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It's Okay To Say I Hate You

Posted by on Oct. 26, 2015 at 9:17 AM
  • 9 Replies

A friend of mine has been having a really hard time with her 13 year old. She vents on facebook daily. Almost every post is the same.

He says he hates me, he kicks things, he yelled in my face.

And all the comments are the same.

He's normal, this is normal, get used to it, you aren't doing your job right until he says he hates you,  this is what teens act like.

Is it me or this is not okay. I couldn't imagine saying this behavior is okay. And that she should just get used to it.

I'm always shocked by what other people consider normal and acceptable behavior. Versus what I do. I told dds a long time ago that words are powerful. And if they are ever feeling angry towards me I suggest they walk away before they say something they can't take back and I will do the same. So far it's worked.

Other things teens have said that other parents have brushed off. Saying shut up. No way would I ever be okay with my kid saying shut up. But just last year I had a mom come into my office and totally justify it as typical teen behavior and their way of communicating.

I hope you die. Parents have joked about their kids saying it. Or done facebook posts about it. And I'm just like WTH! I'm sorry I've seen enough Oxygen and True Crime TV to ever laugh at my kid wishing me death.


by on Oct. 26, 2015 at 9:17 AM
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Replies (1-9):
atlmom2
by Susie on Oct. 26, 2015 at 9:55 AM

No, its not ok to be disrespectful.  Its ok to think it and at times I "thought" I hated my parents.  Really never did though.  She is teaching him its ok to kick things and yell and maybe someday he will treat his wife or kids that way.  How a son treats his mother is how he will probably be like later on.  

That was one thing she told me about my Dad.  My Mom was 20 when she married my Dad and he was 24.  My grandma was dying when they met and she said she could tell how devoted and sweet my Dad and his brothers were to their Mom and many dates were spent at her bedside, she knew my Dad would be the best father and husband ever, and he was.  Sadly he died when I was 23.  Only the good die young.  

Msgme
by Gold Member on Oct. 26, 2015 at 10:02 AM

kicking and yelling in my face would never be tolerated.  Telling me they hate me not so much a big deal to me. I don't usually hear that tho. i get more like you're so mean.  \or you're the meanest. they have never wished death.  that would hit me pretty hard. i always thought boys would be tougher but my son is the most respectfull kid on the planet where as my girls can be a lil rude from time to time.  

iwashere
by on Oct. 26, 2015 at 11:26 AM

The kicking and screaming is something I would expect from a 2 year old. Seriously, a 13 year old boy should never act that way. There's a lot of frustration and hormones happening at that age, so many boys get angry easily, but you still don't act like that. Your friend needs to get that under control while she can. Because in a couple of years when he's a foot taller than she is, it might get worse.

as for "I hate you" I'm not a fan of it. But in the heat of the moment, I'm going to live with it. Killing, etc is not acceptable at all to me.

diaperstodating
by Queen25Princes on Oct. 26, 2015 at 11:32 AM
No it is not okay to be disrespectful.
cybcm
by Silver Member on Oct. 26, 2015 at 2:31 PM
No, kicking is not "normal" behaviour.
Jinx-Troublex3
by Silver Member on Oct. 27, 2015 at 10:53 AM
DS1 had issues around 14 that he didn't know how to handle. DH and I were discussing divorce and we told the kids.

He didn't throw, hit or kick but he wished himself or me dead and said I hate you a few times. He even ran away for a few hours before we tracked him down.

None of this is acceptable to me but he was crying out for help on how to deal with his emotions. After a year of therapy and a brief time (about the first 6months) with meds, we worked through it and have a good relationship.

If they are friends, and you can talk to her,.I would arrange a girls night and have a talk with her.
Sydel
by Group Admin on Oct. 27, 2015 at 10:58 AM

I have private messaged her and suggested counseling for her son. I told her that I disagree that this is normal behavior and that needs to learn how to process his feelings differently. I let her know that my dd is currently talking to someone and it has helped us both a lot.

With moving I don't know when I would have time for a girl's night. But I think it would be nice to have one in the future. Last Easter I had the most amazing talk with two other moms of teen girls whose dd's were very similar to mine.

In my town if you ask anyone if they can relate they will all deny that their children ever have outbursts, or struggles and suggest that your kid has issues or  you are doing something wrong. OR they will say everything is normal.

Quoting Jinx-Troublex3: DS1 had issues around 14 that he didn't know how to handle. DH and I were discussing divorce and we told the kids. He didn't throw, hit or kick but he wished himself or me dead and said I hate you a few times. He even ran away for a few hours before we tracked him down. None of this is acceptable to me but he was crying out for help on how to deal with his emotions. After a year of therapy and a brief time (about the first 6months) with meds, we worked through it and have a good relationship. If they are friends, and you can talk to her,.I would arrange a girls night and have a talk with her.


ejwhite_99
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2015 at 2:10 PM

IMO, never is it ok for a teenager to be disrespectful.  I have told my oldest that I don't have a problem with him expressing his feelings to me as long as he does it in a respectful way.  I reminded him that I am not one of his friends and will not tolerate the disrespect.  If he can't control his feelings then its best he not say anything at all. I don't even mind if he's mad or upset when he's saying what he says as long as he doesn't come off wrong. Sometimes in the heat of the moment honest feelings and view points will shine through and for me, that's a good way to understand how my child thinks, which will often times explain his actions.

My oldest son did tell me once years ago that he hated me in the midst of getting his butt reamed but it didn't phase me not one bit.  In fact, as crazy as it may seem, I encouraged him to hate on because I knew I had a job to do as a parent and I couldn't let his childish outburts change what I had to do. He later apologized and has not said it since.  I've gotten far more I love you's from him that more than make up for that one outburst. I think kids just like to get a rise out of us sometimes and when we don't give it to them, they realize they are fighting a loosing battle.

I think the "I hate you" is more common than not. But as for that other stuff, I think parents who say that type of disrespectful behavior is acceptable, normal or ok, just don't know any other way of dealing with it or in some instances, are just afraid of their child(ren).

booscomputer
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2015 at 3:10 PM

I agree with you -- having a child behave that way is not "normal" it is stupid.  People that allow their children to speak to them in that manner are morons -- I've seen people write the same thing here and I disagree vehemently.  My daughter can hate me under her breath all she wants and she knows it because I told her so.  But God help her if she comes out and tells me she hates me, yells in my face, tells me NO when I tell her to do something.  She knows exactly how much I do for her every single day and how quickly all of that can stop.  Also, if she told me to shut up and we weren't in some sort of joking fight, well ... I don't hit but I sure as hell can take away everything you enjoy from the life that I give you.  Just test me.  My kid is super smart -- wouldn't even think of doing any of the stuff people call "normal" here.   Now, does she occasionally hit the line with a little snottiness?  Absolutely, do I stand right at that line and push right back immediately, you betcha.  I will not be disrespected by a kid that I do everything for -- not going to happen.  Not in this lifetime.  

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