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Advice Needed: Have you ever had to throw your 18 year old...

Posted by on Jun. 28, 2014 at 6:05 PM
  • 24 Replies

Have you ever had to throw your 18 year old son out of the house? If so can you give me any advice on how to handle it and what to expect?

My son was raised with strict rules by my husband and I. He is 18 years old, just graduated high school with a 3.2 gpa. The problem we are having is that he is now sneaking out at night to do graffiti. He is openly defying us. Since he graduated and has been doing this for more than a year I'm sure we have stopped staying up all night to make sure he abides by our rules. He is now taking advantage of us. He has no job, we have taken his phone away, he still has a computer to facebook his friends. I should probably take that as well. We have not given him any money the only money he has is from graduation enough to keep him going for a month or so. We have told him he has a month to get a job. it's coming dangerously close to that time. He's a really good kid except for the smoking pot and graffiting. Should we throw him out? this is a tough one. 

Pepperann

by on Jun. 28, 2014 at 6:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gonecrazi
by on Jun. 28, 2014 at 6:43 PM
2 moms liked this

 We had to give our son a choice to stay and follow rules or find somewhere else to live. He chose to leave, we was gone about 2 months when he saw the grass wasn't greener. He is home and the problems have been a minimum.

chell77
by Member on Jun. 28, 2014 at 9:26 PM
1 mom liked this

I dont know but my sister was kick out at 17 becuase she was pregant but she met a guy who turn out abuser to my nephew and my sister so she got to move in again. I was kick out at 17 too. But I had place to go at my aunt and uncle who own me money. I was young when I was pregant at 18 yr and had no place to go my parent wont let me move back in so my dd father ex wife took me and we been friend for 17 yr. I finally got in low income place but I got out of my mess after my divorce and we live in apartment and my girls is 16yr and 15 yr. They going to be rules if they want to stay home and found out there is grant in my state they can get but it cover the classes and books which i want them home so they can worry about school and not worry about other thing I dont want them in big debt. They had to school and get job and take respondibilty.

pepperannrocks
by Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 10:52 AM

BUMP!

teensrmyworld
by Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 12:07 PM
3 moms liked this
Throwing anyone out is a parenting fail. Finding yourself as you find out with an open mind who your son is will be not only a challenge, but also a parenting reward. Start asking questions. Obviously this child is artistic, ask to see his work. Buy him large canvases and ask him to paint them and then hang them in your home. As for the pot, he is also obviously in pain and pot has the effect of numbing that. Ask about that pain. Try not to judge the use of the drug until you find out the true reason for using it. Your son sounds like he has spent his life pleasing you and your rules and now be needs to find and please himself. Throwing him out will only serve to convince him that you are not accepting of who he is, so if this is the case and you can only accept him as a flat image of what you decided he should be, then perhaps he should go as you are not able to move with him to a new place that is true to what he needs. There is a reason why parenting teens is tough (I have 2 18 year olds and a 16 year old). It requires us to leave our ego at the door and guide and support the development of their own unique person. If approached respectfully, this person is NEVER what you designed, but is truly the person they are meant to be. Best of luck in your journey.
ItsaJOB
by Bronze Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 9:22 PM
1 mom liked this

Tell him if he wants to remain in your home, you require that he not be using drugs and that he will have to submit to drug testing periodically.  Is he even looking for a job?  What about enrolling in art classes at a local college, perhaps?  Depending on how much he smokes, if he's a daily user, he probably doesn't give a care if he has a job or not, except that he will eventually run out of money to buy the stuff.  Try to keep him moving in a positive direction, if he is willing.

Serendipitous1
by Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 8:54 AM
1 mom liked this
Plan a meeting, set the rules, expectations and timeframe. If he is going to college - the timeframe will be shorter. He could get into a lot of trouble by doing graffiti and smoking pot. It could ruin his life. By kicking him out - you are not parenting him when he needs you most. He needs to do something constructive whether it's work, school, or volunteering. This is a tough age, but with proper guidance and reinforcement he will grow in the right direction.
gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 10:45 AM

Letting him stay as things are would be the parental fail. I don't disagree about trying to work with him, but the pot is a non-starter if it's illegal in your state.


socalgirl204
by New Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 10:46 AM
3 moms liked this


Quoting gdiamante:

Letting him stay as things are would be the parental fail. I don't disagree about trying to work with him, but the pot is a non-starter if it's illegal in your state.



