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My dilemma

Posted by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:51 PM
  • 10 Replies
I really believe DD should do Community Service for her disobeying the law. But I also think that will knock her off two sport teams. I also believe she needs to see the consequences of her action can be wide reaching.
Being a junior in high school now, this also will affect her college applications.

I know that her penalty will come from the judge. She could have fines as well as Community Service or a choice of paying fines or Community Service. If she is given a choice and she has the money, she will pick paying the fine so she can do the sports. I am trying to think what will have more of an impact and reminder of the consequences of her actions when she doesn't think things through.???

She actually likes doing community service and is scheduled to volunteer at a Cancer Center. She has already completed orientation.

She also likes money in her pocket. If she has to pay, she will be bagging her lunch at least for a year.

Any thoughts? I have no idea if I am given a say other than at home she is grounded and her free time will be spent at the cancer center.
by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Ziva65
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 10:46 AM
I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should enforce both. Even if the judge decides on one, you can still enforce your own punishment. I would. Big time. Huge breach of trust, and put herself in danger, you and your assets in jeopardy.

If you have a community college nearby, I'd have her go there. Honestly if in Junior year she's made bad choices she needs to be under your direct guidance longer. College is only two years away.

As for the sports teams, maybe just one. We had a boy on our water polo team who sold drugs, he was still allowed to be on the team, practice but not play games. House restriction. It can be done. Be strict. Be present. She hasn't shown good judgement to warrant trust.she now needs to earn it back.
chicken13
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 11:26 AM

That's a tough call.....

Is she planning to play sports in college?  If she misses her junior year that will probably tank her chances of getting on a team.  

She might not have a choice of community service....around these parts you end up on the highway crew scraping roadkill off the highway or picking up trash.  No cush assignments.

iwashere
by Gold Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 11:31 AM
3 moms liked this

Perhaps I'm in the minority here, but I believe in balance when it comes to punishment. I also believe that allowing natural consequences to take place is a great option. And finally, everyone makes mistakes. Teenagers can have horrible choice making skills. Learning from her mistake is the most important thing here. You have to make sure she learns from her mistake and doesn't make it again.

so, first, the judge is going to set punishment other than what you have already done. And if you think this is the first teen who has driven a car without a license, trust me, the judge has seen others. Allow them to set the judgement.

second, you should have already punished her at home. If you haven't, do so now. Waiting to see what the judge does, diminishes any punishment you give her. I personally am in favor of her waiting 6 extra months to drive. It is a natural consequence of her error and she seems to want to drive soon, so it will have an effect.

finally, you have to stop worrying. I get the impression that this is weighing heavily on you. Nobody is perfect. But as I said before, your dd isn't the first to make a mistake. My ds is now 20 and he has made some doozies. But he's learned from all of them and doesn't make them twice. Your dd is going to be okay. This will pass.

Maime13
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 11:32 AM
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The consequence is for the court to decide. If they offer a  deal that is payment only and she has the money, then it's done. Not a great lesson, but it's the judicial process. It favors those who have money.

Now, if you want to have a home consequence (which I would encourage) then you can be a little more flexible. Though for me, it would include a loss of the privelege of getting her license among other things.

zebra556
by Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 1:16 PM
Thank you ladies. She does have a punishment from home: She is grounded and restricted with use of phone. She asked about getting her permit this morning and I said no. She asked why? Just that and her almost forget the severity of her actions causes me concern.

She was doing ok until second half of last semester when the affects of not taking her ADHD meds really kicked in. Her grades plummeted. This was/ is a national honor society, national French honor society, Beta Club, high honor roll, all A student. She received two state awards for her science project that the school entered in competition. She is a talented kid.

She is back on her meds. There is quite a difference.
Still, that teen attitude is below the surface. I do like the one post where someone compared teen parenting to parenting a toddler.

You all are right about the broken trust that she needs to earn back.

I worried more after listening to her pediatrician talk at DD's ADHD check up. It was if she doesn't take meds, "she will be on a dark path" with disastrous consequences. He went into a lot of detail as if there was little hope.
zebra556
by Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 1:18 PM
I don't know if she plans on a sport in college. It is possible since she has won awards.
dedhed
by Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 1:22 PM

I'd wait to see what the judge decides and then go from there. I definitely think it should be more than $.

I hear you about the adhd meds, i have a similar one home.

socalpoppy
by Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 3:40 PM
1 mom liked this

I really  like how much thought you are putting into this.  I agree the "dark path" sounds ominous, but getting into the best college possible will help avoid that, in my opinion, though I readily agree that I am super-pro education.  I would let her continue to do sports to help her chances at getting into a better college and possible scholarship possibilities as well as because it helps her manage her adhd.

She made a pretty big mistake, but I think her grounding and having to wait for her license are adaquate given the information you have posted.  We had to take the keys of our now 18 year old for an infraction and she realized that I was basically punishing myself as well because I had to drive her the half hour trip to school every day.  She asked about it and I had the chance to share that I was willing to sacrafice my own time to ensure that she had reasonable consequences.  It was that important.

If you think somehow she has too much activity, maybe help her decide how to lessen it by changing her schedule if necessary.  She could focus her AP/Honors courses into either Science/Math or Humanities depending on her passion and strengths.  But I would only do this if you feel she NEEDS it.  You know your kid and it sounds like she could very well handle all the school and sports activities.

Again, good luck.  I don't think you are going to let her go down any "dark path" and agree with iwashere that you shouldn't worry about that anymore.  You aren't going to let it happen.  That's that.

zebra556
by Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 5:10 PM
Thank you all for listening and responding
atlmom2
by Susie on Aug. 19, 2016 at 6:01 PM
I agree with this.

Quoting Ziva65: I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should enforce both. Even if the judge decides on one, you can still enforce your own punishment. I would. Big time. Huge breach of trust, and put herself in danger, you and your assets in jeopardy.

If you have a community college nearby, I'd have her go there. Honestly if in Junior year she's made bad choices she needs to be under your direct guidance longer. College is only two years away.

As for the sports teams, maybe just one. We had a boy on our water polo team who sold drugs, he was still allowed to be on the team, practice but not play games. House restriction. It can be done. Be strict. Be present. She hasn't shown good judgement to warrant trust.she now needs to earn it back.
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