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New and need advice!

Posted by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 9:32 AM
  • 33 Replies
Hello. I'm so happy I found this group there is noone for me to get advice from. So I'll start with saying my dd is 13. We've been trying to establish boundaries that are suitable for her age. So, can you please tell me what time you set as bestime and what chores yours are expected to do? All we ask is she do dinner dishes and we have a dishwasher so its not like its hard but she fights us daily. Bedtime we thought 10 was reasonable but she still sneaks up. Im not sure what to do. Im so tired of fighting. Help please!
by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 9:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Kimmybabe
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 11:05 AM

Welcome to our corner of the Café!

You bribe her to do chores—LOL.

When our daughters were 11 and 12, we gave each of them a chunk of money each month to budget and manage, $75 for clothing, $50 for incidentals like haircare, makeup, etcetera, $75 for school lunches, and $50 for chores around the house like keeping their bedrooms and shared bathroom clean, washing their clothes, putting towels and sheets in the laundry, putting dishes in the dish washer, mowing the lawns.  Yes I know we ripped them off—LOL. 

The money came with conditions that they not dress like strippers, hookers, homeless people and dad and I would have final veto on any major spending and could cancel the program at any time, if we found it necessary.  We never found it necessary to veto spending or cancel the program.  They also had to account for every dime so that we could be certain that none of it was going into a bong, glass pipe, nose straw, or needle. They could spend any excess however they wanted.  We were amazed at how careful they became with “their money” and how well they did. 

It also ended the “I want” discussions over gaming systems, phones, etcetera, because they had to find the money in their budget or mow lawns, which they did mow lawns, lots of lawns with their future husbands during high school and still have those mowing earnings. It also gave them life skills that will serve them well the rest of their lives.

Hubby and I live with our daughters and SILs, all 23 and 24 now, in a three generation household with three fabulous toddler grandsons.  We all enjoy it and plan to continue it, but that is a decision that each of the young couples must remain free to decide.  All four passed the bar exam last year and are working staff attorneys since last January.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not always an oncoming train—LOL.  The “parental scholarship for living expenses” does come to an end.

At 13 and 14, when the future SILs entered the picture, they hit their parents up for the same deal. Those parents were skeptical, but quickly realized it was a good deal.  When they reached driving age we kicked it up another $150 per month for car expenses and insurance.  Only one of the four drove solo before graduating from high school because in our state insurance only kicks in when you solo. They used the money to go on vacations with all three families.  We thought it was a good deal because it kept them off the roads longer. When they married we kicked it up another $200 per month for them to buy groceries and pay medical co-pays.  And hubby and I kicked in another $300 per month for them to buy our groceries.  Besides doing all the grocery shopping, they also took on all the housework and cooking as well as each working two days a week. They went to community college and local state university which hubby and I paid $15,000 in tuition and fees for each daughter’s BS Accountancy degrees.  Law school was on their dime and debt, but by working two days a week they were able to keep their student debt to $50,000 each, which is manageable.    

As for bedtime, we have always been a household where lights off was when the news went off at 10:30 PM and wakeup is around 6:30. They have always had busy schedules with school, study, work, social life, etcetera, so they like us were ready to sleep.

This worked for us and I hope this ramble of mine is some help to you.

You have so many wonderful memories ahead of you that I am jealous—LOL. Seriously, these are golden years—enjoy them.


goddess99
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 11:14 AM
Hi welcome. My dd just turned 14. She goes to bed at 9. But that just means her tablet, laptop etc are done for the day. She stays up and reads sometimes. Chores consist of cleaning the litter boxes and dog area, she empty the dishwasher when needed. She vacuums, cleans bathroom sink and mirror, keeps her room clean, washes and drys towels, sheets, etc but not clothes. She's waters the plants outside, dust some and washes the windows (inside). Sometimes she helps me cook and set the table. She doesn't get paid for any of it,shes earning screen time with it.
Kimmybabe
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 11:15 AM

PS to what I posted above:  The most effective punishment of a teen is "deprivation of privileges" and is more effective than the "cat of nine tails" (metaphorically speaking).  It is also painless for the parents, but not for the teen. And it is legal also.(There are many times that I thought, "Oh honey, this is going to hurt you, but not me.") If it's electronics that are important, take them away for a few days.   

mommy2two2015
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 11:40 AM
Thank you. We do allowance now only if she keeps up with her chores, which never happens. She is a great kid lots of memories to come just wish there weren't so many fights to be had. I wish she could see I only want the best for her and want her to be able to care for herself and her belongings. I dont want to raise a child that gets out on her own and doesnt know what to do.

