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Son is moving out next month

Posted by on Apr. 14, 2014 at 8:43 AM
  • 10 Replies

 The family has had enough and everyone is in agreement.  My son is moving out next month.  He turns 18 and for his birthday we are giving him his "freedom".  With all the trouble he's been getting into with stealing, getting suspended, lieing, anger problems, etc. we simply can no longer handle it.

We told him that he needs to find someplace to live by his birthday.  I talked to the school to determine what would happen when he moves and if I know ahead of time where he's going we (the other adult) can go with me to the school and it's just paperwork.  If I don't do that he is unenrolled when I call up there and say he's moved with no forwarding address.  I was told most people would not even continue school at that point because it is very difficult to re-enroll then.  I have been pressuring him to find someplace to go.

He has talked to relatives several times and has not asked them anything about living with him.  He informed me he wasn't going to.  He was going to ask his friends but it's been almost 2 months and he hasn't asked anyone.  I have no idea what he's going to do.

It's not just about the fact that he's been doing all this, it's about his little sister who is sick.  Stress makes things worse on her, even little stress that we can't control (such as the pollen is too high to go outside).  The stress he brings to the table with the constant negativity, the constant bickering has caused her to go into the hospital twice.  I'm being told by police that the day he turns 18 if he does it he can go to jail for child abuse and I can go to jail for contributing to child abuse if he ends up in the hospial again. 

He has been doing this since BEFORE she got sick.  This is not a result of her getting sick.  He has been seen by many therapists and mental professionals and been evaulated 3 seperate times in 3 seperate ways.  He does NOT have a mental problem or if he does he does not permit professionals to see it and refuses to go to therapy now because he's "not sick".

So I guess I told you all of this because I worry about him but know what needs to be done.  Has anyone else had a situation like this that turned out good?

by on Apr. 14, 2014 at 8:43 AM
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by on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:14 PM

I know it's been hard on you dealing with this situation for the past few years. I haven't been through this personally, but will offer up what we all already know: Sometimes they get their heads out of their asses by 25.. sometimes by 30.. sometimes not ever. Everything else I can offer is just a great big cyber *HUG*

by Gold Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 5:11 PM

 All I've got for you is (((hugs))). I know it hasn't been easy for you and your family.




by Grumpy on Apr. 14, 2014 at 10:36 PM

 Case in point, he was supposed to be somewhere else and I left with the girls to run some errands.  When I came home he had used a ladder to break into the upstairs window so he could go through the fridge and then search my room for things he WANTS!  I can't take this anymore.

by on Apr. 15, 2014 at 10:52 AM

 prayingeverything works out for the best

by on Apr. 15, 2014 at 11:49 AM

This is a tough one, indeed.  I can only offer my own personal 'story' of moving our 2nd oldest daughter out of our home.  She doesn't lie, steel or party/do drugs, but living with her was wearing on us because of the way she acted in our home and disrespcted us.  On that level, the disrespectful attitude, I can relate.  Our daughter would sleep until noon (having a very part-time job), and then feel entitled to watch TV, HER choosing, when she wanted.  My DH would come home from 10 hours working, and she would basically 'insult' him and tell him how rude he was to take the remote away from her to watch what HE wanted to watch.  She wouldn't help around the house.....only unless threatened.  It was causing ME anxiety and severe migraines because of her disrespect.  It went so far as she would SLAM her bedroom door after yelling profanities at me for making coffee/breakfast in the morning for my DH and myself...because I was being rude and noisy and awakend her!!!  We moved her OUT 2 years ago to an apartment, all the while paying for college tuition for her.  Her share was paying rent, with a job she had...but since she worked so very part-time and neglected to save enough, and then lost her job, she ran out of money and we allowed her to move back home again. 

We made a verbal contract,  that she get 'help' because she did suffer anxiety issues AND that she get a job that offered more hours.  That didn't happen.  We let this go on for yet another 1 1/2 years, somehow 'hoping' she would mature enough to see the light and WANT to move out, but, it took US putting our foot down and deciding that this past January was FINAL and she move to an apartment for good.  She HATED us up and down and wished we were dead because apparently we didn't care about her. 

As for your son, he obviously shows little respect for you and your values, nor does he even care about the health and well-being of family members.  If he is in to drugs, you had every right to search his room and drug test him.  Perhaps that is what he has been involved with and you didn't realize it (or I missed it in your post).  While he was underage, would have been the perfect time to request he go to counseling for issues. He would not be allowed to live in my house any longer, either, if I were in your situation.  He is being abusive.  If you have sat down with him in the past and laid out the 'laws' of him living with you, and this is how he continues to behave, then you certainly should feel no guilt in following through with 'evicting' him from your home. 

If you want to make the transition of moving out a little less traumatic, you can talk to him about where he would like to live and offer to help him look for apartments.  Does he have a job that he can even pay for rent?  I know in our town, there are rooms for rent pretty cheap, and that may be what he has to do.  I checked them out in our town, preparing our dd for moving out, and was willing to co-sign just to get her out and on her own.  Perhaps that would be the wake-up call he needs to turn things around for himself. That shows him that you at least still care about him, you just don't approve of his behavior.

I feel for you and your situation, but you have to do what is best for yourself and your family.

by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2014 at 4:47 AM
1 mom liked this
My step son moved out because he didn't like the fact that there were rules and when his Dad was gone he had to listen to me. He tried to make everyone believe I hated him and kicked him out he was 17 he moved in with a friend and thought his Dad would put me in my place and beg him to come home that the wicked sm wouldn't hurt his feelings any more. SS got big surprise when a week went by and Dad didn't come begging. When they talked DH told him he could come home when he could follow the rules and respect me. He stayed gone for 6 months. When he moved back it was good for short time then began again but now he was old enough I could kick him out and I did. When he was 19 his whole attitude changed. My truck broke down and my SS rebuilt the engine, he would call at least once a week and see if I needed any help with fences or fixing any of the small barns I had for my animals.

It took some tough love but he got a dose of reality and time to think and with the upbringing he had he came around. He just had to learn the hard way that he really didn't have it that bad at home.

If he doesn't have a place lined up then the day after his birthday I'd have his stuff sitting on the porch for him. From that day on if he came in the house while you were gone I'd call the cops. He needs to be held accountable for his actions.
by Silver Member on Apr. 20, 2014 at 6:28 AM

I've been thinking about this/you for ages and am really glad that this is happening for you guys. Maybe what he needs is to fall flat on his face? I don't know. Either way - fingers crossed that your daughter gets better soon!

by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 9:42 AM
All I got is a hug for u good luck
by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 10:27 AM

I went through a similar situation with my oldest. He was always very angry and always bringing turmoil into the house, it got to the same point you are at, the authorities said that he had to leave or I could lose my younger two. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my entire life. 

It was a big dose of reality for him. It wasn't as easy as he thought, to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. He was mad for a while and didn't talk to me for several months.

He is now 30, and for a while, had a rough time with dealing with the consequences of his own choices, but he is finally wising up and making some good decisions for his life. He tells me now, that throwing him out was the best thing I could have done for him.

Good Luck Mamma. ((((HUGS))))

by Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 5:22 AM
No advice. Good luck. Thst sounds so difficult.
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