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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Stoner brother, enabling mother, what do??

Posted by on May. 3, 2014 at 3:49 PM
  • 8 Replies
Hello. I am a 20-year-old woman who is very concerned about her almost-17 year old brother and who is particularly annoyed with her mother (parents are divorced and dad lives in the next state).

My brother is practically a high-school-dropout. He won't go to school because he stays up until the wee hours smoking pot and playing xbox, and sleeps in until 4 in the afternoon. Instead of oh, say, tossing his room for pot-smoking paraphernalia, taking away his xbox, and actually being INVOLVED in his schooling, my mom basically pulled him out of school and enrolled him in some "Online Virtual Academy" BS which he is failing at. Miserably. For (you guessed it) missing "classes" and not handing in work! Last I checked, his semester GPA (not his actual GPA, but it wouldn't be surprising if it was, considering he's missed most of the last 3 years of school) is 0.6. Ugh

My mom is also very "trusting" to say the least. If she asks my brother if he got his schoolwork done and he says "yeah" she'll believe him. She also continues to finance his pot smoking habit. My brother will say "I need money for Taco Bell/Burger King/a movie" and she'll fork over the money, stupidly believing him. We have had to change our garage door code more than once because of his scumbag friends.

In short, my mother is just too soft and lax as a parent. She's more eager to be his friend rather than his parent. One of the reasons I think she refuses to discipline him is because of the time he had a (thankfully ex-)girlfriend over who had run away from home, resulting in the police coming to our door. Mom decided to punish my brother for this by taking the door off of his basement bedroom. He retaliated by taking moms bedroom door off. 2 weeks later BOTH doors are back.

I don't know what to do. I want to help my brother become a successful human being; but then again "I'm not the parent". Well shes not really doing anything either.

Advice?? Other than calling the police (because mom would just bail him out; placing financial burden on the family)

Oh, and we live in MN if that helps
by on May. 3, 2014 at 3:49 PM
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Replies (1-8):
WorriedSis93
by New Member on May. 3, 2014 at 4:16 PM
Other things I should probably mention:
-Both me and mom KNOW he's smoking pot. He doesn't even bother to hide it anymore. Just last weekend we found a small pile of it on his tv table. She told my brother to get rid if it and he did (by smoking it. I could smell it from the vents)

-we've TRIED time and time again to talk to him, but we get these responses:
"I dunno" "Go away" "Leemee alone" *sulk*
We've even tried taking him to a therapist, who got more if the same. He refuses to really talk with anyone.

-he has a surprisingly active social life considering that he hardly if ever leaves the house.

-he's been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD as well as some kind of math dyslexia.

-he's been to court a number of times regarding truancy issues.
reverse
by New Member on May. 3, 2014 at 4:25 PM
Well it sounds like to me your mom is a lazy parent and its easier for her to go along with your brother instead doing the hard work but she will soon discover that this method of parenting will only backfire on her and her son will be ill equip to live a healthy stable life and will be tormenting your mother every chance he gets she'll be sorry. You can pray for your brother and mother and actually the entire family and have others pray too God is Power full and so is Prayer and with persistence and faith it can work Miracles so hang in there I think a miracle just might happen for your family God Bless :-)
gdiamante
by Bronze Member on May. 3, 2014 at 5:40 PM

I'd call the cops anyway. Your mom won't learn the lesson till she's thrown in jail for neglect.

WorriedSis93
by New Member on May. 3, 2014 at 6:41 PM
I cannot do that to my mother. While I am annoyed with how she's dealing with my brother, I do not wish to see her incarcerated.

Besides, isn't neglect like, not providing shelter, food, water, clothing, medical attention or an education? He is getting an "education" but just barely.

Quoting gdiamante:

I'd call the cops anyway. Your mom won't learn the lesson till she's thrown in jail for neglect.

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on May. 3, 2014 at 7:37 PM

True. But your mother is being irresponsible. It will take something VERY serious to get this to stop. If you're not willing to take serious action, then your alternative is to move out and disengage from the situation entirely.

Quoting WorriedSis93: I cannot do that to my mother. While I am annoyed with how she's dealing with my brother, I do not wish to see her incarcerated. Besides, isn't neglect like, not providing shelter, food, water, clothing, medical attention or an education? He is getting an "education" but just barely.
Quoting gdiamante:

I'd call the cops anyway. Your mom won't learn the lesson till she's thrown in jail for neglect.


WorriedSis93
by New Member on May. 3, 2014 at 8:15 PM
Well, as much as I'd like to, I am not in a financial position where I could afford to move out on my own :(

I think I'll try contacting my brothers social worker on Monday in order to get the contact info for our family therapist (I've been nagging my mother to contact FT for a while now, but it somehow keeps "getting away from her")

Well, maybe if she made some time in between her running classes/daily jogs, after-work happy hours, wine tastings, dinner parties, dates with her boyfriend, her boyfriends kids sporting events, reality TV, and chatting with her friends on Facebook, it wouldn't >:/


Quoting gdiamante:

True. But your mother is being irresponsible. It will take something VERY serious to get this to stop. If you're not willing to take serious action, then your alternative is to move out and disengage from the situation entirely.

Quoting WorriedSis93: I cannot do that to my mother. While I am annoyed with how she's dealing with my brother, I do not wish to see her incarcerated.

Besides, isn't neglect like, not providing shelter, food, water, clothing, medical attention or an education? He is getting an "education" but just barely.

Quoting gdiamante:

I'd call the cops anyway. Your mom won't learn the lesson till she's thrown in jail for neglect.

suesues
by Silver Member on May. 4, 2014 at 9:46 AM

you got to talk to other relatives what about dad and start saving so you can move out Are there any other minors involved call child services 

butzi
by Member on May. 8, 2014 at 10:11 AM
Dear 20 year old young woman, this is not your problem. You need to get your life together so that you ARE in a position financially, to be on your own ASAP. I know that you care about your mom and your brother, but you can not control the choices they make or force them to make better ones. Here is what I know: you are setting yourself up for a life of crazy if you try to control everyone else's stupid stuff.
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