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Daughter is ditching school to hangout with boyfriend HELP!!

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 12:54 AM
  • 7 Replies

My Daugher just turned 17 and this semester of school which is her Junior year has been missing alot of school.Last week I found out she was having some call her out pretending it was I. I told her she was grounded which means less time with boyfriend. Today i get en email saying she didnt show up to school. She has experessed to me that after she turns 18 she wants to leave the school she is going now and and finish at a trade school. I really prefer her not too but she is 18 right ? she is so close to graduating. I am really disapointed in the choices she making. oh by the way her boyfriend just dropped out of school this year I really feel he plays a big part in this.How do I stir her the right direction without an argument.

by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 12:54 AM
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by Silver Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 7:00 AM

She'd be grounded in my house. She would be going from school to home (heavily supervised) and that would be all. Her phone would be traded in for a 'firefly' type phone (that can only call you/dad), and I would "hand her off" every day to a staff member at the school gates if that was possible. Hell, if it was possible, I'd take a few days off and follow her ass around school all day.

by Susie on Oct. 29, 2015 at 9:34 AM

Call the school and tell them if someone calls your dd in to please call you to confirm since she is ditching school.  

I would be very disappointed in her not wanting to graduate.  GED doesn't mean as much as a diploma and it isn't easy to pass the test actually.  

Her boyfriend sounds like a loser and no one I would want my dd dating.  I would ban him from my home.  Ask her what her life plans are and show her how much people make without some college on average? 

by Group Admin on Oct. 29, 2015 at 11:09 AM
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Hard one. I would like to say ground her and let the school know no one is allowed to call her off. BUT if she's strong willed there is  a good chance she'll get around it like she already has.

How old is the boyfriend? Does he have a job? Is he getting a GED.

I would have to sit down and have a life talk with her. I would address the fact that you pay for everything and if she plans on you continuing to do so then you guys need to find a compromise to her desire to drop out of school. I would tell her if she wants to be grown up then she needs a job. I would suggest maybe switching to online/night schooling so she can still get a diploma. I would let her know if this boyfriend is who she wants to be with she has to ask her self is he husband material. Can he provide for them? What are his goals in life? Have they discussed these things. I would also want to talk to the boyfriend about his goals in life. I just feel like there would be a lot of talks verses trying to flex strength. I believe if she can't compromise then I'd have to show her the door.

I would also make sure she's on birth control. I don't think there is a long term solution to dealing with dd. More of a take it day by day and then week by week.

by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 11:21 AM

You will never win trying to get between her and her boyfriend now. And I'm sure you are aware this would push her even more towards him and shut down any chnace you have to try to convince her of anything. Time is on her side 18 will come up very fast. That is why I agree with Sydel. Have you talked to her and found out why she dislikes the school she is at? Tell her she can begin taking tech classes now at the schools expense she is in now that will save her money.  Despite skipping out does she have the grades to pass the semester? Getting behind at her age is a big reason young adults drop out of school. She knows at 18 her senior year is up to her to attend or not.

by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 11:40 AM

You need to have a long talk with her about school. I would not talk about the boyfriend or accuse him of anything at this point. Your goal is to remove him from her life without pushing her to him...and this is going to be very, very hard.

if possible, I would do as Sydel suggests. I would get her into a night school or internet program or change schools entirely. If that isn't possible, you need to make penalties for her being out of school. Take away privileges - which you should have already done/be doing. You need to enlist the help of the school as well. Notifications for any absence need to take place immediately. You need to be firm about her schooling. 

by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 11:44 AM

Has the school talked with her, she would be considered a high risk student at this point due to he age and already considering dropping out? Talk to the school and see if they can steer her to the tech now there is no more time left as one semmester may be already wasted.

by Silver Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 7:42 PM

Welcome to our corner of the café!

What I am typing is an overlay, in addition to, and between the good suggestions that others have provided you.

Recognizing that your daughter is on the verge of being an adult and that at 17 and 18 the cake is pretty much baked, I would start by having serious conversations with your daughter. If she wants or is willing to have the BF there with her, I would say great. Keep in mind that conversations are two way discussions and NOT one way lectures.

The first is the "define the relationship" conversation that starts and concludes quickly with a few open ended questions for her to answer (and her guy also if he is in the conversation).  The questions are:  Where do you see this relationship in one year, five years, ten years, twenty years, etcetera? (Don't be surprised if the guy runs for the exit. LOL)

I agree with the others that you can NOT win an argument over the BF with your daughter, but what you can do is provide her with information that she can see for herself without your interpretation-especially if he is part of the conversation and has not headed for the exit yet.  Even naive teen girls want stability and can see the lack of it in the guy's answers without mother pointing it out.

