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What should I do? Play hardball or play along?

Posted by on Apr. 11, 2016 at 12:33 AM
  • 38 Replies

 

Poll

Question: What would you do?

Options:

Some version of Hardball

Some version of Facilitated Gap Year

Something else (please explain)


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 6

View Results

Here's the scoop:  My straight A's & wants to be college-educated, high school senior DD wants to defer college for a yr so she can play with the band she started 7 months ago that consists of her & 3 boys who are juniors in high school.

The college she wants to go to has granted the deferral for one year, scholarship stays in place, regardless which of the two options below occur, as long as she shows up to college in one year.  If she goes to college any more than that, she'll lose her scholarship at the school she really wants to go to. By going to school at all, at all other schools she would need to re-apply as a transfer student, and transfer students have almost zero chance of admittance (film school), except for one school that she'd be ok going to and we could afford without a scholarship, and has an avg student undergrad age a little older than other school (22). 

She refuses to live at home during the deferral year.

She admits she will postpone college indefinitely if the band gets some acceptable increased level of gigs (only 1 so far). My take is they aren't that good, but don't completely suck. So there's a fair chance she won't show up at the college after the deferral year, yet eventually, some number of years later, figure out she should go to college b/c the band isn't her ticket to the life she wants..

How should we respond?

Option 1: Hardball. Get to college or experience what life is like trying to make it waitressing. Stay on our phone plan and medical/dental but no other support. She might be able to get a room in a house (we'd make sure it was safe). Walk/bus to work. Band would pick her up for practice & gigs in their parent's car. Hope that she either freaks out this summer at the uncertainty of figuring out how to get set up and make it in that life, and goes to college this fall, or lives the sucky hard moderately lonely (b/c her friends are mostly gone) waitress/retail life, and goes to college the following fall.

Pro:  We aren't fostering a path that puts the degree in question. She sooner rather later realizes sheltered college life is nicer.  She can keep her scholarship and go to school in step with her peers.

Con: She may be unsafe, getting about on the bus/walking after her waitressing shift ends at 10 or 11 pm (she'll have at least some waitress shifts b/c she's finally moving up to that coveted & well tipped spot at the restaurant she busses tables at, and also might need to work another part time job, like retail) . She might get depressed, which is a really scary proposition for us. (she has had depression once in the past ). She's completely pissed at us.

Option 2: Facilitated Gap Year, that is safe, social, academic- & career- helpful. She can live in the dorm of a local college her sister goes to if she takes one class each semester. She can fill out the rest of her time with part-time internship positions in the field she wants to go into, plus waitress a bit. We'd let the 2 DDs have the spare car on campus, to use for internship/job transportation.

Pro:  She's safe that year. She's with her peers and not likely to get depressed. She's learning. We cross our fingers that she goes to college the following year.

Con: We foster a path that puts the degree & her longer term mental health in question. She doesn't find out how sucky it is to try to make it on her own, and figures it out the next year, but by then the scholarships are gone, and thus we can no longer afford the cool schools. She might still get in the one school we could afford without any scholarship, but then she'd be 2 yrs or more out of step with her peers. Going to college older than most of the other students might feel isolated and  depressed. On a more minor note,  she and her sister would use the car, even if we said don't, to have many overnights with their boyfriends across town (I know, my DD's are 18 and 20, perhaps I should let this go, but my car would be facilitating what I don't think is in their best interest. At their age, sex should be moderately difficult to arrange circumstances to have occur, IMO)

by on Apr. 11, 2016 at 12:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
gdiamante
by Silver Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 2:41 AM

Why do you assume that she'd be waitressing? Indeed, if she's playing in a band, waitressing would be the last job I'd expect her to be in, because it would conflict with gigs. Much more likely she'll work in retail. Maybe at a music store! (I dated a band guy in high school; he was already graduated and going to community college. No night jobs for him.)

Also consider that the band may not last out the summer. So all your options above and your worries may be moot by August. 

