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Mean SD Teen to my DD

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:49 AM
  • 6 Replies
So I have a teen SD of 14 years of age that is pretty mean spiteful and blames things on my 4 year old toddler. Example: she throws and breaks her things of hers on purpose or closes the door and shuts off the lights while my LO is in a time out just to be extra mean?? I see her do these things and she's doesn't know that I see her and then she lies about it. Independently between the step daughter and I we have a good relationship. I try to include her in most all things I do so she doesn't feel left out or have much to be resentful for. She confides in me and can be sweet some times but have found for the most part she is kind of spoiled and ungreatful mouthing off to her father a lot. She really knows how to work her daddy by the way! Her father spent over a hundred dollars for her on her birthday and all she could do was complain about everything she got. Then when I said you know it really hurt your dads feelings that you acted that way she started having a major tantrum hysterically crying saying it was our fault because we left her at home when we went to go birthday shopping for her. I try not to get too involved in anything but I'm at the point where I feel like she needs to experience some things that will make her appreciate what she has and to be compassionate/empathetic. I don't know what to do-my little step sister was wonderful and we had a good relationship, I was always trying to protect her and took her everywhere with me so I don't understand why my SD behaves this way. Any suggestions would be helpful thanks
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:49 AM
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by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 1:27 PM

Look, I don't have a teen girl or a step daughter. So I can be wrong about everything I'm about to say.

I think she's jealous, moody, upset. In short a typical teenager with a much younger half sibling who is having trouble adjusting to the fact that her dad married someone else and had another child. Family counseling would be awesome for all of you, so that she discovers how to properly control her feelings over what is going on with her life.

by Group Admin on Feb. 19, 2015 at 3:21 PM

I sometimes catch my 13 year old being mean to her little sister. That's not really advice. Just letting you know you're not alone.

by on Feb. 19, 2015 at 7:01 PM

I agree with Iwashere.  Counseling. But I wouldn't advise family counseling. I think the 14 yr old will find that to be 3 grownups ganging up on her, and she'll soon refuse to go, which would make total sense.

I'd advise a counselor just for her, to talk out how things are going. The parent(s) who bring her to therapy are invited into the last 15 min of the hour, if that's what the 14 yr old wants. Within probably 4-6 sessions, she'll likely not need weekly sessions, maybe every other week for a while, then once a month then only when stuff flares up.

The parents have their own counselor, to work out how to consistently, calmly parent together, both taking appropriate responsibility for their part in making things better. A couple weeks in a row, then once a month, then when they find they are not both taking responsibility to make things better, or not working as a team.

by Silver Member on Feb. 22, 2015 at 11:03 AM

Is Dad aware of how she's treating the 4 year old? Because that would not fly here. Yeah, counseling is needed here, but so are consequences. You break something of your sister's? Then you're losing something for a week. 

If you have not let stepdaughter know that her behavior is unacceptable, she'll keep on doing it. And someday she's going to hurt your daugher, probably unintentionally but this stuff tends to escalate. You need to let your SD know you know the sscore, that things are changing effective NOW.

by on Mar. 18, 2015 at 4:49 PM

thanks for the replies. I did end up having to tell her that we don't treat our family members this way and that its unacceptable.  Which she did not like. Drives me nuts that her father doesn't ever interject or scold her in fear of repercussions (she acts out and he doesn't know what to do with her he says).  I tried to explain to her father that if she has no consequences she will keep doing it but he doesn't seem to do anything still because he is 'scared' of her. So basically he is enabling her and re-inforcing bad behavior but when I try to explain that to him its like hearing crickets... I get so annoyed with it, especially since he will try to lecture me about my 4 year old but he wont act on his short commings with his kid.

Anyway, since I posted this she refused to go to counseling, her dad did nothing to help the situation and she  ended up conspiring with her mother who sent her a plane ticket home and she never came back. Que sera I supoose. She told me she would be homeschooled for the remainder of the year- both parents there work full time so she will be at home alone 10 hours a day at least so I don't see how this is going to be beneficial for her.

She literally just flew out last night so things have been weird adjusting thus far since its all fresh. Thanks again for the responses :) 

by Silver Member on Mar. 18, 2015 at 5:57 PM
I see that she has already left.

I was going to suggest that you take her to volunteer at a homeless shelter and/or food pantry to get an idea of how good she has it. Amazing what a different view of life can do to change the attitude.
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