Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Purity rings yes or no?

Posted by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:55 AM
  • 165 Replies
1 mom liked this

My 14 year old daughter that just started high school wants to get a purity ring.  She has stated for the last 2 years that she wants to wait until she is married to have sex.  Do you think this is something I should spend a lot of money on and make it special or not? 

by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:55 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Maime13
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 11:03 AM
20 moms liked this

I have conflicting feelings about this one. The "purity movement" is not something I support. I think the focus on girls is misguided at best. I think it sets girls up for guilt and shame if they choose not to remain "pure" and I think it creates an undue focus on sex.

My daughter wouldn't even know what a purity ring was to want one, kwim? But I have to assume that this is something that isn't abnormal in your world. Since your DD wants one, I would help her to get one whether I would buy it outright, I don't know. I definitely wouldn't spend a ton of money on it. It can be special even if it's not the priciest. I also wouldn't put a ton of focus on it, because like I said, it wouldn't necessarily be a thing I'd encourage.

atlmom2
by Susie on Aug. 21, 2014 at 11:07 AM
3 moms liked this

I don't think you need them.  It is inside that makes you want to wait or not.  Mine waited till after HS with someone special which is all I asked of them.  No need for a ring.  I just didn't want them having random sex or sex with someone where they would regret later. 

booscomputer
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 11:11 AM
4 moms liked this

Since this is something that is important to her AND definitely works for you, then you should absolutely support her.  Rings don't have to be expensive to be special -- perhaps look out on the internet and see if there is a symbol that speaks to her and see if you can get it as a ring.  My daughter has a friend who is moving out of the country (Army) -- she got them matching infinity symbol rings -- diamond for her birthstone and emerald for her friend -- they were about $13 each.  BTW -- purity isn't just physical, it is intellectual/emotional as well.  While you can only get pregnant one way, there are numerous ways to get a life threatening STD ...

kellly
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 11:14 AM
1 mom liked this

I encourage watiing till married before having sex but have told her many times the choice is hers just not to take it lightly.  I would love her no matter what she decided. With that said, I too have mixed feelings because of the guilt she might feel is she did have sex but then she might glance at it and stop whatever she is doing.  My daughter is almost 15 and very head strong.  I don't see peer pressure being a huge thing but you never know. We also have pretty strict dating rules so unless she flat out lied to me and snuck off, she isn't going to be alone with her boyfriend. Movies for the first few times, I go and sit somewhere else and as I get to know the guy I will go see a different movie in the same theatre. Same with dinner, first few times we all sit together and then they can go sit somewhere else by themselves.  I think it just depends on the guy and how much I see her "change" for the guy. I know I did stupid things. lol.  I do trust her but mistakes happen and hormones can over run even the smartest girl.. Thanks for commenting :)

Quoting Maime13:

I have conflicting feelings about this one. The "purity movement" is not something I support. I think the focus on girls is misguided at best. I think it sets girls up for guilt and shame if they choose not to remain "pure" and I think it creates an undue focus on sex.

My daughter wouldn't even know what a purity ring was to want one, kwim? But I have to assume that this is something that isn't abnormal in your world. Since your DD wants one, I would help her to get one whether I would buy it outright, I don't know. I definitely wouldn't spend a ton of money on it. It can be special even if it's not the priciest. I also wouldn't put a ton of focus on it, because like I said, it wouldn't necessarily be a thing I'd encourage.


Maime13
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 11:33 AM
3 moms liked this

Here is where some of my other conflict lies. You have strict dating rules and that's cool. But eventually she isn't going to be a teenager anymore and she might not live under your roof. She might go away to college or move out and get her own place. Placing so much focus on waiting till marriage and even relying on outside factors (rules, etc)...I feel like those kinds of things make it seem like marriage is something that happens pretty early on. kwim? And part of that is cultural norms and if it's normal and expected in your world for people to get married young then the purity movement fits really nicely into that.

However, I do not want my kids getting married before they have graduated from college with their Bachelor's at the earliest. My oldest will only be 21 when he graduates college. Still WAY too young for marriage, IMO. In my mind, marriage happens no earlier than 23. 

Quoting kellly:

I encourage watiing till married before having sex but have told her many times the choice is hers just not to take it lightly.  I would love her no matter what she decided. With that said, I too have mixed feelings because of the guilt she might feel is she did have sex but then she might glance at it and stop whatever she is doing.  My daughter is almost 15 and very head strong.  I don't see peer pressure being a huge thing but you never know. We also have pretty strict dating rules so unless she flat out lied to me and snuck off, she isn't going to be alone with her boyfriend. Movies for the first few times, I go and sit somewhere else and as I get to know the guy I will go see a different movie in the same theatre. Same with dinner, first few times we all sit together and then they can go sit somewhere else by themselves.  I think it just depends on the guy and how much I see her "change" for the guy. I know I did stupid things. lol.  I do trust her but mistakes happen and hormones can over run even the smartest girl.. Thanks for commenting :)

Quoting Maime13:

I have conflicting feelings about this one. The "purity movement" is not something I support. I think the focus on girls is misguided at best. I think it sets girls up for guilt and shame if they choose not to remain "pure" and I think it creates an undue focus on sex.