If she's got a good head on her shoulders (and from what you say, it sounds like she does), she will figure things out just fine on her own. Let her make the decisions. I don't think you respond with either of your proposed scenarios. Instead, you remember that you CAN cover her health care until she's 26, and you set up the same living rules you would no matter WHAT she does (if that means rent and she must work SOMEWHERE, that's fine... I believe in requiring that even when they are away to college). From there it's up to her.

cybcm
by Silver Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 6:11 AM
I'm all for gap years if people just need a break.
YuppyMom
by Silver Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 7:39 AM
1 mom liked this
My son Is a musician and has his own band. Deferring college is not an option. They have had ONE gig? And she wants to defer? Yeah.... No. My son is 16. His band has had at least 100 paying gigs. Still wouldn't be an option. The only option I would offer would Ge finding a College closer to home so they could still play.
crowdsourcerer
by Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 8:33 AM

Thanks so much for your input! It really helps get clearer on what to do (although I still don't know!)

She's applied to 7 film schools at great colleges. All accepted her and gave great scholarships. All but 1 we can't afford without the scholarships. She likes that 1, and she might get in there as a transfer student later, and their avg undergrad age is 22, so she would feel still like she fits there if she didn't begin for 1-3 yrs.

She's picked one in California she wants to attend. They granted her this special deferral allowing 2 classes. Every other school will consider her a transfer student if she takes any classes. And there is almost zero chance of her getting in to the film schools as a transfer student (per their admissions office), let alone get offered a scholarship, which is the only way we could afford these schools anyway. 

The local college, that will let her stay in the dorms if she takes one class, also has a film school that accepted her and gave her their top scholarship. But she thinks their film school, relative to the others, is lame. So she doesn't want to do all 4 yrs here, and if she does any classes next year, she loses all options except cool special deferral california school, and the acceptable to her one in Chicago that we can afford without a scholarship. (Columbia Chicago). If she doesn't show up at deferral school in one yr, she loses that also, leaving only Columbia, and the one in town that she doesn't want a degree from.

She probably will have some waitress shifts because she's finally moving up to the coveted well tipped waitress slot. But you're right, she'd also need a part time day job, probably in retail. 

The question is - do we financially support this one-year-that-may-turn-into-more deferral of college? By financially supporting, she's safe, not going to get clinically depressed, and learning. 

We have told her that after that one year, we will always support college costs, but living costs at a pro-rated basis related to % fulltime student status.

Or do we say - you're 18 and a high school grad. Our job at this point is to promote you getting a degree as soon as possible. We don't want this one year to turn into more, so you should experience what life is like making it on your own starting when your peers are heading off to college.

gdiamante
by Silver Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 10:38 AM

Considering all you say, and considering she's looking at film school, let her do the school of hard knocks for a while. It will be good preparation for media life.

Out of curiousity, which film school in SoCal offers that program? I'm based in SoCal myself.

Quoting crowdsourcerer:

Thanks so much for your input! It really helps get clearer on what to do (although I still don't know!)

She's applied to 7 film schools at great colleges. All accepted her and gave great scholarships. All but 1 we can't afford without the scholarships. She likes that 1, and she might get in there as a transfer student later, and their avg undergrad age is 22, so she would feel still like she fits there if she didn't begin for 1-3 yrs.

She's picked one in California she wants to attend. They granted her this special deferral allowing 2 classes. Every other school will consider her a transfer student if she takes any classes. And there is almost zero chance of her getting in to the film schools as a transfer student (per their admissions office), let alone get offered a scholarship, which is the only way we could afford these schools anyway. 

The local college, that will let her stay in the dorms if she takes one class, also has a film school that accepted her and gave her their top scholarship. But she thinks their film school, relative to the others, is lame. So she doesn't want to do all 4 yrs here, and if she does any classes next year, she loses all options except cool special deferral california school, and the acceptable to her one in Chicago that we can afford without a scholarship. (Columbia Chicago). If she doesn't show up at deferral school in one yr, she loses that also, leaving only Columbia, and the one in town that she doesn't want a degree from.

