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To move or not to move, that is the question.

Posted by on Jul. 8, 2014 at 3:08 PM
  • 17 Replies

I'm at a loss. I have a 15 (almost 16) year old daughter who will be a junior this coming school year. She is overall a pretty good kid, she's never had anything but a 4.0 in school, she's class secretary and on the varsity cheer leading squad. She doesn't drink or smoke, she hangs out with a good group of kids and doesn't break curfew. So here's the problem. She's hateful, rude and expects everything to be her way. What's worse is that she doesn't think she's like this at all, she thinks the rest of our family is like that. I know that most of this is normal teen girl stuff but there are a few things that I don't know how to fix. First is that my husband adopted her when she was 4, we started dating right at her 2nd birthday and they instantly had a great relationship. We had another daughter when she was 3 (he wanted to adopt our oldest before our other daughter was born but her biological father wouldn't communicate with us or the court so it took a little longer), my husband has NEVER treated either daughter any differently. My oldest and my husband had a really good relationship until about 2 years ago. I know that sometimes girls will drift from their dads when they hit puberty and such, it's hard for the dads because they don't understand and it's hard for the daughters because they feel different. Anyway, she tells me that she feels that her dad doesn't love her, that they don't have anything in common and that he never talks to her, he tries, she shuts him down. Lately our big thing is that almost 5 years ago my husband got a job that's 40 min. away from home, we had always considered moving but the timing never seemed right. Well, he recently got promoted which means better pay but some longer hours. He's really pressing to move but I feel conflicted, I have no issue moving personally but I don't think it's fair to move our oldest when she only has 2 years left of school. My youngest will be going into her sophomore year after my oldest graduates so we'll have to reevaluate moving then. This has been a big argument for my husband and I, he feels that we're the parents and what we say goes, but I feel like we're messing with our daughter's future by moving now. Like I said above, she's an exceptional student, she's also enrolled in 2 college classes next year (that are free through our high school and local college, she has 1 credit from last year), plus she will have the opportunity to enroll for 2 more her senior year, she will also have a college math credit when she graduates because she's been in our school's accelerated math program since 7th grade. She's a natural introvert, she does have friends and seems pretty popular, but she's also known these kids since kindergarten, it took a lot for her to join cheer leading, it's not in her nature. I'm just worried that if we move her grades will suffer. My other daughter on the other hand is super outgoing and loves meeting new people, she's all for moving and is excited. 

We've pretty much decided to drop the issue about moving until my oldest graduates but now I feel angry at her because she acts so damn ungrateful! She could show some gratitude for the sacrifice her dad is making, he works long and hard to provide for our family, yet she still acts indifferent towards him, hateful to her sister and overall entitled, which then just makes me want to say "screw it!" and move now. If she's going to act this way regardless then why wait. Ugh, anyway, I'm so sorry about the really long post.

by on Jul. 8, 2014 at 3:08 PM
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by on Jul. 8, 2014 at 3:29 PM
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Hello! Well, boy that is a tough situation and you are completley in the middle of it. You want to appease your DH and make his life easier but you also have your DD to think about. It doesn't sound fair to you most of all.

My DD just turned 13 and I am quickly noticing changes in her attitude so perhaps it is just some teen drama with your DD as far the ungratefulness, etc. Maybe she needs to do some charity work, etc and bring her back down to earth.  And sometimes girls do tend to distance themselves from dad for awhile and then hopefully that changes but what do you do in the meantime, right? my DH and I swore we would never change schools for our DD. When my DH was little, he moved and hated it.... said it was difficult to adjust. Course if you wait 2 years for her to graduate, then your younger DD will be a junior then, is that right?so it's either move now or wait 3-4 years, right? Honestly, i would lean towards staying until they graduate. I know it sucks for your DH but 40 minutes is really not a bad commute. I live in St. Louis and for people who work downtown, 30-40 minutes is kind of the norm. If he was traveling well over a hour one way, then I could see it but it's not horrible...

Good luck!! Keep us posted.

by Member on Jul. 8, 2014 at 3:31 PM
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You just described my sons attitude perfectly!!  We haven't had the issue of moving but just everything in general. Arguing with everything we say, the other siblings are babied and get everything and he should be able tondo and say what he wants with no consequence. However, he is also a good student, has a good group of friends, and involved in youth group. I'm at loss :-( I wish I had advice for you!

by on Jul. 8, 2014 at 4:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't think that kids should be uprooted in the high school years unless its absolutely necessary or if the kid is having problems with the school.  Your DD is doing great where she is and only has 2 more years left.

A 40minute commute is not that bad, both H and I have been doing it for years.  Sounds like your H is whining.

by on Jul. 8, 2014 at 11:03 PM
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I'm kinda in the same boat. We have a 13 year old daughter, although the attitude is not always bad , it gets rough sometimes. but I feel that she has a level head and just gets crabby like most people.As for the moving we moved to our current house when she was at the end of 3rd grade, she is now going into 8th,it was hard for her to meet new friends and be accepted because all these kid had already been friends and in "groups" since kindergarten. She has now just recently built up a few "good" friends.My husband now want to move to another county which means a new school, I do NOT want to move until she is done with school because meeting new friends is hard, and changing school is just as hard since the all learn at different levels...I would just stick it out for the next few years and then move..

by Susie on Jul. 8, 2014 at 11:14 PM

We have moved many times but never when they were in HS.  My oldest was starting HS when we moved here and my youngest going into 6th grade.  They never had issues with moving because they always knew it was going to be a part of our life since they were born.  We are not military either. 

by Silver Member on Jul. 9, 2014 at 12:10 AM
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My husband's regularly done two hour commutes, to keep us in the same home and our son in the same school district. Sorry, your husband isn't going to get sympathy from this quarter.

by on Jul. 9, 2014 at 9:22 AM
1 mom liked this

I am stuck for the same reasons and we have also decided to stay put until the kids are out of school. Start busting your kids balls until her attude changes take her phone no car no spending money you are the one letting this behavior happen ! Who's the mom here put your foot down and say enough already. GOOD LUCK  

by Bronze Member on Jul. 9, 2014 at 11:05 AM
2 moms liked this

Hopefully your daughter's attitude will change when she goes to college.  Is there a chance she'll go away?  I noticed a dramatic change in my daughter's attitude when she went to college - from entitlement to straight gratitude for every little thing.  And she stayed that way!!!

Good luck with your daughter.  I would not punish her for her behaviors, as some might suggest.  In my case, I kept talking to her, not tolerating rude behaviors, but not punishing either.  And it either worked, or she grew out of it.

As far as your husband's commute, here in NYC 40 minutes is nothing.  My son commuted 1.5 hours - 2 hours to school!  My husband's commute is about 2 hours, too.
by Member on Jul. 9, 2014 at 12:52 PM

I am sorry that you are in this situation. I don't have kids yet but I can understand the issue. Have you tried talking to her at all? 

by Grumpy on Jul. 10, 2014 at 10:13 AM
1 mom liked this

 I agree with your husband on this one.  You are the parents and the children go with you.  I understand the 2 more years of high school, but that's not a breaking point to me.  We moved to another district when my oldest hit his senior year.  Everything turned out fine.

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