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HELP ME!!!

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2014 at 10:42 PM
  • 10 Replies

So I'm 27 and my 18 year old brother is asking to come and live with me (I'm in AZ and he currently lives in Alabama with my mom). I'm married with 3 kids (ds7 dd5 ds14 months). My brother is a good kid never been in any trouble or anything and DH gets a long with him well and of course the kids adore him so we are agreeing to it. He wants to finish school here. The thing is, I was the queen of sneaky and deception at 18. My mom is a pretty liberal and naive parent lol. I'm just wondering what set of rules should I have for him. I'm giving him the same curfew I had as a teenager which was home on weekdays by 9pm and 11pm on weekends. The thing is, I have no clue what punishments should be for missing curfew or any other stipulations. Help...I have no idea what I'm doing as a "parent" of an 18 year old. I thought I had a while until I needed to worry about it lol.

by on Jul. 16, 2014 at 10:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 11:34 PM

Considering he's a "good kid" you probably don't need to worry about any punishments at all. But the usual is to take away privileges.

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jul. 17, 2014 at 12:29 AM

Is he moving in as a "child" or as an "adult"?  Different rules for different situations.  Why is he wanting to move with you to finish school?  I'm assuming it's high school.  What's the circumstances of him moving?  Did he and your mom fight or something?  There are some things he should know before moving in with you, such as the rules for living with you.  Once he realizes he will have rules, he may not want to move.

suesues
by Silver Member on Jul. 17, 2014 at 8:09 AM

set rules and who will pay bill you him or your mom alot to take on 

booscomputer
by Member on Jul. 17, 2014 at 9:33 AM

Just make sure that you set out your boundaries before you agree for him to come.  Perhaps write a "contract" that you, your husband and your brother all sign.  At the very least, the rules should be that he informs you if/when he'll be there for dinner, if he will be out late or will not be coming home.  In addition, he's 18 -- who is going to pay for his food, clothes, car, car insurance, gas?  Is your mother going to pay child support?  What will his chores be?  He will be a member of your family and household and should be specific chores and a required completion time each week for those chores.  If he misses curfew ___ times then he moves back with your mother.  He is going to be a role model for your children and should act as such.  Just my opinion but it's how I'll deal with my own child when she gets to be that age.  She actually has a contract pertaining to electronics use -- violation is removal -- no warnings -- that's what the contract is for.

Dee0886
by on Jul. 17, 2014 at 11:46 AM

He just wants to move here because most of our family lives here. My dad is promising to take him on the road with him when he graduates (my dads a trucker based out of here), but the thing is my dad isn't one to keep his word so I honestly don't see that happening. My brother dropped out of school last year with just a half credit in english and a half credit in math left (no clue why, just a stupid decision)so he just wants to finish up.

I told him flat out it wouldn't be a free ride or free of any rules and he said he understood my house my rules. I told him he'd have the same curfew I had when I was his age and no friends or anything over because of the kids and he had no issues with it but said he wasn't looking to make many friends, just finish school while working part time at the local grocery store or somewhere then going with dad once he's finished. 

Quoting fantasticfour:

Is he moving in as a "child" or as an "adult"?  Different rules for different situations.  Why is he wanting to move with you to finish school?  I'm assuming it's high school.  What's the circumstances of him moving?  Did he and your mom fight or something?  There are some things he should know before moving in with you, such as the rules for living with you.  Once he realizes he will have rules, he may not want to move.


Dee0886
by on Jul. 17, 2014 at 11:52 AM

My dad is promising to take him on the road with him when he graduates (my dads a trucker based out of here), but the thing is my dad isn't one to keep his word so I honestly don't see that happening. My brother dropped out of school last year with just a half credit in english and a half credit in math left (no clue why, just a stupid decision) so he just wants to finish up.