She probably will have some waitress shifts because she's finally moving up to the coveted well tipped waitress slot. But you're right, she'd also need a part time day job, probably in retail. 

The question is - do we financially support this one-year-that-may-turn-into-more deferral of college? By financially supporting, she's safe, not going to get clinically depressed, and learning. 

We have told her that after that one year, we will always support college costs, but living costs at a pro-rated basis related to % fulltime student status.

Or do we say - you're 18 and a high school grad. Our job at this point is to promote you getting a degree as soon as possible. We don't want this one year to turn into more, so you should experience what life is like making it on your own starting when your peers are heading off to college.


Sydel
by Group Admin on Apr. 11, 2016 at 10:51 AM

Mixed feelings. I'm open to a gap year especially if she's already been granted deferral and her scholarship stays in place. However the reason behind it is not my cup of tea.

Defering for a band that's only had one gig with other high schoolers is not ideal. Unless they have a record contract in place I would not be comfortable saying that that is a good reason.

But if the issue was she wasn't sure what she wanted to do in life or felt overwhelmed I would be more open. We are discussing sending dd overseas for a month after graduation as oppose to a gap year.

I guess just make sure it's somethign she wants for herself and not to accomodate and please others. At the end of the day it's her life and she will be the one who has to live with her choices.

chicken13
by Silver Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 10:53 AM

I'm not a fan of gap years.  It's hard to get on a moving train.  

That said....if she feels that you are forcing her to go to college when she doesn't want to....will she put in the effort to get good grades?  or 1/2 ass it?  Only you know what your kid is like....and which way that will go.

Personally....I'd tell my dd that we would not be supporting her financially, or paying the difference when she loses the scholarship.  (health insurance of course)

baffin
by on Apr. 11, 2016 at 3:38 PM

She's your daughter and you, obviously love her and want the best for her. She's been a straight A student through high school. Why not give her the year she wants and see how it goes. I think some of the options are pretty reasonable - taking a couple of classes and living in the dorm; but living at home seems the best choice.
That way she will still have rules and responsibilites. Maybe you can revisit the issue in say 3 months, and then again in 6 months. The most important thing is to keep honest communication open between you and her.

iwashere
by on Apr. 11, 2016 at 7:15 PM

I took a gap year. It was the best thing for me. I now look at my son, who has anxiety, a therapist and is in college. He recently came to us and and asked to take a step back. He's changed majors twice and just really doesn't know what he wants to do with his life unless it involves youtube stardom. I very honestly was of the "push his ass until he sees that college is his only option" school of hard knocks. Then my DH, who is an engineer and definately has the requisite personality and drive that go with that, said "screw it. He is him, not us. And he needs to take a break."

So we are letting him. Now, his "break" really is that he leaves his CSU and goes to a local community college. He has a year. He gets to go to school, do his youtube stuff and figure out his life. He also will have a part time job.

I would let your dd do her thing. Yes, she may lose the scholarship. That's on her. Not you. If she can't get the money together, she will have to go to a different school. There is nothing wrong with learning that the decisions you make have consequences. But if you don't let her do this, you may be setting her up to not go to school entirely.

The time to follow your dreams is when you are young. When she's older with kids and mortgage is not the time to suddenly say "I should have been in a band!" That's the time when she can say "I was in this band and it was awesome"

crowdsourcerer
by Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 7:51 PM

Occidental, Cal Lutheran, Loyola Marymount and Chapman. Even though Chapman is supposed to be harder to get into, she really liked what she saw at Loyola, so that's where she wants to go. She didn't apply to USC or UCLA, whether it was smart or stupid, we were just focusing on the smaller schools.

Quoting gdiamante:

Considering all you say, and considering she's looking at film school, let her do the school of hard knocks for a while. It will be good preparation for media life.

Out of curiousity, which film school in SoCal offers that program? I'm based in SoCal myself.



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