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D15 Challenging Me . . . Why, why, why?

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2014 at 1:01 AM
  • 9 Replies
2 moms liked this

My 15-year-old daughter is at it again. Last month, she asked to spend the night with a friend. I know and trust this friend and her family, so I said okay. I told D15 to be home by 1 p.m. the following afternoon. Well, 1:00 rolled around, then 2:00, 3:00, etc. I texted D15 to ask where she was. She didn't reply. I then called her. It went to voice mail. I kept calling and texting until she responded. Keep in mind that whenever her friends text or call her, she IMMEDIATELY responds, so I KNOW she was getting my texts and phone messages. She just chose to ignore them. When she finally did respond, she said they had gone downtown shopping and were on their way home. Another hour passed and they still weren't home! It was getting later and later, and I grew more worried. She kept telling me she would "be home soon." Finally, I went down to her friend's house to see if they were, indeed, gone. Imagine my surprise when my D15's friend (the one she was SUPPOSED to be staying with) answered the door! Turns out, D15 used the overnight stay as an excuse to spend the night with her so-called boyfriend. I was furious, upset, and disappointed all at the same time. I never ever thought in all my wildest dreams that she would pull a stunt like this. I hate to think how her father would have reacted if he were alive. I took away her cell phone and iPod for several days and she was not allowed to go to her friend's house (the friend had no idea of D15 plans to "use" her in her plot).

I then asked D15 pointblank if she'd slept with the boy. She assured me she did not, but I am beginning to wonder if my precious 15-year-old daughter is still a virgin. To be honest, I don't even know!  I also found out that the boy (who is also 18!) had already gotten another girl pregnant and she hasn't even had the baby yet! D15 told me that when she was at his grandparents' house, he actually left her with them while he went and had lunch with the pregnant girl! OMG! I realized then that D15 was scared and put in a position that could have been potentially very dangerous. And as I type this, I have learned that this boy is now in jail. Good grief. I thought my daughter had a better head on her shoulders than to get mixed up with someone like this! All I can think and say is that she is so starved for the male attention that she will seek it anywhere, even if it means on the other side of the tracks.

Well, things were going okay for awhile after all the above. D15 got her driver's license and has been my chauffeur since I now have a sprained ankle. I can drive if I have to, but it is painful, not to mention dangerous with this big clunky boot I am wearing. We were beginning to grow close again. Or so I thought.
Well, fast forward to tonight. I see D15 working hard on her research paper and give her permission to go to another friend's house, a foreign exchange student from Japan, to help the girl write her paper, since she has a hard time with writing the English language. That was at 7:30. I told D15 to be home at 8:30 as bedtime is at 9:00 for my children. She said "Okay, Mom," and left. Well, 8:30 rolls around, then 9:00, then 9:15. Again, we are back to texting and calling and no reply. When she does reply, she says the Japanese girl's host family had taken them all out to ice cream. I then said that she needed to get my permission to do this because I had specifically told her to be home at 8:30. I told her she should have declined their invitation because she needed to be home at a certain time. I suspect something else fishy going on here.

Anyway, when she finally did get home, it was 9:45, a whole hour and fifteen minutes from the time I told her to be home.

When I went to take away her cell phone (again), she took out the battery and defied me. I stared her down and told her to give me the battery, but she refused. I said, "Why? What are you trying to hide? Some boy sending you pictures of his p***s? She refused to look at me then, and I knew I had hit the nail on the head. She said it had only happened that day. I said, "Why didn't you delete it?" She said she didn't have time. Yeah, right. I made her delete it and then took her phone and iPod away. She has also lost her driving privileges. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and drive with this boot after all. And that sucks for me.

I might also add that I had her see a counselor after the first incident. She's been to several counselors since her dad died, but my girls just don't talk, and I can't see paying for a therapist if my girls aren't going to talk. I don't know what was discussed at the session, but she had the opportunity to go back or not, and she chose not to. I think I may have to revisit that. If not her, then me for sure!

So what am I doing wrong? Why is my daughter challenging me? Why is she hurting me this way? I don't know how to respond to her anymore, and when I do, it's almost always in anger because I worry about her. I know anger won't solve the problem. It will only make matters worse and then she will run away and end up pregnant and on the street. If it isn't this one daughter, it's the 12-year-old. D20 and D14 are nothing like these two! In fact, they are usually the ones protecting me from the other two!

They are two peas in a pod, both drama queens and argumentative and very disrespectful.  I swear their father is disappointed in me in how I am raising them. I have done everything I know how to do as a single mom to protect my daughters, while at the same time, allowing them some independence, i.e., sleepovers, hanging out with friends, church camps, etc. And THIS? THIS is the thanks I get? Something's gotta give!  

by on Apr. 30, 2014 at 1:01 AM
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Replies (1-9):
GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Apr. 30, 2014 at 4:09 AM
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I would ground her. She cannot go ANYWHERE but school without you. (That way you get your chauffeur back too!) everywhere you go, she goes. And vice versa. Take away the privilege of sleepovers. Demand parent numbers and CALL if she does have to do things for school. Take away all technology except school. Everytime she disrespects you -chores. This will work for your 12yo too.