Quoting Kimmybabe:



Welcome to
our corner of the Café!



You bribe
her to do chores
—LOL.



When our
daughters were 11 and 12, we gave each of them a chunk of money each month to
budget and manage, $75 for clothing, $50 for incidentals like haircare, makeup,
etcetera, $75 for school lunches, and $50 for chores around the house like
keeping their bedrooms and shared bathroom clean, washing their clothes, putting
towels and sheets in the laundry, putting dishes in the dish washer, mowing the
lawns.  Yes I know we ripped them off—LOL. 



The money
came with conditions that they not dress like strippers, hookers, homeless
people and dad and I would have final veto on any major spending and could cancel
the program at any time, if we found it necessary.  We never found it necessary to veto spending or
cancel the program.  They also had to
account for every dime so that we could be certain that none of it was going
into a bong, glass pipe, nose straw, or needle. They could spend any excess
however they wanted.  We were amazed at
how careful they became with “their money” and how well they did. 



It also
ended the “I want” discussions over gaming systems, phones, etcetera, because
they had to find the money in their budget or mow lawns, which they did mow
lawns, lots of lawns with their future husbands during high school and still
have those mowing earnings. It also gave them life skills that will serve them
well the rest of their lives.



Hubby and I live
with our daughters and SILs, all 23 and 24 now, in a three generation household
with three fabulous toddler grandsons.  We
all enjoy it and plan to continue it, but that is a decision that each of the
young couples must remain free to decide. 
All four passed the bar exam last year and are working staff attorneys
since last January.  There is light at the
end of the tunnel and it is not always an oncoming train—LOL.  The “parental scholarship for living expenses”
does come to an end.



At 13 and
14, when the future SILs entered the picture, they hit their parents up for the
same deal. Those parents were skeptical, but quickly realized it was a good
deal.  When they reached driving age we
kicked it up another $150 per month for car expenses and insurance.  Only one of the four drove solo before
graduating from high school because in our state insurance only kicks in when
you solo. They used the money to go on vacations with all three families.  We thought it was a good deal because it kept
them off the roads longer. When they married we kicked it up another $200 per
month for them to buy groceries and pay medical co-pays.  And hubby and I kicked in another $300 per
month for them to buy our groceries.  Besides
doing all the grocery shopping, they also took on all the housework and cooking
as well as each working two days a week. They went to community college and
local state university which hubby and I paid $15,000 in tuition and fees for each
daughter’s BS Accountancy degrees.  Law
school was on their dime and debt, but by working two days a week they were
able to keep their student debt to $50,000 each, which is manageable.    



As for
bedtime
, we have
always been a household where lights off was when the news went off at 10:30 PM
and wakeup is around 6:30. They have always had busy schedules with school,
study, work, social life, etcetera, so they like us were ready to sleep.



This worked
for us and I hope this ramble of mine is some help to you.



You have so
many wonderful memories ahead of you that I am jealous—LOL. Seriously,
these are golden years—enjoy them.



mommy2two2015
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 11:49 AM
Oh my goodness what a responsible little girl! I don't want to get started on her room she thinks that I should still be cleaning her room and picking up after her because that's what her friend's parents do. She's just gotten to the point where she fights about everything. She doesnt clean her room its gotten to the point where im about to go in and throw everything away. She is only responsible for dinner dishes and thats only plates as I clean while I cook. She refuses to bring her clothes out for me to wash because she doeant want me to see her bad hygiene. I am not like this at all and cant understand why she is. I just feel lost. I dont want to raise and entitled brat who heta out on her own and cant take care of herself. She hasnt gotten allowance because she doesnt keep up with her chores. I definitely think I need to take her screen time away. I just didnt know if I was actually asking her to do to much. I truly believe now I dont. Thank you so much. Today will start a change I hope. Thank you for taking time to reply, I think I've been to soft and its my fault it continues. Hopefully taking electronics away helps.

