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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

The So-Called 'Hookup Culture'

Posted by on Jul. 22, 2014 at 2:31 PM
  • 8 Replies

This is probably going to turn into more of a rant than a question--my apologies if it gets long. DD17 has fallen into the 'Hookup' trap a few times over the last couple of years.  For her, it means getting together with a friend or relatively new acquaintance, at a party or someone's house, and making out (no sex--I know for some, sex is involved, but she hasn't gone there--at least not yet).  When I ask her 'Why?,' her explanation is that it is fun and she enjoys being free to flirt and hang out with whoever she wants without being committed to anyone. 

I've tried explaining all the dangers to her. What if this person she barely knows doesn't respect her boundaries and becomes angry when she doesn't want to go as far as he does?  Also, she has lost 3 good friends and alienated herself from others due to this behavior...and yet she continues to fall back into the pattern, typically when she breaks up with someone after being in a relationship for a few months.  She says 'You don't understand...everyone does it.' Well, just because others do it--does that necessarily make it right?  Or the right thing for YOU?  While she seems to be listening while I re-hash my long list of reasons why I think it's a bad idea (mainly that it is potentially dangerous AND shows a lack of self-respect, and if you don't respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?), she becomes stone-faced and unresponsive during the conversation.  When I ask her if she disagrees with me, she says "No."  When I ask if she has any other thoughts on the subject, she says "I don't know what to say." 

Currently, there IS a boy she is interested in beyond just a Hookup...however, he has shown little interest in her. She seemed surprised by this, but then she told me that his reputation is one of enjoying long-term relationships and not being into the 'hook up' scene.  I explained that boys talk, and there is a very good chance that he knows she DOES occasionally 'hook up' with guys...which may have caused him to eliminate her from the pool of potential girlfriends.  She didn't really respond, other than to say, "Yeah, I guess that's possible,' but she did look pretty upset.  So I'm actually hoping that maybe this will finally hit home...that 'hooking up' is a really, really bad idea, beyond just pissing off mom!

I struggle with wanting to lock her up and throw away the key, but also knowing that she will be going off to college in a year and will need to know how to navigate these waters on her own.  She has a weeknight curfew during the summer of 11pm (earlier if she is working a morning shift the next day), and a weekend night curfew of 12. During the school year she rarely goes out on school nights and when she does we generally require her to be home by 9.  She is generally a good kid...works p/t, doesn't drink or get high, gets good grades, in National Honor Society, drives her younger sisters to their activities, etc.  So it is tough to put even more limits on her since she doesn't really get into trouble, ever.  It's just this 'hooking up' thing that is bugging the daylights out of me! (And yes, I know I am fortunate that she is honest with me and admits when she has 'hooked up' with someone...I'm sure a lot of her friends' parents have absolutely no idea their precious girls have even thought about such a thing.)

I read all over the internet that this behavior is rampant at college campuses.  So...am I over-thinking this?  Is it just what kids do now and something I have to accept as the new norm?  Have any of you found the right thing to say to your teenager to discourage 'hookups'?

by on Jul. 22, 2014 at 2:31 PM
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Replies (1-8):
cybcm
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 4:01 PM
I don't think it's a new thing, we did that in the 80s too...
Serendipitous1
by Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 8:28 PM
1 mom liked this
It seems to be more common these days. My DD has mentioned hookups taking place with a few friends. She's a bit younger and has started chaperoned dating. When I caught DD & her BF making out, I took her to a adolescent gynecologist who counseled my DD on STDs - even from kissing! It really helped for her to hear this from a professional in a matter of fact manner. I highly recommend seeing a gyno for this particular talk. It's great reinforcement for what your DD has already been told. Good luck!
atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:08 AM
Mine only had relationships, not what you describe.
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GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:01 AM
1 mom liked this

Mine has only ever had relationships so I'm no use. But I would use the story of the boy not "wanting" her because he wants more than a hookup as a warning to her heart. Here's a question - does she hook up with girls as well? Most girls that are into the hookup scene hook up with both genders for "fun" and attention.

Msgme
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:29 AM
1 mom liked this

its allt he rave at my dd's hs. Apparently most of these kids won't start a relationship without a few hook ups first.  (although most of her friends are sexually active  Hooks ups are just making out) Not the case with everyone just a majority.  She got a text the other day from a boy she was sorta friends with.  It was Hey, whats up?  Wanna Hook up?   She actually found it kinda rude.

iwashere
by Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this

My DS usually does relationships. He did at one point  talk to and consider dating a girl who had a slight reputation for hookups - but ultimately he said he wanted a relationship only and didn't trust her enough to try for one.

Unfortunately, your DD may have the same rep at this point, which will impact her ability to form new relationships. But keep in mind that they are teenagers. They are feeling their way to adulthood and the issue with the boy she likes may have taught her a lesson about hookups. Good luck.

booscomputer
by Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:09 PM

My friend is a nurse.  She came to the gym one night and told us about working on a 16 year old with genital herpes in her mouth and throat.  This girl's dating life is essentially over because she had oral sex with some boy who "hooks up" with lots of girls.  Perhaps a picture of what might help your daughter re-think her ideas.  Once you have herpes, you've got it and can spread it ...

Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:16 PM

Ewww!  That's awful.  DD says she finds the idea of BJ's disgusting (they PEE out of that Mom!), so I don't think she has 'gone there' yet, but it wouldn't hurt to show her a picture to further deter her. Thanks for the info!

Quoting booscomputer:

My friend is a nurse.  She came to the gym one night and told us about working on a 16 year old with genital herpes in her mouth and throat.  This girl's dating life is essentially over because she had oral sex with some boy who "hooks up" with lots of girls.  Perhaps a picture of what might help your daughter re-think her ideas.  Once you have herpes, you've got it and can spread it ...

 

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