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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

I've had it up to here with the lying!

Posted by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 6:48 PM
  • 13 Replies

My DD is 16 and very smart, funny and although she has mood swings and ADHD, can be incredibly enjoyable to be around.  However, she's had a problem with lying for as long as I can remember.  I thought she would get over it, but she hasn't.  Lately, her grades have been slipping and she lies about doing her homework and making up assignments even though she knows I can and will check with her teachers about it.  I even give her warnings and she clams up.  Yesterday, I told her I was going to email four of her teachers because her grades showed that she had no credit for some tests that she told me she made up a month ago and that if she had lied about doing them now was the time to either get them done or fess up.  She said she hadn't lied and to go ahead and email.  The first response came back that she did indeed lie about making up the test!  I'm furious!  I don't understand why she does this!  She's being disrespectful to me and making me look like a fool when I email her teachers assuming it's their fault there isn't a grade, which is a horrible thing for her to do to me.  I've tried everything I can think of to fix this.  Taken away privileges (she lost her computer four months ago), told her no driver's license until her grades are fixed, taken away her phone, given her extra chores and even tried to set up a reward system instead.  Nothing works.  She continues to lie and not care about it.  She continually makes bad choices.  She sees a psychiatrist because she has mild bipolar disorder and her doctor feels that it could be her illness manifesting through making these bad choices, but I don't know if that's an excuse or what to do about it if it is.  She is on medication, and is stable, so I just don't know.

Do any of you have advice on how to deal with a pathological lying teenager? 

Thanks!

by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 6:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 8:50 PM

I'd be seeing a different doctor. She's NOT actually stable if she's lying like this. 

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:21 PM
1 mom liked this

Believe NOTHING that comes out of her mouth. You pretty much have to treat every word she says like a lie. Tell her it's sad you have to do this, but until you find out it's the truth (consistently) this is how it's going to be. She says she doesn't have homework? Email and ask. She says she handed in the assignment? Call and ask. Check EVERYTHING. I would even go as far as to set up meetings with her teachers to say they sign her planner daily as to what homework she has. She is now on lockdown until her grades improve and STAY improved. I'd find a new psych too. Her illness is NO excuse. Tell her that because you can't trust her, she has no cell, no internet (besides homework that you sit right next to her for) and she goes NOWHERE unless you go. Her friends can come over to your house but in common area's only. But still - give her small opportunities to earn your trust back,as you think she deserves it. Let her go to the library alone for small windows of time, talk on the phone in private, etc, and build it up. But let her know - one bout of lying and ALL the trust is gone again.

my2kidsmom9498
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:57 PM
When you figure it out, let me know. My ds is doing the exact crap lately. This is new this year.
suesues
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 8:38 AM

make dr appt

Msgme
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 9:51 AM

My son has similar issues with lying about school work.  It baffles my mind sometimes because he knows he will get caught. I will find about it and he will get in trouble.  He's been known to lie all semester long and then try and catch up at the end of the semester to pass his class.  Middle school was really bad for him with it.  I had alot of issues with teachers not contacting me until that report card.  In his mind he's like I can get away with it for 3 months then i'll worry about it.  I tried a technique back when he was in middle school and it has gotten better but he still does it on occasion. He very rarely has the chance to lie because i dont ask. I see his grades alot more often now and if i see he's doing poorly then i assume he's not doing what he's suppose to do be dong and i check on it.  If i find he's not doing what he's suppose to do then he's in trouble. no more waiting 3 months to find out.  We have our ups and downs. Freshman year he was on point all year long.  Then this semester he started to seriously slack off and he's in danger of failing 3 classes this semester.

heather_c
by New Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 3:18 PM

 

Quoting Msgme:

My son has similar issues with lying about school work.  It baffles my mind sometimes because he knows he will get caught. I will find about it and he will get in trouble.  He's been known to lie all semester long and then try and catch up at the end of the semester to pass his class.  Middle school was really bad for him with it.  I had alot of issues with teachers not contacting me until that report card.  In his mind he's like I can get away with it for 3 months then i'll worry about it.  I tried a technique back when he was in middle school and it has gotten better but he still does it on occasion. He very rarely has the chance to lie because i dont ask. I see his grades alot more often now and if i see he's doing poorly then i assume he's not doing what he's suppose to do be dong and i check on it.  If i find he's not doing what he's suppose to do then he's in trouble. no more waiting 3 months to find out.  We have our ups and downs. Freshman year he was on point all year long.  Then this semester he started to seriously slack off and he's in danger of failing 3 classes this semester.

 This is almost EXACTLY what my daughter is doing.  She knows every time she will get caught because I check on everything!  I even give her chances to come clean and tell her that I'm going to check and she'll still stick to her story.  This is the part that baffles me!  Why lie when you know there is absolutely zero chance of getting away with it?  She has had a pretty stead 3.14 for most of high school, then she took a nose dive down to 1.75.  She's perfectly capable, just not motivated and I can't figure out how to motivate her.  At 16, you would think a driver's license and a phone would pretty much do it, but not so far.  She just goes along.  She does the same thing of pulling a hail mary at the last minute and comes out in the end all shiny and good, but that's a really bad habit to get into and I'm trying to break her of it because it will eventually backfire on her. 

Linagma03
by Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 5:50 PM
Mine has gotten away with the school stuff because the teachers allow it. He doesn't do much of anything all semester so carries an F then about 2 weeks before end of semester his teachers let him do a whole semester worth of work and he would be given a grade of a B in just about every class. So he didn't do any work and got the chance to get a good grade when the other kids did their work on time. He has lied about school work since 1st grade and I've done all the things like have the teachers send daily notes about homework and if he even did any in class then I'd sign it that only worked when he would do the work he has sat at the table from after school to bedtime and not done his work. He was grounded everything taken away and nothing has helped. He is a sophomore now and I check his grades tell him he better get them up or he'll be lacking credits to graduate and I leave it there he is old enough to have to deal with his choices and the consequences from them. He lies about everything and I treat him like a liar I don't believe him if he tells me the sky is blue until I go look outside first. I don't trust him and he doesn't care what kind of punishment he is given. So all I can do is let him deal with the consequences.

It comes down to tough love at this point and letting her fail maybe the only option left.
butzi
by Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:48 AM
My daughter was like this. She lied about school, friends, where she had been and what she was doing...the crazy thing was she lied about stupid inconsequential things too. She'd lie about something somebody said, or something she saw. Im talking about things I would never care about. She is an adult. She still lies, about big things and lite things. For some reason a lie is better to her than the truth. I just assume whatever she's saying is untrue. I know ahead of time that I cant count on her. It's frustrating and annoying, but it is what it is. Interestingly I have 4 other kids no other liars.
heather_c
by New Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 7:00 PM

 

Quoting butzi: My daughter was like this. She lied about school, friends, where she had been and what she was doing...the crazy thing was she lied about stupid inconsequential things too. She'd lie about something somebody said, or something she saw. Im talking about things I would never care about. She is an adult. She still lies, about big things and lite things. For some reason a lie is better to her than the truth. I just assume whatever she's saying is untrue. I know ahead of time that I cant count on her. It's frustrating and annoying, but it is what it is. Interestingly I have 4 other kids no other liars.

 And this is what I'm really afraid of.  I don't want her to grow up thinking it's okay to lie and turning into a lying adult.  She has aspirations of being in law enforcement and I keep trying to tell her this kind of behavior and attitude will never be tolerated in that field.  I feel like it can only get worse the older she gets.

rainboz
by Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 6:20 PM
My daughter who is 16 lies to my face I don't bother calling her out I just make necessary precautions. You must be one step ahead of your lying little angel. :-)
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