' about it.

by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
DanaG70
by Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:54 AM

I just don't. I have always stuck to my guns and made sure I didn't cave. It always helps if you do it while they are young. 

Maybe it was because their father, whom I'm no longer with, was always giving in and trying to be their friend, which caused me to be the one to be the bad guy. However, my kids know better than to push me because of it.

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:57 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting domsmom1026:

Well, I also don't seem to have a backbone. I discipline my kids, and then a day later I give in. Example: My son hasnt been doing well with his homework, either not doing it at all, or half-assing it. So I took his brand new andriod phone away, and gave him a brick phone with no texting on it, to keep at home, in case of emergencies....told him he can get his new phone back when he starts doing better with his homework. Now I am just starting to feel terrible! I havent given it back to him....yet. I am going to try and hold my ground this time.

Feeling terrible is a sign you've done the right thing. YOU ARE NOT HIS FRIEND.

So my question is, how do you moms get over "the look" they give you when they are mad or upset??

I pay no atention to it. If he gives me the look I know I've done the job RIGHT. If he calls me "mean" I know I've done the job RIGHT. 

I worry when he's pleased about something I tell him. My job is NOT to be his fried; it's to raise him to b e a healthy responsible citizen and getting there involves doing lots of stuff he DOES NOT LIKE.

How did you grow a backbone?? Mind you, I am also a single mom...I dont have dad there to help me out...he lives 2 hours away and is no help over the phone...my son thinks he is a joke. (He kinda is)

How do you get over feeling bad that they are sooo mad at you and seem to hate you for the moment?

By being PLEASED when I get that. It means OI'm getting the job done correctly. Don't be obsessed with being liked by ANYONE in this world. The ONLY person you have to answer to is the Woman in your Mirror. She's your conscience.

He gives me this blank look...like I cannot believe you are doing this to me....I know it is best in the long run. But it is so hard to just be "ok' about it.

Sounds to me like you haven't done enough disciplining in the past. So he's not going to like it now. That's OK. Your job is not and NEVER WILL BE to be liked. If being liked means he flunks classes or gets in trouble, then you've gone wrong.

My brother and I thought our parents were the meanest people in the world when we were growing up. But now, 40 years later, we look at our friends raised by "nice" parents... and we know our parents did the right thing by us. 

atlmom2
by Susie on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:59 AM
1 mom liked this

You can't give in.  Follow through if the most important part of raising teens.  Don't feel bad.  It is for their own good.  This is coming from a Mom of a 23 yo and a 20 yo.  You are not your kids friends.  You are a parent.

StreetsAhead
by Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:27 AM

I'm a softy but also a disciplinarian.

I struggle with DS because there is only 12 years between us and Im not him mother. I have to be the parent but in another way I cant be. So have to approach things differently (DH can distance himself more from that) But I certainly dont let him get away with things, and I dont back down far too stubborn to do that 

wakymom
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:34 PM

 I'm not sure how I did. Yes, I feel terrible when I get that look, but I usually don't have a problem w/ giving a "Tough kid, you messed up" look back. Maybe it's b/c I've had a problem w/ whether or not people like me- yes, I would prefer they did, and yes, it hurts sometimes when they don't, but I refuse to change who I am to please anyone. Being stubborn helps, too : )

Keep reminding yourself that it is in your son's best interest that you not back down. He needs to learn now that you are still in charge and he must follow the rules (in this case, doing his job- which is all school work, regardless of how he feels about it) and treat you and others w/ respect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mommyofthezoo03
by Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:25 PM

I have seen first hand what not following through can do. That is enough for me. However, some times after I have doled out the punishment I rethink it and realize I may not have been fair. In those cases I may go back on my word BUT not without a full conversation. I think there is something to be said for admitting I was wrong when I am.

Msgme
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 2:32 PM
1 mom liked this

I totaly understand where you are coming from.  I've never been very good with long term grounding or punishments ever.   When my son was in 7th grade he got really bad in school with grades on purpose.  I had to do something so i got really really tough and it was really really hard.  I would keep his report card hung so that i could remind myself why I was being so tough. I was doing it for his benefit. If he stayed on the track he was it was going to lead him no where.  I've also noticed it helps if i dont leave things open ended.  LIke if i take away his xbox there has to be an end in sight.  Either Next report card, or a certain date.  And he has to continue to meet goals along the way.

It took a while for him to realize I was no longer going to give in  and it was rough at first, eventually he got it and knows he doesnt get the fun things in life unless he puts in the work. 

Linagma03
by Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:18 PM
2 moms liked this

I began to do that when they were toddlers and I never had that problem. I had my son tell me when he was 3 that he hated me because I took away his favorite toy, I just told him I loved him anyway and he'd get it back when he was a good boy. When they got older I was at the point where if I had taken something or they were being punished then I didn't care what they thought because I knew I was in the right and that what I was doing was for their benefit and if they hated me (thought they did) then guess I was doing the right thing. Besides they didn't hate me for long. That is the whole thing he won't hate you for long even if he says the words he doesn't mean them.

If you don't stand your ground now then you are just setting yourself up to be seen as a joke when he is older and decides he can do or say what he wants because you won't do anything and if you do what ever punishment you hand out won't matter to him because he knows you don't mean it. 

my2kidsmom9498
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:25 PM
Discipline comes from the word disciple, some one who needs to learn. So, you can teach him real life lessons at home where the consequences are not having a phone for a it or let the world show him when he gets fired.
suesues
by Silver Member on Apr. 4, 2014 at 7:38 AM

just hang in there tell him school is his only job now and must do well make him earn phone back 

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