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How do i stop worrying?

Posted by on May. 16, 2017 at 7:49 PM
  • 14 Replies

Hello moms. I have two teen daughters. One that I trust and the other no so much. I worry so much about them. The oldest knows her limits and is very head strong but the youngest is always trying to fit in and makes the wrong friends. I worry so much about her that sometimes I get depressed. She has gotten herself into so much drama in the past. I get very concerned about what type of adult she will turn out to be. I always share with her about my past mistakes with friends so that she can see that being a teenager wasnt so easy for me either. She sometimes make friends and they use her in some way and being her mom of course I get so upset. I ask her all the time about her friends and why she likes them. I just dont know how to stop worrying so much. I worry about if something happens to me what I will she do in certain situations. My sister says that I am on top of my daughters way too much. As in wanting to know every little thing. How do I get through this stage in their lives because Im about to go crazy with all of this worrying!

by on May. 16, 2017 at 7:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
RaeMarie
by Silver Member on May. 16, 2017 at 8:14 PM
1 mom liked this

Only advice I have is to pray every day for them and for your sanity/peace of mind. Teens are not easy. I hear we never quit worrying about our children even when they are grown, married, parents themselves. 

diaperstodating
by Queen25Princes on May. 16, 2017 at 8:16 PM
Hugs
Welcome to the group!
MissAndree
by Member on May. 16, 2017 at 9:08 PM
1 mom liked this

What specific actions and behaviours are you worried about? 

atlmom2
by Susie on May. 17, 2017 at 12:11 AM
There is only so much you can do. They are who they are. My 2 are a lot like yours except in reverse. They are both good adults. Teen years are learning years and they do learn the hard way sometimes. You can't learn things for them. Just stop getting in the middle of her drama. I stayed out of drama whenever I could. Smartest thing I ever did. Your sister is right.
amommy2583
by New Member on May. 17, 2017 at 12:16 AM
Best advice I can give is don't stalk them. You don't need to be on their social media knowing everything they do. I learned that the hard way. Our parents didn't know everything we did. I'm approaching it that way with my son and it's so much better than with my daughter where I know it all. No need for moms to know the teen drama if she needs you she will let you know. I wish someone would have told me this in 2011.
Ziva65
by Silver Member on May. 17, 2017 at 1:28 AM
2 moms liked this

How old are they? 

Worrying so much isn't healthy. Personally, I pray, it helps me not worry so much. I also think of the good things, and things I'm thankful for and I focus on those things. It always brightens my mood and relieves stress.

If worrying however is that bad, consider seeing the dr and maybe get a med. Long term worry isn't healthy, valid or not- so then I'd suggest to see a Dr and ask what they suggest- perhaps an antidepressant. You can't be effective if you are worried too much.

When I do have an issue for me when I worry about, I try to think of all consequences and see if I can avert them somehow, or think worst case and deal with that- for example, if you are worried about her having sex- that's bad- BUT, you can teach her about std's, birth control, safe sex, etc. If it's erratic driving, same thing. 

For the one who makes bad choices, how is her self esteem? Is there something she can be good at, or enjoys, and part of doing that activity can she associate with different kids? I learned years ago that each child needs something to excel at and be proud of that is unique to them, help her find that.

It's one reason we had our involved in things such as sports (water plo in particular, at junior olympic level), choir, etc. It not only kept them very busy all through high school, but it was a good friend group. In fact, very involved families as well, we all knew each other, and family goals were similar. Plus to remain on these extracurriculars they need good grades, so that gives common goals too. It's been good for them to meet good friends, be focused, no time for trouble, minimal drama (because they're too busy :).

Also, if you are concerned as to where she's hanging out, make your home the go to place. Food, fun, freedom, game area, pool, whatever it is that's attractive to them. We much preferred them to bring their friends here, then who knows where with alcohol or whatever else... and on the bright side, we got to know their friends and they knew they were always welcome.