My daughter wouldn't even know what a purity ring was to want one, kwim? But I have to assume that this is something that isn't abnormal in your world. Since your DD wants one, I would help her to get one whether I would buy it outright, I don't know. I definitely wouldn't spend a ton of money on it. It can be special even if it's not the priciest. I also wouldn't put a ton of focus on it, because like I said, it wouldn't necessarily be a thing I'd encourage.



kellly
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 11:49 AM
2 moms liked this

I didn't place so much focus on waiting till marriage.  I explained my reasons for it personally and from a biblical perspective.  She just agreed and is something she wants to do.  That may change who knows and if it does, I wouldn't be upset with her at all. Having such strict rules hopefully means that she can get to college without being sexually active, having a teenage pregnancy or std and will most likely focus on her education. Not all people want to go to college, I didn't and was very happy getting married at 19.  I always knew I wanted to be a sahm and wife.  My daughter is not me and wants to pursue a career maybe in archaeology or acting.  Her religious beliefs tend to sway her toward archaelogy since Christian films aren't really what Hollywood is noted for, but whatever her choices in life are they are hers to make and I'm here to support and help her achieve those goals.  She by all means does not agree with me on everything, hence the strong will.lol.  We do have tradional values in our home and I have seen my adult boys 21 and 20 sway on different things and keep some. 

Quoting Maime13:

Here is where some of my other conflict lies. You have strict dating rules and that's cool. But eventually she isn't going to be a teenager anymore and she might not live under your roof. She might go away to college or move out and get her own place. Placing so much focus on waiting till marriage and even relying on outside factors (rules, etc)...I feel like those kinds of things make it seem like marriage is something that happens pretty early on. kwim? And part of that is cultural norms and if it's normal and expected in your world for people to get married young then the purity movement fits really nicely into that.

However, I do not want my kids getting married before they have graduated from college with their Bachelor's at the earliest. My oldest will only be 21 when he graduates college. Still WAY too young for marriage, IMO. In my mind, marriage happens no earlier than 23. 

Quoting kellly:

I encourage watiing till married before having sex but have told her many times the choice is hers just not to take it lightly.  I would love her no matter what she decided. With that said, I too have mixed feelings because of the guilt she might feel is she did have sex but then she might glance at it and stop whatever she is doing.  My daughter is almost 15 and very head strong.  I don't see peer pressure being a huge thing but you never know. We also have pretty strict dating rules so unless she flat out lied to me and snuck off, she isn't going to be alone with her boyfriend. Movies for the first few times, I go and sit somewhere else and as I get to know the guy I will go see a different movie in the same theatre. Same with dinner, first few times we all sit together and then they can go sit somewhere else by themselves.  I think it just depends on the guy and how much I see her "change" for the guy. I know I did stupid things. lol.  I do trust her but mistakes happen and hormones can over run even the smartest girl.. Thanks for commenting :)

Quoting Maime13:

I have conflicting feelings about this one. The "purity movement" is not something I support. I think the focus on girls is misguided at best. I think it sets girls up for guilt and shame if they choose not to remain "pure" and I think it creates an undue focus on sex.

My daughter wouldn't even know what a purity ring was to want one, kwim? But I have to assume that this is something that isn't abnormal in your world. Since your DD wants one, I would help her to get one whether I would buy it outright, I don't know. I definitely wouldn't spend a ton of money on it. It can be special even if it's not the priciest. I also wouldn't put a ton of focus on it, because like I said, it wouldn't necessarily be a thing I'd encourage.




Sydel
by Bronze Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 2:18 PM
1 mom liked this

I am not a fan of purity rings. However if she is asking for it then by all means support her and get her something special. I wouldn't send a lot of money. I'd go up to $100. Maybe have something engraved inside about love. My daughter will be 13 in November and my dad is on a jewlery kick. He claims that he wants to shower her with diamonds and flowers so that she knows her worth and knows that she doesn't need a boyfriend to give her those things.

Sydel
by Bronze Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 2:23 PM
5 moms liked this

http://www.alternet.org/i-took-christian-virginity-pledge-child-and-it-nearly-destroyed-my-life

kellly
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 2:34 PM
1 mom liked this

Oh wow, that poor girl.  What she was told has so many flaws.  "If you have premaritial sex you will burn in hell", yes from a biblical perspective it is sinning but so is gluttony so we are all doomed.  I believe in a forgiving God and while you should try to do the best you can when you make a mistake, you ask for forgivenss and move on...no burning in hell just pick up and try again. Then she will please her husband sexually? Uhm what? We please each other when we are both in the mood.  This artilce was very disturbing.  My daughter is in high school and will be 15 in 2.5 months.  She has said herself that she wants to wait, but if she doesn't she doesn't and I don't think she will torment herself like that. I haven't raised her to think anything was dirty or nasty except not wasning your hands after you take a crap, and that is still nasty.  But she knows that her virginity is only something she can give away once and so even if she doesn't wait I don't think she will be just giving it away and being sexually active.  She is not insecure in those ways.  Her goal is to wait till marriage, so if she gives it away prior it is not going to be without thought. My cousin waithed till marriage and she has never regretted it.  I don't think it has to be looked at as a sexually controlling thing that you want to wait and it isn't demeaning or dirty if you don't.  Sex should just have something special attathced to it for a teenager or youn woman and not just be a pleasurable thing to do .

Quoting Sydel:

http://www.alternet.org/i-took-christian-virginity-pledge-child-and-it-nearly-destroyed-my-life


Maime13
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 4:07 PM
6 moms liked this

Won't he just be setting her up to expect those things from a man?  That gifts equal love?
I mean, if she bought them for herself, then she'd be learning that she doesn't need a man to buy her things. LOL   ;)

Quoting Sydel:

I am not a fan of purity rings. However if she is asking for it then by all means support her and get her something special. I wouldn't send a lot of money. I'd go up to $100. Maybe have something engraved inside about love. My daughter will be 13 in November and my dad is on a jewlery kick. He claims that he wants to shower her with diamonds and flowers so that she knows her worth and knows that she doesn't need a boyfriend to give her those things.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)