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Oppositional defiance disorder

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2016 at 5:09 AM
  • 16 Replies
Does anyone have any experience with this?
My dd14 got into a relationship with a boy her age a year ago now and it's been hell.
She's been admitted to hospital twice in march, just after we found out about the relationship and three times last week.
She hated her dad (my ex) but has now chosen to go live with him, even after claiming he bears her.
I'm really sad - she wasn't exhibiting this behaviour before she met this boy a year ago. She has not had any other mental diagnoses- this diagnosis came after this week in the hospital.
My ex lets her do anything she wants. He's not a co-parenter unless it suits him.
by on Dec. 11, 2016 at 5:09 AM
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atlmom2
by Susie on Dec. 11, 2016 at 8:59 AM
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I have a friend who's son was diagnosed when he was very very young. She said life was hell at times. I don't know specifics. She has depression and mental illness as well. He is 25 now but is still living with her.
Gmm73
by Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 9:33 AM
1 mom liked this
I can identify with the hell.
She was normal until she hit 13....we thought it was that, but it tied in with the boyfriend coming onto the scene...
Cenedra64
by on Dec. 11, 2016 at 9:48 AM

oh yes.  doc said my daughter had it on top of ADHD.   It never stopped once puberty hit.  All the doc could do at her age was add antidepressants.   Didn't help a great deal.   

Gmm73
by Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 10:14 AM
Thankfully she was cleared of ADHD ages ago (but I'm reading a lot that one 'compliments' the other).
We just thought it was puberty or the magic 13.
I've read that meds are not generally recommended- thank God...don't want her to be on anything - she would love to be on meds....seems to enjoy 'labels' and told everyone she suffered anxiety - this wax also cleared during last week's overnighters at the hospital. The mental ward doesn't want her back, as they can't help her..
She's punched me repeatedly back in march, police did nothing...this time when I drove her to go stay at my mums (school recommended I keep her off school for the last weeks) she started hitting me, spitting at me and trying to crash the car. Got as far as the police stn and they called for an ambulance. One officer said I should get en avo out in her (even though she's 'supposed' to be living with me full time), then when I ask for help the police turn me away.
I have a 2yo did as well and frankly I'm scared of what she'd do to any of us - more the baby out of spite...DH and I would take her down if she tried anything on us (last Monday she started wielding a knife around while I was sitting on the lounge with the baby and she didn't care - just kept calling me names and saying she'd kill herself...ended up running away, again, thankfully the police got her)
The suicide threats are because she knows they crush me - I lost a niece to suicide 5 years ago but she was bipolar and it's not on our side of the family genetically - so that's her go-to.
Also threats of self harm...
Both the self harm and suicide threats have been since the boyfriend came on the scene...I recovered her phone (her bio dad have her an iPhone 6 with unlimited data-this is how she got into trouble the first place) and they were sexting - really bad stuff - dec last year to
Feb this year...it went from what he wanted to do with her to "did you like it when i did this/that" and her responses were yes. Said she didn't know what she was doing until I caught her out. They've been caught since, and she's been in a bunch of trouble at school for defiance and violation of the no touching policy....they were both told not to continue this relationship when him, his parents and my DH and dad met to discuss back in April.
Whenever she gets in trouble she feigns a panic or anxiety attack...the school is on to her, I already knew because she does it at home.
Or she bounces from her bio dad's place to mine...told her this was the last time back in April...she herself hadn't seen her bio dad since September and never wanted anything to do with him again until Friday..
I'm at wits end.
Don't even know when I'll see her again, and she needs me and our structure and boundaries- not with her bio dad who unfortunately never worked out how to parent.
I feel like I'm mourning her loss and she's not dead.

Quoting Cenedra64:

oh yes.  doc said my daughter had it on top of ADHD.   It never stopped once puberty hit.  All the doc could do at her age was add antidepressants.   Didn't help a great deal.   

Cenedra64
by on Dec. 11, 2016 at 10:18 AM
1 mom liked this

do something now.  I am qualified to advise you on this coz it's happened to me.  I kicked my daughter out when she turned 19  because it got so bad with the hitting.  I was bruised.  She punched her younger sister in the back.   Do what you can get done now.  

Quoting Gmm73: Thankfully she was cleared of ADHD ages ago (but I'm reading a lot that one 'compliments' the other). We just thought it was puberty or the magic 13. I've read that meds are not generally recommended- thank God...don't want her to be on anything - she would love to be on meds....seems to enjoy 'labels' and told everyone she suffered anxiety - this wax also cleared during last week's overnighters at the hospital. The mental ward doesn't want her back, as they can't help her.. She's punched me repeatedly back in march, police did nothing...this time when I drove her to go stay at my mums (school recommended I keep her off school for the last weeks) she started hitting me, spitting at me and trying to crash the car. Got as far as the police stn and they called for an ambulance. One officer said I should get en avo out in her (even though she's 'supposed' to be living with me full time), then when I ask for help the police turn me away. I have a 2yo did as well and frankly I'm scared of what she'd do to any of us - more the baby out of spite...DH and I would take her down if she tried anything on us (last Monday she started wielding a knife around while I was sitting on the lounge with the baby and she didn't care - just kept calling me names and saying she'd kill herself...ended up running away, again, thankfully the police got her) The suicide threats are because she knows they crush me - I lost a niece to suicide 5 years ago but she was bipolar and it's not on our side of the family genetically - so that's her go-to. Also threats of self harm... Both the self harm and suicide threats have been since the boyfriend came on the scene...I recovered her phone (her bio dad have her an iPhone 6 with unlimited data-this is how she got into trouble the first place) and they were sexting - really bad stuff - dec last year to Feb this year...it went from what he wanted to do with her to "did you like it when i did this/that" and her responses were yes. Said she didn't know what she was doing until I caught her out. They've been caught since, and she's been in a bunch of trouble at school for defiance and violation of the no touching policy....they were both told not to continue this relationship when him, his parents and my DH and dad met to discuss back in April. Whenever she gets in trouble she feigns a panic or anxiety attack...the school is on to her, I already knew because she does it at home. Or she bounces from her bio dad's place to mine...told her this was the last time back in April...she herself hadn't seen her bio dad since September and never wanted anything to do with him again until Friday.. I'm at wits end. Don't even know when I'll see her again, and she needs me and our structure and boundaries- not with her bio dad who unfortunately never worked out how to parent. I feel like I'm mourning her loss and she's not dead.
Quoting Cenedra64:

