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My son's birthday is coming up and I would like to invite his girlfriend

Posted by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 1:13 PM
  • 35 Replies

My son's birthday is coming up and I would like to invite his girlfriend.  Problem is my husband does not approve of her, because of her race.  What I am worried about is that, after a few drinks, he might insult her.  I can't talk to my husband about it - he does not want anything to do with this girl, so arguments like, you might get to know her better would not work.  I don't even know how to present this to my son - if I decide to not invite her, how to explain my decision to him without hurting his feelings.  Any advice?

by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 1:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Ewa101
by Bronze Member on Jul. 1, 2014 at 1:40 PM

Thanks for the advice, but this is a family get together, so my husband not being there is not an option.

Quoting AlisonK1971:

Wow, that's tough, All I can suggest is tell your dh what you are planning and give him the option of coming up with an excuse not to be there....I'm sure your son would prefer his gf to be there. Dh shouldn't be too upset as you're giving him a way out of an uncomfortable evening.


Beachdeprived
by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 1:54 PM

That's a tough spot for you but I would have a meeting with your DH and DS and sit the two of them and let them decide how to handle it. Does your DS know that his dad hates his GF because of her race? I really would leave it up to them and let them bang it out. You are completely in the middle and it't not really fair. Ask your DS in front of your DH if he would like to invite his GF knowing how his dad feels about it?

Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jul. 1, 2014 at 2:47 PM

Wow that's tough.  Your DH is being really horrible to your son as well as to the girl.  Did you know he was a racist when you married him?

I guess my advice would be to just have your family get-together but then perhaps arrange a lunch or some other activity for your son and his close friends, and invite the GF to that.  Make sure it is away from home or during a time your DH won't be around. 

Good luck!

atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 1, 2014 at 3:19 PM

How long have they been dating?  How does your son feel about how your dh feels?  I think it is sad how your dh feels but I know some are hard to change.  What is he gonna do if this relationship gets serious?

juli84
by on Jul. 1, 2014 at 3:45 PM
Take your son and his gf out to dinner for his bday.. That's really sad that your husband is so close minded what will he do if your son marries this girl?
Ewa101
by Bronze Member on Jul. 1, 2014 at 5:04 PM

The problem is that I'm not sure what my son understands, and I don't want to put any thoughts into his head.  I know how my husband feels because he told me so many times, including the fact that he blames me for "encouraging" the relationship.  I am not "encouraging" anything; my son just told me this is his girlfriend, so I am dealing with the fact.  For the sake of everyone involved, I am hoping this will be over once they go to college, but for now such are the facts.  

I don't want to hurt my sons feelings, that's why I would want to avoid an all out fight.  

Quoting Beachdeprived:

That's a tough spot for you but I would have a meeting with your DH and DS and sit the two of them and let them decide how to handle it. Does your DS know that his dad hates his GF because of her race? I really would leave it up to them and let them bang it out. You are completely in the middle and it't not really fair. Ask your DS in front of your DH if he would like to invite his GF knowing how his dad feels about it?


Ewa101
by Bronze Member on Jul. 1, 2014 at 5:12 PM

I am not sure he is a racist.   It is true, none of his friends are of different race, but to tell the truth, few of mine are either.  I guess people like to hang out with others like them.  He has nothing against employing diverse people, and he can respect his workers no matter what  background they are.  However, he is vehemently opposed to including anyone with a different background in the family, even though he and I are from two different cultures, and two different religions (he claims we are not that different after all).  So far none of my logical arguments is getting through to him.

What you are advising is a way out of the situation.  Maybe I should follow your advice, rather than risk ruffling feathers.  The kids are going to colleges in two opposite directions, so chances are this is a short-lived relationship, anyway.


Quoting Niccalyn:

Wow that's tough.  Your DH is being really horrible to your son as well as to the girl.  Did you know he was a racist when you married him?

I guess my advice would be to just have your family get-together but then perhaps arrange a lunch or some other activity for your son and his close friends, and invite the GF to that.  Make sure it is away from home or during a time your DH won't be around. 

