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First "love" breakup - got nasty, any advice?

Posted by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 10:03 AM
  • 15 Replies

 Dd, 15, had reconnected with a friend from gr. 4 that she hadn't seen in years b/c we switched schools. They started "dating" back in the spring. She was not supposed to have a boyfriend, but we let it slide as it was more of a friendship anyway - he had longer hair than her & she'd bring him over to play with his hair - including letting her 10yo sister help... they held hands and kissed on the cheek. She was not ready to make it any more than that. He just turned 15 a couple months ago.

However, this boy had/has no other friends it seems and poured all his energy into my dd. He bought her clothes, he wanted to see her daily - her homework suffered (or, actually, didn't get done). He needed to talk to her all the time. He would text her sister or myself if for whatever reason she stopped texting him in the middle of a conversation - she doesn't have proper phone manners - she doesn't announce when she's going to go to the bathroom, she just leaves the phone on her bed & goes. She doesn't rush back to the phone either, it wasn't that big a deal for her. He didn't think so. This annoyed her but she never told him.

She went away this summer for camp. She did a 9 day canoe trip for the LIT program. She pushed herself to limits she didn't know she had. She dealt with other teenage boys who were brutal in their own way. She realized her boyfriend was crazy (she'd known it before & we'd only had supervised visits with him. No alone time - because of her age.) Before camp even ended she decided she couldn't be with him anymore. He was too emotionally unstable for her, she didn't want that stress in her life anymore.

So when she got home from camp - and she hadn't had her phone so no contact for a month with him, he'd been texting her sis (who was also at the camp) to keep in touch with her, but she'd stayed away.  She called him that night (Saturday, this weekend just past) to tell him it was over.

He is freaking out. He's already destroyed all the furniture in his room, and then called her to tell her that his parents were mad at him for it. I have spoken with him on the phone too. I told him if he's going to act like that, she's not able to be with him at all. He needs to be stable to be in her life. She can't be worrying about him hurting himself or other things b/c he's freaking out. I won't stand for it either. "You're a nice kid, we like you, she just isn't ready for a relationship right now, and she can't be with someone who she feels guilty about when she's worried you're going to hurt yourself b/c you can't be with her. That's not fair to do to her." He said, I know, but I really don't think he does at all. It's the way he is, he "rages" as he puts it.

He's an unstable emotional mess (was before they started dating) and he's going to be worse now. I feel bad for him, he's a lonely kid with no family support - they are not lovey at all. He has no other friends - he's the dark brooding type. She was his world and now its destroyed (as far as he's concerned).

The good news is, they don't go to the same school, so she won't see him daily. She plans on having no contact for the first few weeks of school so she can get her head straight. I plan on fielding all calls from him for her at the house. I will block his number from his sis' phone so he can't text all his sorrows to her to pass on to his "ex", and burden both my dd's with his crap.

I have spoken to his parents on the phone at the beginning of their relationship and I know that they don't respect me (b/c I said my dd wasn't old enough to have a boyfriend & they think it's harmless but have no clue what their son is like). So I don't know what a phone conversation with them will be like b/c my dd just destroyed their son's world. I know we come from different worlds and I don't know how to discuss this with them without getting into a fight - I don't want/need that right now. If I have to call them, I will, but I'm not sure when is the right time to do that. After a week of non-stop calling?

Anyone ever deal with this? He's not "harrassing" her yet, he just wants to keep her on the phone to keep in touch with her as she's his only friend, but she doesn't want to. We have no problem ignoring his calls/texts. I have no problem answering his calls to tell him she can't talk. I have no problem telling him she's grounded from the phone or texting or hanging out in person to keep him away.

If he starts showing up at the house though, then there's going to be a problem.

If we try to do no contact, how long before he should get over it? I don't want this hanging over her head for months. Once school starts, I hope he'll have more to think about, but I know he devoted all his thoughts to her before this.

Anyone have any advice for broken hearts? My dd's heart is not broken, she is more annoyed than anything with him. How do I help this boy? I know it's not my job, but I feel bad for him, he'd been waiting all summer to see her again & the first time they talk she dumps him. It was harsh.

by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 10:03 AM
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Replies (1-10):
DisabledVet
by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 11:05 AM

Unless the boy gets evaluated and gets help there is nothing you can do. I'd be a bit worried at how callous your daughter is about this. It sounds as if you care more then she does. 

jewels.unicorn
by Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 11:14 AM

 It's not that she's being callous, she's upset, she's cried, but she's also felt like she's been "controlled" as his girlfriend and has hated his overbearing/neediness-ness from the start. She likes him, he's a nice kid, but he's too much emotionally for her. She can't handle having to worry about him hurting himself b/c she's not replying to his text b/c she's on the toilet. She's tried to help him and it's too much for her, she's not capable of helping him in that way. She just wants out so she can breathe and not worry that he's there inhaling her exhale. That's how smothered she feels.

Quoting DisabledVet:

Unless the boy gets evaluated and gets help there is nothing you can do. I'd be a bit worried at how callous your daughter is about this. It sounds as if you care more then she does. 