oh yes.  doc said my daughter had it on top of ADHD.   It never stopped once puberty hit.  All the doc could do at her age was add antidepressants.   Didn't help a great deal.   


TommyAbby
by Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 2:12 PM
2 moms liked this

Sounds like she needs inpatient therapy. And the dad needs parenting classes or to come to some therapy appointments. 

Kimmybabe
by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2016 at 11:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Gentle hugs!!!

I have SUBZERO experience with this.  I'm not even sure if I understand what I read about it on line.

As the teen and puberty years kick into full gear, there is a certain amount of irrationality that some call "teen-ites" with the only cure being that they typically do age out of those teen years and become normal, adorable, and human again. Our daughters and SILs are now on the downhill slide into 24 and 25. (Both SILs have been in the orbit of our household since Halloween 2005.)

Obviously, what you are describing goes way beyond typical teen-ites and is much more serious.

From ignorance, I would suggest:

Getting counseling from professionals on how you should handle her and her issues.  This would include how to punish her for behavior issues without antagonizing her needlessly.  Surely the hospital can direct you to help in this.

I think her dad and you are going to have to work together on this and professionals may be able to bring him up to speed on what he has to do for his daughter's wellbeing. 

Join a parent support group because other parents often know a thing or two because they have seen it before.

Get to know the BF and the BF's parents really well.  Try to determine how they are impacting on your daughter and how she is impacting on the BF and his parents.  (The six parents of our daughters and SILs became very good friends also.)

With ours we could have conversations where we sorted through things.  Being ignorant on this ODD subject, I don't know if that is possible with her.  

Gmm73
by Member on Dec. 12, 2016 at 2:11 AM
Thanks x
We (DH and I) did get a chance to meet with his parents with the kids, we reinforced no more relationship. That was a few months ago.
Now the school has disciplined them he mother is buying the story that 'there are ppl out to get them at school'...all reports have come from faculty and even a friend of mine who witnessed them in the school car park.
His parents are unaware of what's gone on this past week - I've been too busy at hospital, and my DH is getting sick of the impact it's having on our family.
I've just been chasing up the critical care ppl and hospital called me, and DH doesn't understand why I'm still involved...:'(
As for exh - he is useless at co-parenting & just gives her what she wants...he's a classic narcissist and will do the opposite of my advice etc just out of spite. She knows it, which is why she's gone to his place...he put her straight back on wifi and let her go back to school to see her bf..

Quoting Kimmybabe:


Gentle hugs!!!



I have SUBZERO experience with this.  I'm not even sure if I understand what I read about it on line.



As the teen and puberty years kick into full gear, there is a certain amount of irrationality that some call "teen-ites" with the only cure being that they typically do age out of those teen years and become normal, adorable, and human again. Our daughters and SILs are now on the downhill slide into 24 and 25. (Both SILs have been in the orbit of our household since Halloween 2005.)



Obviously, what you are describing goes way beyond typical teen-ites and is much more serious.



From ignorance, I would suggest:



Getting counseling from professionals on how you should handle her and her issues.  This would include how to punish her for behavior issues without antagonizing her needlessly.  Surely the hospital can direct you to help in this.



I think her dad and you are going to have to work together on this and professionals may be able to bring him up to speed on what he has to do for his daughter's wellbeing. 



Join a parent support group because other parents often know a thing or two because they have seen it before.



Get to know the BF and the BF's parents really well.  Try to determine how they are impacting on your daughter and how she is impacting on the BF and his parents.  (The six parents of our daughters and SILs became very good friends also.)



With ours we could have conversations where we sorted through things.  Being ignorant on this ODD subject, I don't know if that is possible with her.  


Leessa2929
by New Member on Feb. 26, 2017 at 9:26 AM
Ahhhh my son at 13 was diagnosed with the same thing... I am still getting nowhere almost 3 1/2 years later ... baker acted I believe 3 times now ... everything in his life is his younger brothers fault ... I can't even get them to do simple chores ... I am at a loss .. he has doctors and therapists but nothing seems to be helping ... I pray someone in this group has some more knowledge to help us all

Quoting Gmm73: Does anyone have any experience with this?
My dd14 got into a relationship with a boy her age a year ago now and it's been hell.
She's been admitted to hospital twice in march, just after we found out about the relationship and three times last week.
She hated her dad (my ex) but has now chosen to go live with him, even after claiming he bears her.
I'm really sad - she wasn't exhibiting this behaviour before she met this boy a year ago. She has not had any other mental diagnoses- this diagnosis came after this week in the hospital.
My ex lets her do anything she wants. He's not a co-parenter unless it suits him.
YuppyMom
by Silver Member on Feb. 26, 2017 at 10:03 AM
What kinds of services and supports is she receiving or has she received for her disability?

My own personal experience is working with young children diagnosed with ODD as I have had a handful in my classroom in my years of teaching.
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