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Son, a month away from 16, and GF, 18 have been lying to both sets of parents.

Posted by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 9:20 AM
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DS, 15 started dating an 18 yr. old girl, after going to her senior prom with her. We allowed him to go, under our own rules that he had to be home at midnight and  I would be picking him up. We thought that would be it, and there wouldn't be anything after that...our son has ben extremely picky and hasn't dated anyone before.

Turns out they hit it off and he wanted to go to the beach with her the next day. We had discussed this possibility and decided it would be ok. Everyone who knows this girl had said what an awesome girl she is, responsible and smart...never dated all through HS. Off to college in the fall. Many know her mom and she is on the school board in our town. Nice family.

Our son wanted to continue to date her and I began to trust them based on their behavior during prom and after. She drives and they began to go on dates maybe once a week. Went to the movies and for ice cream, she came ove here to swim and have dinner, he went to a couple of supervised grad parties, and to her house when parents were home. (discussed this with her mom and we both agreed this was the rule)

DS and I had talked about not getting too overinvolved, and maybe they were spending time too much time one on one and it might be better if they did more things out in public....we could see this was becoming more physical just by the way they looked at each other, and from a couple messages I saw on his phone. he knows I look at it from time to time, and I have been up front about that.

They have been texting non-stop and his interests had begun to be about her only.

Turns out that last week they were supposed to be going out to lunch, and when she picked him up, they went to a field nearby our house and had intercourse. He knew that when he came home that afternon he was supposed to mow the lawn, but sat in a chair and said he needed a nap. I told him that if he was mature enough to go to lunch with his gf, he needed to be mature enought to do what he was asked.

The next day (we still were unaware of the goings on) he wanted to go to the mall with her. She picked him up and apparently went back to her house and again had sex.

Still we were unaware.

Then he went to meet his buddies at the mall, and sleep over one of their houses which they do frequently, and I found out that he texted her to meet them at the mall and hang out with them. Thinking about it now, i feel that he wanted them to meet the awesome girl he was in love and having sex with, show her off.

I had a feeling something was up because he'd been secretive with the phone, so I looked at the messages and there was still enough info there to incriminate them both.

 I told him I was dissapointed that he was engaging in potentially risky behavior so fast (they've only been dating for 2 months) and hurt that he lied. I understand why he lied,  but that still doesn't make it ok.

I told him I have lost trust in him and he will need to rebuild that trust, then I texted her mom, who was surprised and felt the same way ablout the lying. Her daughter is 18, so I think she's less surprised about them having sex. She said her DD was crying uncontrollably and is so afraid they will not be able to see each again.

I have taken his phone away for an undetermined amount of time (obviously it's been abused and used for scheming) and her mom has taken away her car access except for work and will be holding her to account for every minute using it. My DH and I have decided they may see each other under supervised or public situations only. She is leaving at the end of August for college and won't return home for 3 months. Our son will be beginning his junior year. We love them both, but feel they have to have consequences for the lying...

Not sre if we are doing the right thing, but I have seen my son go from good natured to almost obsessed in 2 months.

by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 9:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 9:38 AM

If I were you and I am not. I would sit down with your son and talk. Does he work? if no them help him find a pt job for the rest of summer. One that he can maybe have even after school.  Make sure he understands the importance of using a condom every time ! You are not going to prevent them from being sexually active. Educate him as much as possible. Talk to him about respect of himself and her . let him know that its going to be extremely hard for him when she leaves and you will be there for him no matter what.  hugs mama  I would be disappointed too. He is very young to be engaging in a sex.

Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 11:57 AM
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He is young but definitely within the normal age range for boys to become very interested in sex.  I think it is good that he at least found someone he cares deeply for before engaging in this behavior.  The fact that his gf is 18 makes it difficult to control...she is legally an adult and it is difficult for her parents to dictate what she can and can't do with her own body.  If your son has not reached the age of legal consent in your state then informing her of this could be a deterrent.

If it were me, I would probably make sure he is well educated regarding birth control and STD's and make sure he has condoms and knows he has to use one EVERY time he has sex.  I wouldn't rely on my ability to control the situation by trying to ensure they are always supervised or with a group.  If they want to find a way around that, they will.  Sexual attraction is a VERY strong motivator...couple that with the fact that she is leaving soon, and you've got two kids with a one-track mind.  If you forbid them from seeing each other they will most likely find a way around that too...it's a sure-fire way to get him to start sneaking around.  He has friends who have phones they will lend him to make plans.  IMO, at this stage your primary job is to protect him, so you need to do everything in your power to make sure he doesn't become a dad at age 16.  Good luck!

dflygirl7
by Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:12 PM

He says she is on the pill, and her mom verified that. Human error is always a possibility, or deliberately not taking said bc.

