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13 year old son Help

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2017 at 2:18 PM
  • 11 Replies
Hello, my 13 year old son has been so mouthy and has an answer for everything (so he thinks) we will take last night for example (Father's Day). My husband and I were playing card game with the kids. My other two kids are 21 and 19. Well my 13 year old was starting to be a smart ass and mean to his brother and sister. We ended up quitting the game. My husband got upset and I got mad. My so went in started playing his game and on his phone. I took everything away from him and of course i'm mean mom and he was blaming everyone else. I took him separately into both my other two kids rooms and ask them to tell him how he was and they did. 13 year old still blaming everyone else and said he didn't do anything and he just kept running his mouth (would not stop) ugh i'm at a loss. He needs a reality check. I feel like such a failure of a parent. He always has an attitude and mad look on his face. He doesn't has a disability or anything just a normal over attitude crazy hormonal teen. What do I do? How do I handle this? He hates going anywhere and all he wants to do is play minecraft, super Mario and watch YouTube on making money while playing games and making his own videos. We keep track and check everything. He don't let him play them crazy harsh games yet. And hopefully by the time we do allow them games, the systems won't work anymore. When I take his stuff away and tell him to build his Legos are something else, he will get Lippy and say what's the difference if I build legos or play the game or watch YouTube and will go on and on. Ugh grrrr
by on Jun. 19, 2017 at 2:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mjande4
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 2:33 PM

My first thought is that's a huge age difference and probably difficult to find something that makes everyone happy.  This, however, doesn't excuse his behavior.  Have you tried reinforcing positive behavior?  I would complement and emphasize when he does and acts the way you want him to.  Is he involved in any extra curricular activities?  This is a good way to keep kids active.  The truth is, most 13 years old aren't interested in Legos anymore and are interested in the things you listed.  Just set up guidelines and model the behavior that you wish to happen.

Mommamax3
by New Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 2:49 PM
He honestly still likes the legos, he's building a city with all he has. He likes to build different things with them also. He's more into minecraft now and the minecraft legos. I can not get him to be involved in sports. My husband is looking into gold or baseball camp. He said he wants dad to work with him this summer and next year he will play baseball. He's awesome with pitching just bad with hitting. It's a huge battle to get him involved with extra curricular activities. We were also thinking Boy Scouts but not sure if they do that at this age. He's so angry all the time that we don't want him playing the harsh games and he screams and yells to much when he does play. I always give positive reinforcements.

Quoting mjande4:

My first thought is that's a huge age difference and probably difficult to find something that makes everyone happy.  This, however, doesn't excuse his behavior.  Have you tried reinforcing positive behavior?  I would complement and emphasize when he does and acts the way you want him to.  Is he involved in any extra curricular activities?  This is a good way to keep kids active.  The truth is, most 13 years old aren't interested in Legos anymore and are interested in the things you listed.  Just set up guidelines and model the behavior that you wish to happen.

ljmom24
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 3:21 PM
13 is a rough age. I finally figured out how to get mine out of the room and socializing. Punish his brother. Nothing sends a 13 year old out the room like s crying 8 yr old.

As for attitude and behavior they are just giant toddlers testing boundaries. You have to set clear behavior expectations and consequences or he will continue to be disrespectful
Kimmybabe
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 5:41 PM
1 mom liked this

Well, when our daughters were still in the single digit ages, hubby and I found a punishment that is much more effective and painless for us than the proverbial cat of nine tails (metaphorically speaking).  It is called “deprivation of privileges.”  You figure out what is most important to the kid and take that away from them for a period of time.  For our daughters it was the movies.  For many teens it is the phone, gaming system, and other electronics. 

Be reasonable with using it, unless there is a reason for increasing the punishment. An example would be the story of the lawyer arguing with the judge, when the judge says silence or I’ll hold you in contempt. The lawyer keeps arguing and the judge says, “OK, I hold you in contempt of this court and that will be one day in jail.”  The arguing continues so the judge says, “That will now be two days in jail. Care to make it four days?”  The lawyer stops and says, “No, your honor.”  Rarely, are contempt judgments overruled by upper courts.

As I alluded too, resist the urge to go beyond what is reasonable. 

As others mentioned, thirteen can be a rough year.  They do grow out of it though. 


booscomputer
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 8:48 PM
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If he gets lippy just walk away from him. Take away all electronics for 30 days. Set out rules in writing and post them. If he violates a rule then the 30 days start again. He will get it when he sees a count down vs constantly moving back to 30 days. Do not give in and tell him to get away from you if he cannot be civil.
Ziva65
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2017 at 9:41 PM
1 mom liked this
Smart ass is not ok. There would be a consequence, it's a lack of respect for authority

Disrupting the family is not ok, also a lack of respect but for everyone; however everyone giving in and stopping the game isn't the answer either; again, there'd be a consequence. And the family would keep playing, he got what he wanted and manipulated everyone. I wouldn't embarrass him by everyone even if privately, tells him his behavior.