Quoting goddess99: Hi welcome. My dd just turned 14. She goes to bed at 9. But that just means her tablet, laptop etc are done for the day. She stays up and reads sometimes. Chores consist of cleaning the litter boxes and dog area, she empty the dishwasher when needed. She vacuums, cleans bathroom sink and mirror, keeps her room clean, washes and drys towels, sheets, etc but not clothes. She's waters the plants outside, dust some and washes the windows (inside). Sometimes she helps me cook and set the table. She doesn't get paid for any of it,shes earning screen time with it.
goddess99
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 12:29 PM
You're so welcome. It took a lot of time and yelling lol to get my dd to this point. We take away screens as punishment. After all the screaming on her part it really does help. Then she does the chores to earn back time and now to keep having time. Her friend who lives across the street has a housekeeper who cleans her room, I've heard all about it but that's their home not ours. Also, something that has helped a lot is she volunteers at our local animal shelter every other weekend. She Loves it! Helps her have responsibilities outside the home.

Quoting mommy2two2015: Oh my goodness what a responsible little girl! I don't want to get started on her room she thinks that I should still be cleaning her room and picking up after her because that's what her friend's parents do. She's just gotten to the point where she fights about everything. She doesnt clean her room its gotten to the point where im about to go in and throw everything away. She is only responsible for dinner dishes and thats only plates as I clean while I cook. She refuses to bring her clothes out for me to wash because she doeant want me to see her bad hygiene. I am not like this at all and cant understand why she is. I just feel lost. I dont want to raise and entitled brat who heta out on her own and cant take care of herself. She hasnt gotten allowance because she doesnt keep up with her chores. I definitely think I need to take her screen time away. I just didnt know if I was actually asking her to do to much. I truly believe now I dont. Thank you so much. Today will start a change I hope. Thank you for taking time to reply, I think I've been to soft and its my fault it continues. Hopefully taking electronics away helps.

Quoting goddess99: Hi welcome. My dd just turned 14. She goes to bed at 9. But that just means her tablet, laptop etc are done for the day. She stays up and reads sometimes. Chores consist of cleaning the litter boxes and dog area, she empty the dishwasher when needed. She vacuums, cleans bathroom sink and mirror, keeps her room clean, washes and drys towels, sheets, etc but not clothes. She's waters the plants outside, dust some and washes the windows (inside). Sometimes she helps me cook and set the table. She doesn't get paid for any of it,shes earning screen time with it.
iwashere
by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 12:32 PM
Take away electronics. If she won't take her clothes out for washing, establish one day that laundry is done and have her do it. If she can't cooperate and participate with the family, take away electronics.

You have to be consistent.
mommy2two2015
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 12:48 PM
Do you give her screen time back after ahe does her chores or after ahe shows she will continue with no fighting. I feel like she will do it to gwt it back quickly but we'll have the same argument the next day. I want to handle this properly. My mother was on the abusive side so I'm not sure. I have never spanked and timeouts dont wirk at this stage.

Quoting goddess99: You're so welcome. It took a lot of time and yelling lol to get my dd to this point. We take away screens as punishment. After all the screaming on her part it really does help. Then she does the chores to earn back time and now to keep having time. Her friend who lives across the street has a housekeeper who cleans her room, I've heard all about it but that's their home not ours. Also, something that has helped a lot is she volunteers at our local animal shelter every other weekend. She Loves it! Helps her have responsibilities outside the home.