Also, I'm 99.99% graffiti is illegal in all states, not sure if you misssed that part.

Quoting teensrmyworld: Throwing anyone out is a parenting fail. Finding yourself as you find out with an open mind who your son is will be not only a challenge, but also a parenting reward. Start asking questions. Obviously this child is artistic, ask to see his work. Buy him large canvases and ask him to paint them and then hang them in your home. As for the pot, he is also obviously in pain and pot has the effect of numbing that. Ask about that pain. Try not to judge the use of the drug until you find out the true reason for using it. Your son sounds like he has spent his life pleasing you and your rules and now be needs to find and please himself. Throwing him out will only serve to convince him that you are not accepting of who he is, so if this is the case and you can only accept him as a flat image of what you decided he should be, then perhaps he should go as you are not able to move with him to a new place that is true to what he needs. There is a reason why parenting teens is tough (I have 2 18 year olds and a 16 year old). It requires us to leave our ego at the door and guide and support the development of their own unique person. If approached respectfully, this person is NEVER what you designed, but is truly the person they are meant to be. Best of luck in your journey.

Unfortunately in the real world, not all our kids can be goody 2 shoes like yours and everyone grows up differently and in different environments. So next time, instead of saying it's a parenting fail for someone to have to goto drastic measures to get their child to learn how life actually is, maybe you should step back and put yourself in their shoes.


My Advice would be to:

0: Stop being a friend to your son and start being the parent. Time for the grown up bird to learn life lessons. You and your husband need to stop enabling him.

1. Remove the computer and password protect any other computer he has access to in the house for the time being. Why? How can he communicate with friends to meet up if there is no way to contact them.

2. Some kids need a reason to actually listen, however I dont see a reason for your 18yr too, warn will being kicked out give them a set time limit, say 1-3 months to get a job and pay rent to or goto full time school, or combination of both at part-time. Even if its an art major or single classes.

3. Follow through with it.


If you need help following throught, which it sounds like you most likely do, get in touch with family (keep it family only for privacy reasons) and tell them the situation what you want to do, see if they can help you enforce it.


If you dont follow through, at this point, in this specific situation, he will :

1. End up in jail.

2. Live with you until 30+

3. Get someone pregnant.

Or any combination of the above.


I hope the best of luck to you!

teensrmyworld
by Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 11:26 AM
1 mom liked this
Good lord, I sure am glad that you know exactly how this kid is going to turn out! Awful, irresponsible and hopeless. That is unless these people listen to you. If my advice was "goody two shoes" then yours is to be followed. To the letter. Obviously you have the answers.

Quoting socalgirl204:

Quoting gdiamante:

Letting him stay as things are would be the parental fail. I don't disagree about trying to work with him, but the pot is a non-starter if it's illegal in your state.


Also, I'm 99.99% graffiti is illegal in all states, not sure if you misssed that part.

Quoting teensrmyworld: Throwing anyone out is a parenting fail. Finding yourself as you find out with an open mind who your son is will be not only a challenge, but also a parenting reward. Start asking questions. Obviously this child is artistic, ask to see his work. Buy him large canvases and ask him to paint them and then hang them in your home. As for the pot, he is also obviously in pain and pot has the effect of numbing that. Ask about that pain. Try not to judge the use of the drug until you find out the true reason for using it. Your son sounds like he has spent his life pleasing you and your rules and now be needs to find and please himself. Throwing him out will only serve to convince him that you are not accepting of who he is, so if this is the case and you can only accept him as a flat image of what you decided he should be, then perhaps he should go as you are not able to move with him to a new place that is true to what he needs. There is a reason why parenting teens is tough (I have 2 18 year olds and a 16 year old). It requires us to leave our ego at the door and guide and support the development of their own unique person. If approached respectfully, this person is NEVER what you designed, but is truly the person they are meant to be. Best of luck in your journey.