I told him flat out it wouldn't be a free ride or free of any rules and he said he understood my house my rules. I told him he'd have the same curfew I had when I was his age which was 9pm on weeknights and 11pm weekends and no friends or anything over because of the kids and he had no issues with it and said he wasn't looking to make many friends, just finish school while working part time at the local grocery store or somewhere then going with dad once he's finished. He said he didn't want to be a burden or anything and the main reason he asked me first was because of the kids (he's their favorite and he adores them) and offered to babysit whenever and help out with whatever I needed. Like I said he's a pretty good kid and was telling me he just wants to get his life going in a better direction. He lives in rural Alabama and it's so easy to get into trouble there. He said he's noticing his friends taking a not so great turn and he's just ready to leave.

Quoting booscomputer:

Just make sure that you set out your boundaries before you agree for him to come.  Perhaps write a "contract" that you, your husband and your brother all sign.  At the very least, the rules should be that he informs you if/when he'll be there for dinner, if he will be out late or will not be coming home.  In addition, he's 18 -- who is going to pay for his food, clothes, car, car insurance, gas?  Is your mother going to pay child support?  What will his chores be?  He will be a member of your family and household and should be specific chores and a required completion time each week for those chores.  If he misses curfew ___ times then he moves back with your mother.  He is going to be a role model for your children and should act as such.  Just my opinion but it's how I'll deal with my own child when she gets to be that age.  She actually has a contract pertaining to electronics use -- violation is removal -- no warnings -- that's what the contract is for.


chattycassie
by Bronze Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 8:37 PM

 You can take phones away and time with friends. I would extend the curfew to 12 on weekends

teenkabear
by Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 7:14 PM

Considering the fact that he's 18, he can do whatever the hell he wants.

You can't take away a grown man's privileges. 

However, if he does not respect your rules, you *can* boot him out of your house.  Be sure he knows that.

Dee0886
by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 7:59 PM

That's the thing. If he's living in MY house he CAN'T do whatever the hell he wants, I don't care if he's 18 or 30, and will respect my rules. What I'm asking is what those rules should be. I don't want to be too restrictive and unreasonable, but he won't have free range either. I'm only dealing with ages 7, 5, and 14 month old so...it's a bit different lol. 

I was thinking more like home by 9pm on school days 11pm on weekends (don't want him coming in super late waking everyone up), no friends in the house (though he says he's not coming to make friends, just finished school and start working), keeping his room and the downstairs bathroom clean (that's the one he'll primarily use)...that sort of thing. Seem reasonable?

Quoting teenkabear:

Considering the fact that he's 18, he can do whatever the hell he wants.

You can't take away a grown man's privileges. 

However, if he does not respect your rules, you *can* boot him out of your house.  Be sure he knows that.


teenkabear
by Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 8:16 PM

Those sound like reasonable rules since you have a house full of young children, but again, I wouldn't present them as "rules".  I would present them as guidelines and put it like this (obviously not word for word, but these are the basics):

This is what I expect of you.  I expect these things because failure to do them would result in a negative impact on my family.  If you can't respect my household and my family, you can't stay here & you can go and find your own place which you will pay your own way for.

Setting "rules" for an 18-year-old doesn't sit well with me, and I'm sure it wouldn't sit well with an 18-year-old either.  He is an adult and should be treated like one.  Adults should know that their actions always have consequences, they shouldn't need "rules".  Making him follow rules is treating him like a child, and he's not a child anymore.

Quoting Dee0886:

That's the thing. If he's living in MY house he CAN'T do whatever the hell he wants, I don't care if he's 18 or 30, and will respect my rules. What I'm asking is what those rules should be. I don't want to be too restrictive and unreasonable, but he won't have free range either. I'm only dealing with ages 7, 5, and 14 month old so...it's a bit different lol. 

I was thinking more like home by 9pm on school days 11pm on weekends (don't want him coming in super late waking everyone up), no friends in the house (though he says he's not coming to make friends, just finished school and start working), keeping his room and the downstairs bathroom clean (that's the one he'll primarily use)...that sort of thing. Seem reasonable?

Quoting teenkabear:

Considering the fact that he's 18, he can do whatever the hell he wants.

You can't take away a grown man's privileges. 

However, if he does not respect your rules, you *can* boot him out of your house.  Be sure he knows that.


It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.

Also, a little video games never hurt.

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