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Pick your battles

Posted by on Sep. 26, 2017 at 6:17 AM
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Parenting teens can be beyond challenging and the best advice people give is "Pick your battles wisely"! Every person is different, every family is different, we all have our own morals, beliefs and ethics, our battles may also be different.

So I'm curious...what are your battles? Which teen parental challenges do you choose to fight and which do you choose not to fight?

by on Sep. 26, 2017 at 6:17 AM
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cybcm
by Silver Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 7:04 AM
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The hills I will die on:
- You will be a productive, positive member of society and will contribute to your community
- You will be accountable for yourself and all actions (I do not tolerate "--- made me do it" or the concept of someone else being a bad influence)
- You will be a equal contributor to the household
- You will wear the consequences for your actions, we will not bail you out
- You will gain employment once legal age, education doesn't begin and end in a school

Hills I generally walk around because they make no sense to me:
- The idea of "all A's", as long as you put effort in, I'm happy
- Any physical appearance nonsense standards, especially if it's drenched in archaic, sexist ideals
- Who you are friends with


I'm sure I will think of more things as this goes along.
romalove
by Bronze Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 8:01 AM
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My battles were always you must attend school and get the best grades you're capable of, you must have something you're interested in outside school to work on (whether it's an extracurricular activity, a hobby, a team, or even a job you like), you must have a goal for after high school and work towards that, you must follow the law.

Things I never fought about were clothes, hair, friends, dating, what they watched/listened to/read, etc.

I coupled this with constant communication starting from birth about everything so that the kids saw me as an ally and not an impediment.  I got lots more information that way, and was able to get values and morals in without them being "lessons".

Msgme
by Gold Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 11:59 AM
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Take responsibility for your words and actions. Always own it the bad along with the good decisions.always respect yourselves, always do your best and don't litter. ( i would always make them pick up what they littered and 5 additional pieces of littter)I also need a general idea of where you are meaning if you get on a bus or train or a car i need to know.

I've never cared about perfect grades or clothes (I've had to veto some of tori's clothing choices but for the most part idc). they can pick thier own friends and how they spend their down time. (i dont restrict screen time)

Ziva65
by Silver Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 1:13 PM
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Good list.

Ours was much like this- except we did restrict dating, and church/ faith was important. While it can't be forced, it can be cultivated.

It all worked out. They're all on track moving forward.

Quoting romalove:

My battles were always you must attend school and get the best grades you're capable of, you must have something you're interested in outside school to work on (whether it's an extracurricular activity, a hobby, a team, or even a job you like), you must have a goal for after high school and work towards that, you must follow the law.

Things I never fought about were clothes, hair, friends, dating, what they watched/listened to/read, etc.

I coupled this with constant communication starting from birth about everything so that the kids saw me as an ally and not an impediment.  I got lots more information that way, and was able to get values and morals in without them being "lessons".

romalove
by Bronze Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 1:24 PM
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We aren't affiliated with any church or faith.

Everyone parents a little differently.  What works for each family is what's best.  I usually talk about, in general, not making too many rules because of a firm belief that what you restrict is what will become more interesting to them, plus if they wish to rebel (and lots do) you're programming them with perfect rebellions.

You of course had multiples to raise, which is something I don't know if I could have handled, let alone with the grace I've seen you relate!

Quoting Ziva65: Good list. Ours was much like this- except we did restrict dating, and church/ faith was important. While it can't be forced, it can be cultivated. It all worked out. They're all on track moving forward.
Quoting romalove:

My battles were always you must attend school and get the best grades you're capable of, you must have something you're interested in outside school to work on (whether it's an extracurricular activity, a hobby, a team, or even a job you like), you must have a goal for after high school and work towards that, you must follow the law.

Things I never fought about were clothes, hair, friends, dating, what they watched/listened to/read, etc.

I coupled this with constant communication starting from birth about everything so that the kids saw me as an ally and not an impediment.  I got lots more information that way, and was able to get values and morals in without them being "lessons".


Ziva65
by Silver Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 1:28 PM
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From what you've shared about your kids they've turned out great! Thanks for the grace comment lol, I didn't feel that way :)!

I agree on the too many rules part too, it backfires sometimes with stringent rules.

Quoting romalove:

We aren't affiliated with any church or faith.

Everyone parents a little differently.  What works for each family is what's best.  I usually talk about, in general, not making too many rules because of a firm belief that what you restrict is what will become more interesting to them, plus if they wish to rebel (and lots do) you're programming them with perfect rebellions.

You of course had multiples to raise, which is something I don't know if I could have handled, let alone with the grace I've seen you relate!

Quoting Ziva65: Good list.

Ours was much like this- except we did restrict dating, and church/ faith was important. While it can't be forced, it can be cultivated.

It all worked out. They're all on track moving forward.

Quoting romalove:

My battles were always you must attend school and get the best grades you're capable of, you must have something you're interested in outside school to work on (whether it's an extracurricular activity, a hobby, a team, or even a job you like), you must have a goal for after high school and work towards that, you must follow the law.

Things I never fought about were clothes, hair, friends, dating, what they watched/listened to/read, etc.

I coupled this with constant communication starting from birth about everything so that the kids saw me as an ally and not an impediment.  I got lots more information that way, and was able to get values and morals in without them being "lessons".

atlmom2
by Susie on Sep. 26, 2017 at 3:58 PM
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I wasn't picky on clothes except they had to be within the school dress code.  Outside of school I wasn't picky either.  I never let mine color their hair a strange color like blue or green until they were 18 and out of school.  No tattoos till 18 and my oldest has 5 now and my youngest none.  She says she wants a small one, but still hasn't.  Dh and I really hate them.  As far as friends we would never make them not be friends with someone but we did give our opinon on some of the losers they brought home.  Well, my oldest found out after years we said one was a loser.  She stole money from dd.  "I told ya so".  Of course once they are adults they realize Mom and Dad were right 99% of the time, lol.  

diane1968
by Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 4:00 PM
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About his grades. he knows he has the next two years and has to really study now. when he doesn't study he gets consequences for his grades, the consequences change every year b/c he is 16. and his manners. he's pretty good with those.

ljmom24
by Bronze Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 6:51 PM
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Go to school and do your best (oldest is sped so I get a c can be harder earned then an a and I'm ok with it as long as I know he tried) Be respectful and thrurhful (if rather you confess to something then hear it second hand) And always leave the house in clean clothes and underwear

Things I don't fret over, friends, clothes (as long as it's clean and within school dress code) hair, weekend bedtimes, screen time

I will say (knock on wood) my kids have been relatively easy and I find myself picking battles more with my parents then kids. I used to say I have a 9yr old , 14 yr old and 43 yr old but now I need to add 2 more. A 72 and 73 yr old and they are becoming more work
heybooboo
by Bronze Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 7:01 PM
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Grades need to be an 85 or above, or it's time for tutoring.  

As long as they were within dress code and are clean, I don't fight what they choose to wear.  DH is very much against altering their bodies, so no to piercings tattoos and dying hair but that is his battle, not mine.

Remain respectful, responsible and contributing members of the family/community

Must be involved in a personal interest, extracurricular, hobby or volunteer position.

We are kind of in a challenging spot right now though, because DD is choosing to die on every hill and will look for an argument if things are calm for too long.  I told her if she has another outburst she will be back in therapy, and won't have access to a car until she's managed to get her act together.  I should probably get an appointment set up for her......

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