 

Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 11:31 AM
2 moms liked this

I think the best thing for him is to have no contact for as long as possible.  If she doesn't contact him for a couple of weeks and then he texts or calls and she replies, it will just get him started again on the 'What ifs' (What if it's not really over?  What if she still likes me? What if I still have a shot?).  It may be a long time before he is able to truly move on from this, to a point where they can be friends.  My DD was dumped by her first love over a year ago and she still can't talk to him or see him out somewhere unexpectedly without being upset (she's not crazy like your DD's ex, but her ex-BF tried to contact her a few times after it was over, and she found she has to avoid him altogether in order to protect her heart).  If he calls you, just gently but firmly tell him it is over and he needs to move on and find new friends.  It is harsh but unfortunately it is what he needs at this point.  If you try to sugar coat it, he will just keep hanging on.  If his attempts intensify, you may need to contact his parents so that they keep a closer eye on him...the last thing you want is him trying to hurt himself or someone else.  Good luck!

iwashere
by Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 12:25 PM
1 mom liked this

Honestly? Talk to the parents. I mean, they can't think there is nothing wrong with a boy who goes through a breakup and then smashes all his furniture, right? And if they do, well...perhaps the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree there.

In any event, if he doesn't stop, get a restraining order. If nothing else, it may show the parents that they need to get their son some help before he hurts someone.

Sydel
by Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 1:56 PM
2 moms liked this

When my BIL went through his first big break up my in-laws had a sit down with his ex and her parents. At the time I thought it was unnecessary but now I think it made more sense. It allowed them both to express how they feel. With the parents present there was no yelling or disrespect towards one another. The parents agreed there would be no contact moving forward. They stressed that the most important thing was for both of the kids to move on, heal, and learn. This boy sounds like he has other issues and needs to get evaluated.

atlmom2
by Susie on Aug. 25, 2014 at 4:25 PM

She needs no contact with him right now.  Kids don't seem to have the coping skills we had back in the day.  I have seen this more than once.  We moved on so much easier than kids today. 

mjande4
by Member on Aug. 26, 2014 at 8:52 AM

I would make it ABUNDANTLY clear in WRITING to both him and his parents that there is to be NO contact to ANY of your family members and if he does not abide, then a restraining order will follow. The kid is clearly off balance and his parents are enabling. Protect your daughters.

Msgme
by Silver Member on Aug. 26, 2014 at 10:36 AM

I've been there with my dd.  It started with them being friends in 8th grade. They were in the same school.  He had serious depression issues. I put the breaks on when she was lying about taling to him and i found out he was telling her he would hurt himself if she didnt find away to talk to him.  Things progressivly got worse. He showed up one time with her name carved in his arm.  He would leave scary ass notes for her to find.  When she started High school i found out he was meeting her at the train station.  He would hide outside to spy on her. I couldnt prove it but i'm really sure he was breaking into my house. Her bedroom window has the fire escape and he was getting in. She would come home to find things like his brand of gum sitting on her bed. clothing garments would disapear off of her bed. It actually got really creepy and scary.  Poilce were involved altho I've never been able to prove he broke the law.  His parents are horrible people.  Every now and again he lets her know he's still around.

jewels.unicorn
by Member on Aug. 26, 2014 at 10:46 AM

 

Wow, that's scary! I'm sorry you had to go through that too. It's not fun. I hope this one doesn't get that bad, but I can see it getting close...

 He's already making plans to continue walking her home from the bus daily afterschool. She's already said no a few times. He then texted me last night to tell me he made her a song and once she's had some time to cool off, he's excited to show it to her. I told him, it's not a good idea, she needs to be left alone, he needs to mend his heart and move on too but he just doesn't want to believe it's over. It's sad, he's a loner, she was his world, he waited all summer for her to come back and see him and then poof, it was over. His parents aren't supportive, they are blaming it on dh & I forcing her to break it off. He thinks he can convince her otherwise, to go against us, but it's not us he's got to fight, it's her. She made the choice, not us.

She's being strong and at least right now she doesn't have a working phone so he has to text her sister or myself, so we are trying to help protect her and keep the contact to zero.

I'm hoping once school starts, he will make a new friend and move on, I know she's going to do her best to do that.

Quoting Msgme:

I've been there with my dd.  It started with them being friends in 8th grade. They were in the same school.  He had serious depression issues. I put the breaks on when she was lying about taling to him and i found out he was telling her he would hurt himself if she didnt find away to talk to him.  Things progressivly got worse. He showed up one time with her name carved in his arm.  He would leave scary ass notes for her to find.  When she started High school i found out he was meeting her at the train station.  He would hide outside to spy on her. I couldnt prove it but i'm really sure he was breaking into my house. Her bedroom window has the fire escape and he was getting in. She would come home to find things like his brand of gum sitting on her bed. clothing garments would disapear off of her bed. It actually got really creepy and scary.  Poilce were involved altho I've never been able to prove he broke the law.  His parents are horrible people.  Every now and again he lets her know he's still around.

 

Momsalawyer
by Member on Aug. 27, 2014 at 12:52 AM
1 mom liked this

I have three adult children and a 14  year old boy.  I have not faced this situation but I am also a family law attorney.   You really can't ignore the emotional instability of this boy.  Write to the family NOW and insist on no contact....you simply don't know what this boy will do.  I'm sorry but this has danger written in big red letters all over it--emotionally unstable broken hearted overreacting kid, you continuing to be nice and parents in denial at his end.  I don't want to be dramatic but this is the stuff that murder/suicides are made of. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER NOW!

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