Unfortunately in the real world, not all our kids can be goody 2 shoes like yours and everyone grows up differently and in different environments. So next time, instead of saying it's a parenting fail for someone to have to goto drastic measures to get their child to learn how life actually is, maybe you should step back and put yourself in their shoes.

My Advice would be to:

0: Stop being a friend to your son and start being the parent. Time for the grown up bird to learn life lessons. You and your husband need to stop enabling him.

1. Remove the computer and password protect any other computer he has access to in the house for the time being. Why? How can he communicate with friends to meet up if there is no way to contact them.

2. Some kids need a reason to actually listen, however I dont see a reason for your 18yr too, warn will being kicked out give them a set time limit, say 1-3 months to get a job and pay rent to or goto full time school, or combination of both at part-time. Even if its an art major or single classes.

3. Follow through with it.

If you need help following throught, which it sounds like you most likely do, get in touch with family (keep it family only for privacy reasons) and tell them the situation what you want to do, see if they can help you enforce it.

If you dont follow through, at this point, in this specific situation, he will :

1. End up in jail.

2. Live with you until 30+

3. Get someone pregnant.

Or any combination of the above.

I hope the best of luck to you!

cybcm
by Bronze Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 3:43 PM
I'm not sure where you're getting thst teensrmyworld's kids are "goody two shoes", she said nothing of the sort?

It's one thing to disagree with advice someone else gives, but you don't have to be silly about it.

FWIW, I don't think your advice addresses any of the OP's issues. It's really not that hard to contact someone sans computer, and it doesn't address the graffiti or drugs at all. I know "lets just take things, that will work" is a popular parenting 'method' for parents of teens, but it's frankly, lazy. It doesn't deal with a single issue, it just provides a mild inconvenience for a few days or so.

Quoting socalgirl204:

Quoting gdiamante:

Letting him stay as things are would be the parental fail. I don't disagree about trying to work with him, but the pot is a non-starter if it's illegal in your state.


Also, I'm 99.99% graffiti is illegal in all states, not sure if you misssed that part.

Quoting teensrmyworld: Throwing anyone out is a parenting fail. Finding yourself as you find out with an open mind who your son is will be not only a challenge, but also a parenting reward. Start asking questions. Obviously this child is artistic, ask to see his work. Buy him large canvases and ask him to paint them and then hang them in your home. As for the pot, he is also obviously in pain and pot has the effect of numbing that. Ask about that pain. Try not to judge the use of the drug until you find out the true reason for using it. Your son sounds like he has spent his life pleasing you and your rules and now be needs to find and please himself. Throwing him out will only serve to convince him that you are not accepting of who he is, so if this is the case and you can only accept him as a flat image of what you decided he should be, then perhaps he should go as you are not able to move with him to a new place that is true to what he needs. There is a reason why parenting teens is tough (I have 2 18 year olds and a 16 year old). It requires us to leave our ego at the door and guide and support the development of their own unique person. If approached respectfully, this person is NEVER what you designed, but is truly the person they are meant to be. Best of luck in your journey.

Unfortunately in the real world, not all our kids can be goody 2 shoes like yours and everyone grows up differently and in different environments. So next time, instead of saying it's a parenting fail for someone to have to goto drastic measures to get their child to learn how life actually is, maybe you should step back and put yourself in their shoes.

My Advice would be to:

0: Stop being a friend to your son and start being the parent. Time for the grown up bird to learn life lessons. You and your husband need to stop enabling him.

1. Remove the computer and password protect any other computer he has access to in the house for the time being. Why? How can he communicate with friends to meet up if there is no way to contact them.

2. Some kids need a reason to actually listen, however I dont see a reason for your 18yr too, warn will being kicked out give them a set time limit, say 1-3 months to get a job and pay rent to or goto full time school, or combination of both at part-time. Even if its an art major or single classes.

3. Follow through with it.

If you need help following throught, which it sounds like you most likely do, get in touch with family (keep it family only for privacy reasons) and tell them the situation what you want to do, see if they can help you enforce it.

If you dont follow through, at this point, in this specific situation, he will :

1. End up in jail.

2. Live with you until 30+

3. Get someone pregnant.

Or any combination of the above.

I hope the best of luck to you!

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