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What would you have done?

Posted by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 6:47 PM
  • 13 Replies

My 16 yo dd exchanged Christmas gifts with a friend the past 2 years. This girl gets pretty elaborate gifts for my daughter (around $30) this year. Last year it was around $27. Last year we bought the gift but told our dd that we wouldn't be doing that again this year as she is now driving and just higher expenses. This friend bought a gift again and now we feel obligated even though we told our daughter it wouldn't be happening again this year. We don't think she told this friend or didn't tell her in time. We told out dd that she would have to take money out of her own fund and buy the gift now since this happened. Is this fair? Would you have done the same or how would you have handled this matter?

by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 6:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Roo1234
by Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 6:51 PM
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Our daughter makes gifts for her friends. They love and appreciate them and often show them off to others.

Your daughter is old enough to figure this social dilemma out on her own.
lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 7:09 PM

At 16 DD should be paying for the gifts .

gdiamante
by Silver Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 7:37 PM
1 mom liked this

You're 100% in the right. Part of growing up is learning how to manage these things on your own. The only thing I wouldn't have done was get in the middle of this custom between your daughter and her friend. Let HER be the one to decide what she can and cannot do with her money; she gets nothing extra from you.

calsmom62
by Bronze Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 7:40 PM
She should be handling friends' gifts on her own at her age .. how is she paying for her gas, etc. does she have a job or do you provide an allowance?
ame4c
by Bronze Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:53 PM
This is your daughters problem to fix not yours. How is she going to learn if you fix everything for her? Do you really want her learning this lesson when she is older and it's even more awkward?
annie2244
by on Dec. 29, 2014 at 12:34 AM

You did what you needed to do by telling your DD in advance that you weren't going to be funding the gift this year. What you might have done in addition, is help her figure out what she wanted to do about it - does she want to tell the girl to prevent a big gift from coming her way, and if yes, work with her to figure out a way to say it that she feels comfortable saying it, and if she doesn't feel comfortable saying anything, walking her through the other options, as in doing extra chores to earn money or taking money out of her savings account.  It's an awkward situation for anyone, I agree the 16 yr old should deal with it, but she could have used some conversation with you to help guide her though it.

But - hindsight's always great for that kind of 'should've' thinking. It's not too late to help her out with ideas and options now. What if you walked her thourgh her options. She could get together with the girl and hand her back the gift and say she really can't accept it, even though it was lovely of her to have gotten it for her, because she's not in a position to be giving gifts of that amount to her friends, and she'd feel awkward accepting it when she's not able to reciprocate, but she'd love to celebrate christmas by going to the movies together, or making cookies together. 

 Or, she can use her time before school starts up again to apply for a bunch of jobs, so she can find a part time, 8 or so hours a week job (she's 16, a part time job is a good idea anyway), and use part of her first paycheck to buy a belated christmas present.

But struggling to match a present, in a relationship that it isn't necessary or comfortable to be having presents of this magnitude, is not the right lesson. This type of situation might easily come up again later in life, it's better she learn to deal with it straight up. By just telling the girl she's not in a position to reciprocate at that level, and having unequal presents is uncomfortable, and she really values her friendship. and appreciates the thought that went into the gift, but she can't accept it, and can they walk over to Starbucks and have a mochalatte and just talk and have a good time instead.

sahlady
by Gold Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 1:08 PM

My daughter exchanges gifts with another girl (they are 13/14) and we tend to be the one who spends more money.  This year my daughter picked out something she knew the girl would like/wanted but would never get from her mom. (a headband from lulu lemon).  The other girl gave her a home made photo album made on construction paper tied with yarn.  The album must have been about 10-12 pages long with a photo of the girls on each page and the rest of the page FILLED with inside jokes, memories, and just really sweet things.  My daughter love love love love loved that album.  We all did!  Honestly it was much more work and thought than the head band.  TRUE friends dont care about the price tag..... they care about the thought that went into it.

cat4458
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 1:15 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

At 16 DD should be paying for the gifts .

She is paying for it with her own money. $33 of her money.

katydon
by Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 1:21 PM

I don't see why you should pay for the gift. It is for her friend. And her friend went out of her way to get her a gift. Its only right for your DD to buy her a gift as well with her own money.

cat4458
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 1:23 PM

That is so... cool what a good thoughtout gift she gave your daughter and for you daughter to think it was neat is a plus. I don't know what happens at 16 but something did as this girl gave 3 (that we know of) expensive hats (game hats). They are wealthy we are not but can afford it but if we want to spend our money that way.Our daughter had to pay for the hat herself to give her friend. Our daughter gave a $20 gift last year and $33 this year. I said to her "what about your other friends?"











Quoting sahlady:

My daughter exchanges gifts with another girl (they are 13/14) and we tend to be the one who spends more money.  This year my daughter picked out something she knew the girl would like/wanted but would never get from her mom. (a headband from lulu lemon).  The other girl gave her a home made photo album made on construction paper tied with yarn.  The album must have been about 10-12 pages long with a photo of the girls on each page and the rest of the page FILLED with inside jokes, memories, and just really sweet things.  My daughter love love love love loved that album.  We all did!  Honestly it was much more work and thought than the head band.  TRUE friends dont care about the price tag..... they care about the thought that went into it.


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