He said he has used condoms, so I guess she either provided them, or he used the cash for "lunch". Of course those can break, or again human error.

I have asked him if they had the conversation about what they would do if she were to get pregnant. He said no, but said he would do everything he could to help if he were to be part of ruining someone's life that way.  I stressed that we, as parents are responsible for him and his actions to an extent until he's 18, and that he would have very little to provide to her as far as help.

He says she would do anything for him and that when she goes to college they are sure they are going to make this work out. 

I always stressed that sex is an adult activity because of the risks involved, and ideally he should be in a long term, committed relationship. I guess 2 months is what they now consider long term?

She can techically be charged with statutory rape in our state. Maybe a reminder wouldn't hurt. At least she will not be driving for a time, and we are still planning on not allowing him to drive with her at all. Her Mom is on board with this.

Ugh!!

atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:14 PM
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15 and 18 is too much of a gap to me. I would have been leary. Mine couldn't date at 15 anyway.
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8chickens
by Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 4:15 PM
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He's 16 soon and she is only 2 yrs older. Humans have sex it is a part of life. As long as they take precautions they are doing nothing wrong. Also you never know if this young woman may become your daughter in law etc.  Of course they will not discuss their sex life with parents anymore than parents discuss theirs with them.


ragdoll7777
by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 4:57 PM
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He's going to have sex regardless, he didn't feel comfortable to tell you he was thinking of having sex in the first place. Perhaps is time you changed your relationship with your son, one where he could talk to you about things, this is a great opp for you to be there for him, talk to him about sex which is and will be a big part of his life for now on.
atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 21, 2014 at 5:49 PM
15 is too young for sex. Why don't kids wait till they are older. Casual sex is just harmful. I was glad I waited till 19 with my boyfriend who became my husband. Kids have no restraint now or respect for the or bodies now. My girls were glad to wait for long term adult relationships too. Not with a high school boyfriend.
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Renihope
by Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 7:33 AM

15 is too young to hve sex. I can understand 18, but not 15.  I am the parent of a just turned 18 year old daughter whose dating a 18 year old boy (both just graduated from HS).  I am so annoyed that the boys mother (whose raising him) felt so comfortable that my daughter was on BC (a shot) that she didnt buy condoms for her son because she says he swears they are not having sex and gets angry with the mom for accusing him of that and the mom's sick of dealing with his anger. So because she knows my daughter is covered she avoids it. That really really makes me mad. I have been blunt and open with my daughter about sex and she has told me they want to have sex and I took her to the Dr to have the HEALTH talk ramications and get BC. SO here I am as a parent being responsible and my daughter is being responsible and she gets a free pass? Like my daughter should bear the brunt of this? I find this so sexist and irresponsible. Plus she was ok about having them unsupervised at her house because she didnt have to worry!!! This blew me away. The moms head is in the sand so she can have a more pleasant relationship with her son. College is around the bend and this is the time the sex will be ramped up before they say good bye. Keep an eye on your son and keep doing what your doing-your a good mom.

ItsaJOB
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 8:38 AM
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The fact that you are on the same page as her mother is great!  At 18, however, it is very difficult to control any longer as that is, of course, 'legal' age.  It doesn't mean she is using her head like an adult, however.  Once they start having sex, you aren't going to be able to stop it.  They will find a way.  That's the reality.  Every time your son tells you he's going out with his friends and they even come to pick him up, she can be telling her mom the same thing and they meet somewhere together anyway.  The statutory rape might be something to 'frighten' her with, but most likely won't stop them, either.  It is sad that kids don't realize that sex should be reserved for the one you marry, seriously.  I have told this to my dd many times, yet, I know with all the media shoving sex down the throats of our children, they see it as an activity everybody engages in.  'Natural', as another replier posted...HA.  At 15 is wayyyyyy too young.  And so is getting pregnant.  That's also what naturally happens.  There is NO form of birth control that is 100% effective.  That's about all you can do is remind them that regardless of what they decide to do, and how you feel about it, a pregnancy still can happen. 

dflygirl7
by Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 8:07 AM

We are focusing on the lying and reigning in the amount of tme he spends with her, and the driving issue. He had a bit too musch freedom in that he was initially allowed to drive alone with her, and he tlaked us into more visits than we were comfortable with. Bad idea, as now we are quite concerned that we would never really know where he is if she is driving. It is a safety issue. We hate being lied to!! (I know every teen lies to some degree)

It's obvious that he won't be happy with revamped limits, and yes they will still most likely arrange to have sex, but we certainly do not have to make it easy for them. When this relationship ends (ok, if and when) we will be thinking long and hard about age differences in the future!!


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