The second is the "define your career" conversation that starts and concludes quickly with a few open ended questions for her to answer.  The questions are: Where do you see yourself (or yourselves if both are present) career wise in one year, five years, ten years, twenty years, etcetera? For the purposes of this conversation, preparation for the career schooling is part of the career discussion. A few good follow-up questions will help here, like: What is the cost and time line for that schooling?  When does it start and finish? What is your REALISTIC earnings potential in this career? Do you have any clue as to what it takes to fund your lifestyle now and what you want it to be in the future? Will those earnings fund the lifestyle you want? Etcetera.

Most teens have ZERO clue about what it takes to keep a roof over their head, food on the table, cloths on their backs, car expenses, incidentals, medical dental copays, and a few dozen other such things because they have never had to budget, earn, and pay for those things.  This is a good time to discuss those things.

A large part of the career conversation is that there is a limit in dollars and time on the "parental scholarship program" and it ends earlier if progress is not being made. No school, no money.  For hubby and me, it meant that our two daughters (who graduated high school in 2010, with enough college credits that allowed them to graduate from college in 2011) would go to local community college, local state university, and then local state law school while living at home and law school was on their dime and debt.  Hubby and I finished paying off the $15,000 debt on each their college degrees last December and the "parental scholarship program" for living expenses while in school ends in two months.   Each daughter has about $50,000 of student debt for law school.

Yes, hubby and I are very proud of the daughters and SILs, whose parents provided the same education and support for their sons, but we would be just as proud if they had gone into trades with the same zeal.  My point in this paragraph and the last paragraph is that you want to impress upon your daughter that family support is only provided for a limited amount of time, with a limited amount of money, and only so long as progress is being made towards an identifiable and quantifiable career goal.  This includes a trade school or college program.

My hair dresser and her husband with a blue collar trade earn about double what hubby and I do with college degrees, so it makes hubby and I wonder why we went to college.  LOL  Seriously, they both work long hours and I think they both graduated from high school. 

The GED is NOT as highly regarded as a regular high school diploma and does not look good on a resume and many employers subscribe to services that keep profiles on people as to public records of education, employment, criminal history, credit history, etcetera. Therefore, it is not as easy to puff your resume as it was in yesteryear, without getting caught.

The third part of the conversation would be along the lines of:  After you graduate from high school, what trade school are you interested in attending and for what trade?  Notice that, like the other posters, I am trying to keep her on track to graduate from high school because it does matter in the real world, and also trying to help her to start making plans for whatever she is going to do after high school.

When do you start trade school and work, BF (if he is in the conversation)?  This question is for her benefit because as I said above, even naive teen girls want stability and can see the lack of it in the guy's answers without mother pointing it out.

Let her, him, or them together explain how they plan to make all this work out and become successful adults. Just listen most of the time to their plan of action.  They may be clueless, but they are not stupid. The conclusions they will come to on their own are more important to them and their understanding, if they reach them on their own.  

As the other posters pointed out, she is very much at risk of not graduating because missing classes is a good way to flunk out of any school.  Therefore, as the other posters alluded to, I would get hold of the school counselor for information on where she is and what is salvageable at this point.

Even if she does drop out of high school, it is not necessarily the end of the line for her.  We have had dropouts in the circle of family and friends who got tired of washing dishes, flipping hamburgers, etcetera, who returned to community college, went on to graduate from local state university and once you have a college degree, nobody cares about high school.  Our SILs would have escaped from high school early without graduating if it had not been that our daughters wanted to be cheerleaders, which any girl who wants to be one is one in our school district. So we and the guys' parents watched the four get married, graduate high school, university, and law school together.

I would also make sure she understood this little phrase I used above, "no school, no money" for car expenses, phone, clothing, incidentals, entertainment, etcetera.  The harshness of reality is a very good teacher and motivator to see things differently.  Notice, I did not say she should move out or that you should not continue to provide room and food. Just provide the necessities and transfer the wants and extras onto her back to provide for herself.

And as others pointed out, if you think she and the boy are sexually active, highly likely or soon will be, you want to make sure she is on what is called a "reversible long term form of birth control," like the IUD, implant, or Depo Provera shots that removes as much as possible human error from the process. Many Planned Parenthoods and county health departments have state and federal grant money to provide these at highly reduced rates to teens. Hubby and I live with both couples and three fabulous toddler grandsons via our youngest daughter and SIL.  She screwed up on using the nuva ring correctly.

I hope this ramble of mine is of some help to you.

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