First, there needs to be parameters and consequences. Like Kimme said, find what's important to him and take that away as a consequence. Maybe it's the game station or the phone. He needs to earn that time. Make behavior expectations clear, be consistent and enforce the consequence. Make a contract if you need to. Every time. Personally I might include grades, chores, in addition to a positive attitude etc as part of earning that game time.

In a response you said he's angry all the time, maybe have that checked. Perhaps there's an underlying issue. Start with a medical doctor. Even blaming others may be something more medical, I'd start there. Maybe he needs some medication, but at the minimum some behavior management is in order.

Boy Scouts is great, my boys loved it. It's not for everyone but doesn't hurt to check it out. There's also venture scouts. The drawback is that he's 13 and the goal is to get your Eagle by 18. So 13 may be a bit late to do that, but it's worth checking out.

Finally, about baseball. If he enjoys it and is good at pitching then foster it. Maybe that through time with dad, or maybe it's through a baseball coach. Keep in mind the coach can help set the attitude straight, Boy Scout leaders can help adjust that attitude too. I'd suggest your husband participate as well, its great father son time.
ladyvamp5489
by Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 8:52 AM

i have 3 boys all teens and what has worked for them is to take away all electronics including phone. For an amount of time and make them do chores instead.

iwashere
by on Jun. 20, 2017 at 12:09 PM
2 moms liked this

Well, 13 can be a stage where they are pretty much 3 year olds trapped in a much larger body. So is he high school next year or is he still in middle school? It sounds like he's trying to assert some independence. He is the youngest, he's at a stage in his development where that would happen. However, he's clearly going about it wrong.

another flag for me is the frustration he has during gaming. my son was a huge gamer before college became his focus. If your son is not playing some of the bigger games, like COD or others, I wouldn't expect this level of frustration unless there are some unknown sensory issues or something like that. That doesn't mean there is anything "wrong" with him, simply that the games he plays may give his brain input it doesn't like. My son, for example, had this crazy game with Spider-Man. Holy cow, he was a different person after playing it (he was around 12 or so at the time). We finally realized it was the game, took it away and allowed him to play other games. He was ticked off, but got over it.

finally, I think your method of punishment may not be helping the situation. Look, he's the baby of the family. Everyone is older than him and he may perceive that as everyone around him bosses him around. By taking him to your older children's rooms and having them talk to him, you reinforce the belief that he may have, which is that he is a powerless baby. Instead, I'd make the punishment fit the crime and never involve the older kids in the punishment. If his phone or game system is so important, those should be your go to punishment. I also favor stages of punishment. I found that taking away everything at once left me powerless and my son pissed as hell without any inclination to learn from his mistake. So I'd take away a game, if his behavior didn't improve, I'd take away the phone, still no improvement, another thing taken away, etc. always leave yourself a way to escalate the punishment.

cashmeousside
by howbowdah on Jun. 20, 2017 at 2:15 PM
I don't tolerate attitude and my kids know that. Take away everything and leave him in his room until he can apologize and show respect....

I wouldn't even acknowledge him talking until he could do it respectfully.... that is after he got some major discipline.
free2bme579
by New Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 5:25 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like your son is testing your limits of disrespect. I think that you need to make clear to him that certain things are NOT said to you or to anyone, regardless of the way that he may feel. You are not his peer. You are his mother. Talking back is not acceptable, and he should know what the consistent disciplinary action is when he is, "mouthy".

I also think that he is attempting to assert himself. It seems that he may be a middle child. That fact should not be used as an excuse, defense for inappropriate behavior, or a crutch.  He cannot be allowed to use his feelings to validate behavior that will not serve him well as he grows to adulthood. It seems that he is already isolating himself from your family.

Something is bothering him. Something is on his mind. To find out what it is, I think that you are going to have to be more relational with him. Then, maybe he will drop the back talk and trust you enough to tell you what's going on in his head.  I would try doing something together with him, just the two of you....like a movie, or playing one of the games that you know he likes. You are looking for something that will bring down barriers and create a bridge to his heart.

This is a tough time. You have to balance love and discipline, which can be difficult for many of us. Discipline is not being a "bad" mom. It's being the best kind of mom. My husband and I have 4 sons. This will work,


All the best.

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