I don't know if any of that helps, just thought I'd share.


lovingladyo4
by New Member on May. 17, 2017 at 8:53 AM
1 mom liked this

I truly believe that any parent of teens can relate to what you share. Yes, they are turbulent years for sure, and many conflicts take place below the surface where we can't see them, but we know they are there. The more you study teens, the more you see a common thread running through their behavior. They are re-discovering their self worth and therefore, belonging to a group is paramount. They will follow a group, or individual, without ever admitting that is in fact what they are doing. They succumb to pressure without even recognizing it as such. They don't know themselves the way you do, and will therefore resist any hint you make of them not being in control of their lives. 

There are a few things that stood out at the top of my list when I raised 4 teenagers. Finding that delicate balance of being their friend and their authority is a pretty tricky place to be, yet both must be secure in the child's mind.

The second your child detects that you think something is wrong with them, especially when none of their friends see what you see, they will begin to move further and further away from you to avoid any feelings of guilt and shame. 

They can't bear the feelings of you vocalizing your continual disapproval, even if they know they are guilty. Now there are sides, and they will gravitate to the side where they don't have to face any disapproval.

The key is to build your child up and draw out of them their strengths and gifts. During the years when my son struggled with his self esteem, he was good in the kitchen. (I had home schooled my kids and they learned math from a cookbook. So cooking became second nature to him). I would ask him to pick out his favorite recipe, we'd go shopping for the ingredients and he cooked his specialty meals for us. It gave us special time together and he saw how much we valued his service to us. 

Did cooking meals steer him away from the influence of his friends.?No, it did not, but the little things that were interspersed into his family life were reminders of what his strong foundation looked like. Years later, as an adult, he has thanked me over and over for the way he was raised. He is a firefighter now, and has shaped his own view of how he wants to raise his own children

Continue to reinforce your family values, while spending time with your daughter as though there isn't a problem. Take her shopping. Get pedicures together. Treat her to her favorite ice cream at a new ice cream shop. Go into her world and do the things she likes to do. Watch a fun movie together. Offer to paint her nails in her room with her favorite music on. Find an Arbonne consultant and get facials together. Let her know you love her right where she's at without the interruption of her negative behavior dominating your time together. 

Your authority will always be the final say. She is learning huge lessons in life by learning to submit to authority. The boundary lines will always be there and when they are crossed, consequences will result. That is the way they learn what is safe for them and what is not. 

Above all, pray continually for your teen. They are desperate to know their value and their worth, and just because they look in the wrong places for it, doesn't dismiss the reality that they need your approval, whether they show the body language of it or not. Ask God to intervene. He created your teen and only He has all the answers you so desperately are looking for. He is a loving and faithful God and desires that your teen grow into a beautiful woman who will build a relationship with Him. God is our only security in this life, and we never want to keep that reality away from our teen's thinking.

Praying with you too mom. Sending you my blessings.

Sydel
by Group Admin on May. 17, 2017 at 9:04 AM
My cousin is one who is easily manipulated and used. My aunt and uncle worried. They couldn't stop her from picking questionable friends. They just made sure she knew they were/are there for her. She's now 22 and has had a chick crash her car, her last 2 girlfriends cheated on her, she's loaned put a few thousand of her hard earned money, and was left in another city while bar hopping with "friends".

Sigh.... my aunt and uncle get so frustrated and talk until they are blue BUT she has to figure it all out on her own. Which she slowly is.

Just kerp communication open and be there for her.
iwashere
by on May. 17, 2017 at 11:36 AM
2 moms liked this

everyone learns their life lessons differently. It sounds like your dd is having a difficult time finding friends in school that match her values. Believe it or not, most teens struggle with that, even the ones who project absolute confidence. 

However, what doesn't help is your over reaching worry. It sounds like you are on top of her about her friend group. You ask why she hangs out with them. You get upset if something bad happens. You have to realize that you are not supporting your dd when you do these things. You are making things much, much worse. 

Instead, when your dd tells you about something that happens, just listen. Your opinion isn't required or needed. Your emotions are not required or needed. What is needed is for you to ask how she feels. What she thinks she should do to not have it happen again.you need to be her rock instead of her over emotional basket case.

listen more than you talk. 

romalove
by Bronze Member on May. 17, 2017 at 12:34 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't know what kind of extracurricular activities they are involved in, but getting them involved in something they have some passion for is usually very helpful.  It gives them friends who share the same interests, it keeps them occupied in something useful for long periods of time, and it keeps them focused.

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