Quoting mommy2two2015: Oh my goodness what a responsible little girl! I don't want to get started on her room she thinks that I should still be cleaning her room and picking up after her because that's what her friend's parents do. She's just gotten to the point where she fights about everything. She doesnt clean her room its gotten to the point where im about to go in and throw everything away. She is only responsible for dinner dishes and thats only plates as I clean while I cook. She refuses to bring her clothes out for me to wash because she doeant want me to see her bad hygiene. I am not like this at all and cant understand why she is. I just feel lost. I dont want to raise and entitled brat who heta out on her own and cant take care of herself. She hasnt gotten allowance because she doesnt keep up with her chores. I definitely think I need to take her screen time away. I just didnt know if I was actually asking her to do to much. I truly believe now I dont. Thank you so much. Today will start a change I hope. Thank you for taking time to reply, I think I've been to soft and its my fault it continues. Hopefully taking electronics away helps.

Quoting goddess99: Hi welcome. My dd just turned 14. She goes to bed at 9. But that just means her tablet, laptop etc are done for the day. She stays up and reads sometimes. Chores consist of cleaning the litter boxes and dog area, she empty the dishwasher when needed. She vacuums, cleans bathroom sink and mirror, keeps her room clean, washes and drys towels, sheets, etc but not clothes. She's waters the plants outside, dust some and washes the windows (inside). Sometimes she helps me cook and set the table. She doesn't get paid for any of it,shes earning screen time with it.
mommy2two2015
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 12:51 PM
That is a great idea. Im going to do that. You're so right about the consistency part. My husband tells me that im not. She gets in trouble and starts playing the im so sorry i love you mommy card and guilts me right into letting her off the hook before I said I would. Im starting to realize that im making it worse by doing that. Before I make it to where there is no fixing it.

Quoting iwashere: Take away electronics. If she won't take her clothes out for washing, establish one day that laundry is done and have her do it. If she can't cooperate and participate with the family, take away electronics.

You have to be consistent.
goddess99
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:07 PM
1 mom liked this
She losses her screens for days to weeks depending on what she's done. Then after the grounding she earns back the time. It's usually an hour of screen time per chore. But to be honest I'm not that strict on that because I forget. There's usually arguing afterwards and I get the eye rolls and ugh when I tell her to work on her chores but it's a process :) and she's doing a lot better than she used to be.

Quoting mommy2two2015: Do you give her screen time back after ahe does her chores or after ahe shows she will continue with no fighting. I feel like she will do it to gwt it back quickly but we'll have the same argument the next day. I want to handle this properly. My mother was on the abusive side so I'm not sure. I have never spanked and timeouts dont wirk at this stage.

Quoting goddess99: You're so welcome. It took a lot of time and yelling lol to get my dd to this point. We take away screens as punishment. After all the screaming on her part it really does help. Then she does the chores to earn back time and now to keep having time. Her friend who lives across the street has a housekeeper who cleans her room, I've heard all about it but that's their home not ours. Also, something that has helped a lot is she volunteers at our local animal shelter every other weekend. She Loves it! Helps her have responsibilities outside the home.

Quoting mommy2two2015: Oh my goodness what a responsible little girl! I don't want to get started on her room she thinks that I should still be cleaning her room and picking up after her because that's what her friend's parents do. She's just gotten to the point where she fights about everything. She doesnt clean her room its gotten to the point where im about to go in and throw everything away. She is only responsible for dinner dishes and thats only plates as I clean while I cook. She refuses to bring her clothes out for me to wash because she doeant want me to see her bad hygiene. I am not like this at all and cant understand why she is. I just feel lost. I dont want to raise and entitled brat who heta out on her own and cant take care of herself. She hasnt gotten allowance because she doesnt keep up with her chores. I definitely think I need to take her screen time away. I just didnt know if I was actually asking her to do to much. I truly believe now I dont. Thank you so much. Today will start a change I hope. Thank you for taking time to reply, I think I've been to soft and its my fault it continues. Hopefully taking electronics away helps.

Quoting goddess99: Hi welcome. My dd just turned 14. She goes to bed at 9. But that just means her tablet, laptop etc are done for the day. She stays up and reads sometimes. Chores consist of cleaning the litter boxes and dog area, she empty the dishwasher when needed. She vacuums, cleans bathroom sink and mirror, keeps her room clean, washes and drys towels, sheets, etc but not clothes. She's waters the plants outside, dust some and washes the windows (inside). Sometimes she helps me cook and set the table. She doesn't get paid for any of it,shes earning screen time with it.
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