Have YOU talked to your girls about your husbands death? Maybe all they want is to share happy times with you. Do you talk about him or is he a forbidden topic?
Momma3220
by on Apr. 30, 2014 at 4:27 AM
2 moms liked this

I dont know how the hell I got here but somehow I did ! Im 21 and A mother one 1 little girl . So I cant really tell you what to do but I Can give you suggestions because im closer to her age . PLEASE for all things holy dont put this little girl on complete lockdown  , She will rebel against you 10x worse . But with that being said . Dont let her go buckwild either . because this can go 1 of 2 ways   , 1 She can respect you and feel as if she can come to you ... Or 2 go off the deep end not tell u anything do as you say then out of nowhere runaway with the boy , I could just imagine how u feel . But putting her on lock down isnt going to solve much . I was like your daughter . But I had a really rough life. and I didnt know how to deal with all that I was going through , You need to find her a mentor . Someone that she can look up to . someone that will upbuild her and know how she is feeling . Honestly this may sound crazy but I would really like to reach out to you and help you with your daughter . because I feel like Im looking at me , your telling my story . Now that I look back on things. I often think if i had someone there for me growing up I would have saved myself so much heartache . 

Crazylife1994
by on Apr. 30, 2014 at 8:03 AM
1 mom liked this

Your probally not going to like this but I'm going to say it. She needs to be on birth control because teenage girls don't sneak and sleep at their boyfriends house unless they are.

Ground her and make it clear that she isn't in charge. I completly agree with GleekingOut.

Somehow you have to get them to talk about their father.

zacmacsmomm
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2014 at 9:46 AM
1 mom liked this

First of all, sorry for your loss!  Also, she's not doing this to hurt you.  I know it's hard, but try not to take it personal.  She's grieving as you all are.  Wish I had better answers for you.

Serendipitous1
by Member on Apr. 30, 2014 at 10:07 AM
So sorry for your loss and for having to go through this. I agree with Crazylife1994 and many of the above recommendations. Your daughter needs to understand that you are the parent and she is the child. I recommend therapy, too. This will provide her a professional to talk out her challenges with who will help guide her and will help you guide her. It will strengthen the relationship.

I have a 15 year old daughter, too. I battled cancer recently and it was devistating to our family. But, there are times when my daughter forgets, yells at me rudely - teens just lose it sometimes. Other times she cries and tells me she doesn't want me to die.

Please consider therapy.
Memere60
by on Apr. 30, 2014 at 11:29 AM

I agree with this. Anything your daughter does, you will be responsible for until she is 18. She is making horrible choices, so you need to make sure she is not in an environment that will allow her to continue to do so. This goes for your 12 year old too. It will be a fight, but you will be showing her that you love her enough to protect her from anything that will be harmful to her (and your 12 year old).

Quoting GleekingOut: I would ground her. She cannot go ANYWHERE but school without you. (That way you get your chauffeur back too!) everywhere you go, she goes. And vice versa. Take away the privilege of sleepovers. Demand parent numbers and CALL if she does have to do things for school. Take away all technology except school. Everytime she disrespects you -chores. This will work for your 12yo too. Have YOU talked to your girls about your husbands death? Maybe all they want is to share happy times with you. Do you talk about him or is he a forbidden topic?


syanmomie
by on Apr. 30, 2014 at 11:43 AM
1 mom liked this

Putting her on lockdown will only make the rebellion worse. I know, I did it. The stricter my parents got, the worst I got. I am honestly lucky to even be alive with the crap I pulled. Talk to her about her dad. Talk to her about her choices. It won't be easy, but don't be judgmental. Be factual. Explain where she is headed. Hell, use me as an example. I am 32 years old, and my oldest biological child is 16. One month after celebrating my sweet sixteen, I got to give birth. She may not even fully understand what she is doing. She may think she is taking control of her life and making her own decisions, while she is really endangering herself. At that she, you believe you are bullet proof and nothing can stop you. You need to find the right balance of freedom and discipline. And if that were easy, no one would ever have a problem child. I wish you the best of luck, and hope everything works out. 

tararod77
by on Apr. 30, 2014 at 12:31 PM

Oh wow!! I am so very sorry your going through this. Your daughter sounds a little like me when I was her age. My mother kicked me out on my butt and I had to figure things out on my own. Thats what happens when kids think they are grown and can do whatever they want regardless of the rules. Tough love is the key in my opinion. 

Just know that it isn't your fault or the way your raising her. It's her desision. She knows right from wrong and what's expected of her. It's her choices that she needs to learn from. I know this probably isn't the thing you want to hear, but again, it worked for me when my mother got to the end of her rope.

Good luck to you!!

Beachdeprived
by on Apr. 30, 2014 at 1:49 PM

Hi Susan. I just had to reply because wow, you have so much on your plate but you really seem to have your act together. I can't even imagine how trying times have been for you and now dealing with this. Have you had a true heart to heart talk with her... maybe the two of you need to go out...away from the other girls.... have some time alone.. let her know your feelings, let her know where she is headed, ask her what she would do if she were you, be open about sex and birth control... I'm not saying this will solve anything but it sounds like she is in dire need of attention and right now, she is seeking that from a 20 year old loser. I'm not sure how long ago your hubby/their father passed but perhaps this is a part of her grieving process, no matter how out of line it is. Rather than paying for counseling, etc...what about a support group for kids who have lost their parents? Maybe a group setting would work better for her. Unfortunately you have to be the strong one here and for that, I am sorry because surely you are grieving too. I truly wish i could hug you right now and make it all better. I really don't think you are doing anything wrong and I don't think their dad would be disappointed in you...perhaps disapointed in her for her behavior but stay strong and know we are all here to support you!

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