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tired of being stuck in the middle!

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 6:31 PM
  • 13 Replies
My 17 year old DD is snippy, rude and makes very smart alec comments to my husband (not her father) I know a lot of it is her age, however I get put in the middle and I am tired of it. I can see both sides,she can be just down right rude and sometimes my DH has very unrealistic expectations of a teen. He would like her to be polite greatful and respectful, not going to happen. when I remind him of what he was like at her age (he was a horrible kid, ran away, arrested etc.... thankfully he grew out if that phase) he thinks I am just making excuses for her. When I approach her to discuss her actions I get nothing, she just stares at me blankly. I've approached seeking therapy with her, but I have a feeling she will just shut down on me...... help! I'm Silently screaming to myself!
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 6:31 PM
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by Susie on Feb. 18, 2015 at 6:40 PM
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She should be respectful.  Just because she is a teen doesn't give her the right to be disrespectful.   She needs to be called out.  Maybe family counseling.  Even if she says nothing she will be listening and taking in things.  Shes almost an adult now. 

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 6:53 PM

This had to have begun long before she was 17. It is obvious she does not care for him but thats no reason to be rude. He has to realize she is her own person and his will is not hers. There is little you can do, she will not see anyone unless she wants to for herself. That does not mean youself and he could not see someone on how to better deal with this.

by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:57 PM
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 You need to kick her ass!

Regardless if she sees your DH as Dad, she should not be allowed to be rude to ANY adult. Even aan adultl hersself, it is not acceptable to be rude jst for spite. I would be so far up her ass!

DH has unrealistic expectations- I disagree. yes, teens are hormonal, it doesn't give them liense to be an ass. He was a rebellious teen and learned his lesson so he can expect that your DD needs to learn a lesson too.

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:58 PM

ALL teens, including ones born of and raised by both parents, are going to have moments of being snippy, rude and smart alecy.  It's just that birth parents tend to love their children enough to accept this as part of the teen package, as long as the kids are not filthy rude, or cursing the parents out.  I really think the whole family needs counseling.  There may be more than you realize behind your daughter's treatment of her step father, and your husband needs to learn how to parent a teen.  PS: it sounds like he is over-reacting, and needs someone OTHER than you to tell him this.  Ergo, counseling 

by Bronze Member on Feb. 19, 2015 at 9:05 AM

I agree with the counseling idea.  Even if not all the members of the family participate (although this would be preferable), therapy might help.  Also, I would remove myself from the conflict between my husband and my daughter, and let them work it out themselves (maybe I would preclude this with a warning, that I have had enough of being in the middle, and they have to find solution themselves).  Maybe both of them want you on their side, and by engaging you in the conflicts, get what they want.  If my daughter were rude to me, I would just tell her, I don't tolerate rudeness, and she can talk to me again when she is ready to have a normal conversation.  If you set rules and follow them through, she will most likely grow out of this stage.

by on Feb. 21, 2015 at 7:48 PM

Counseling. Look, the teenage years are hard. Its ok to get help. even if just you go or just your daughter goes to therapy, it will help. That's where you and she can get the tools to deal with this difficult time. As for the whole "shutting down" thing, I'm pretty sure therapists who deal with teenagers have seen that before and know how to break through :)

And just fyi, it does get better. Not right away. But it really does get better.

by on Feb. 22, 2015 at 2:08 PM
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Counseling. But I wouldn't remove myself from their spats, since your dh is behaving badly also. I'd say 'enough! we need rules of engagement. so - dh, you're an adult, you and I are going to sit down an write the household rules of engagement, and then we're going to have a family meeting with everyone and go thru them, no privileges until we get thru them calmly, and then they will be posted in the kitchen.'

Google 'rules for fighting fair' - they are things like - no rolling of eyes, no slamming doors, no bad language, no raised voice, no saying 'you always', only one issue per argument, you can walk away if you need to cool off but you have to name a time in the next 24 hours that you will engage again in a discussion to resolve the issue...  And have consequences for not abiding by the rules, as in you owe the person a hug and an apology and there are no privileges until you do (electronics, use of car for other than work). If it happens twice in the same day, no orivileges for the next 12 hours.

I'd also tell them - you two have to go do something fun together once a week, it doesn't have to be more than 3 hours in length, but each week, you list out 5 things they could go do, if they don't like them they can pick something else, but they have to do something together by Sunday night of each week, or they owe you dinner and dishes Monday night, and neither gets privileges till they together cook and clean up a dinner. You can go along on their outings occasionally also.

I'd basically say - the two of you are both behaving like toddlers, and it's not ok. Counseling, rules of engagement, and weekly fun time.  

by on Feb. 24, 2015 at 8:49 AM

At 17, you still have the 'control' to have her sit down with a counselor and work on this issue.  There were many times my 16 year old thought it was 'ok' to behave in a rude way.  You're right, that age group quite often does behave that way, but it doesn't excuse it.  Sitting down with my dd didn't do much good, either.  Usually, it involved the removal of a 'treasured' item (car, phone, weekend privilege).  We required our dd to go to counseling for a couple of reasons for a bit around that age, and while she didn't open up or really respond to the counselor, she still 'heard' it.  So, it might be a route to take anyway, because doing nothing will do NOTHING.

by New Member on Feb. 24, 2015 at 10:10 AM

My favorite phrase from a counselor was "Teen girls have their brains sucked out around 14 and around 17-18 it slowly returns"  lol  Took my DD a couple more years.  She was not just snotty to anyone in particular she just acted like she didnt want adults to bother her, ask her questions or breath her air.    I would address issues with her back then and if I didnt get the blank stare I got the tears.    I agree with boundaries and being respectful even during their moody years.  You get the blank stare because she has respect for you and nothing going through her head is respectful to say out loud.  Unfortunately she dont seem to have that same respect for your husband.  Which is not uncommon. I would address her alone about it and give her a option of therapy if she is interested.  (Most teens are not so they are really difficult if pushed on them)  I would give her the option of biting her tongue and showing some respect or have consequences like no phone for awhile.  The phone is a lifeline.. drastic measure for a girl her age.   Wishing you luck..

by Member on Feb. 24, 2015 at 10:46 AM

Be honest with her. Tell her she doesn't have to like him, but she does have to be respectful. You and DH are providing for her to live and she has to be respectful while she benefits from that. Don't let her see that you feel guilty or are able to bend. Take things away from her. Shut off her phone, change the wifi password, computer password, take the car away if you are providing her a car whatever it is.

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