Good luck!


specialwingz
by Bronze Member on Jul. 1, 2014 at 5:24 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, he is racist.  Other races, religions, etc are fine as long as they don't enter into his family unit.  That is a form of racism, sorry to say.

And, it stinks you are caught in the middle.  You've received 2 really good suggestions.  1) giving him the option to bow out of the event, and 2) let dh and ds hash it out between themselves.  Personally, I think the 2nd one would be best.  They need to be aware of and settle their differences.

As for you, it might be best to remind your dh that your son will most likely have many other girlfriends before he finds the right one.  As you said, they will go to separate colleges and this is most likely to be short-lived.  However, if your son is having a relationship outside his race, it's highly likely it will happen again in the future with other girls.  That's why I lean towards them hashing it out.

Quoting Ewa101:

I am not sure he is a racist.   It is true, none of his friends are of different race, but to tell the truth, few of mine are either.  I guess people like to hang out with others like them.  He has nothing against employing diverse people, and he can respect his workers no matter what  background they are.  However, he is vehemently opposed to including anyone with a different background in the family, even though he and I are from two different cultures, and two different religions (he claims we are not that different after all).  So far none of my logical arguments is getting through to him.

What you are advising is a way out of the situation.  Maybe I should follow your advice, rather than risk ruffling feathers.  The kids are going to colleges in two opposite directions, so chances are this is a short-lived relationship, anyway.


Quoting Niccalyn:

Wow that's tough.  Your DH is being really horrible to your son as well as to the girl.  Did you know he was a racist when you married him?

I guess my advice would be to just have your family get-together but then perhaps arrange a lunch or some other activity for your son and his close friends, and invite the GF to that.  Make sure it is away from home or during a time your DH won't be around. 

Good luck!



Ewa101
by Bronze Member on Jul. 1, 2014 at 9:20 PM

I am done reasoning with him.  We just get into arguments.  

Quoting specialwingz:

Yes, he is racist.  Other races, religions, etc are fine as long as they don't enter into his family unit.  That is a form of racism, sorry to say.

And, it stinks you are caught in the middle.  You've received 2 really good suggestions.  1) giving him the option to bow out of the event, and 2) let dh and ds hash it out between themselves.  Personally, I think the 2nd one would be best.  They need to be aware of and settle their differences.

As for you, it might be best to remind your dh that your son will most likely have many other girlfriends before he finds the right one.  As you said, they will go to separate colleges and this is most likely to be short-lived.  However, if your son is having a relationship outside his race, it's highly likely it will happen again in the future with other girls.  That's why I lean towards them hashing it out.

Quoting Ewa101:

I am not sure he is a racist.   It is true, none of his friends are of different race, but to tell the truth, few of mine are either.  I guess people like to hang out with others like them.  He has nothing against employing diverse people, and he can respect his workers no matter what  background they are.  However, he is vehemently opposed to including anyone with a different background in the family, even though he and I are from two different cultures, and two different religions (he claims we are not that different after all).  So far none of my logical arguments is getting through to him.

What you are advising is a way out of the situation.  Maybe I should follow your advice, rather than risk ruffling feathers.  The kids are going to colleges in two opposite directions, so chances are this is a short-lived relationship, anyway.


Quoting Niccalyn:

Wow that's tough.  Your DH is being really horrible to your son as well as to the girl.  Did you know he was a racist when you married him?

I guess my advice would be to just have your family get-together but then perhaps arrange a lunch or some other activity for your son and his close friends, and invite the GF to that.  Make sure it is away from home or during a time your DH won't be around. 

Good luck!



suesues
by Silver Member on Jul. 2, 2014 at 6:56 AM

if this is the real thing going to have to do it sometimes maybe have a dinner in house with only the 4 of you and see how it goes be prepared to change conversation and ask her to help in kitchen if husband starts.

have your son have an exit plan and use it 

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