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I feel like I went wrong somewhere...

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My daughter is 14 and in 8th grade.

She refuses to go to school most of the time.  Her school starts after 9AM and I have to be to work at 8AM.  She knows there's no way to force her to go.  I used to leave work to deal with it at first, but couldn't continue to do this obviously.  So she takes full advantage of when I'm gone because she knows nobody can force her.

Invites friends over without asking me.  Taking off without asking me and then putting up a huge fight that turns into her threatening to call the police claiming abuse if I so much as touch her.

Refuses to lift a finger to help in the house.  Eats everything in sight and then bitches that I never keep food in the house.

I've tried taking away privileges.  I've tried grounding.  I've put her in therapy.

Nothing sinks in.  She's just like whatever, I do what I want.

I finally asked attendance to schedule her for the truancy board.  I've scheduled a land line for the house and once the line goes live, I'm cancelling her cell phone.  Electronics are locked up again already and they will remain locked up indefinitely.  Whether or not these actions will be effective - I dunno.  I can only hope.

I actually can't figure out what the hell happened here or how she got this bad.  I was consistent in rules and punishments.  My rules weren't over the top.  I allowed her a voice in the household since it's just her and me.  It was like a switch was flicked in her head over the last 6 months and she just decided to turn into a raging asshole.

Not really seeking advice, but open to it!  Mostly just a vent. 


by on Mar. 8, 2018 at 9:04 AM
Replies (31-38):
spolastre
by New Member on Mar. 10, 2018 at 6:54 AM
Does your county have a program where she has to report to the courts if she does anything like miss school, etc. Tgisbis the one for my county: https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/juveniledomesticrelations/juvenile-intake/chins

My 14-year old daughter ran away, hanging out with kids also making bad decisions, and skipping class. I had to put her in an in patient program and they recommended this as well as a therapist.

I would get a therapist for her because maybe there is something more prodfound there. Also, if your county has something similar. The police department should know.

mstasha210
by New Member on Mar. 10, 2018 at 7:05 AM
1 mom liked this
My friend has been going through something similar with her teenage son. They got into an argument and he said he doesn't need her for anything. So she stopped doing anything for him. He was welcome to food in the house but she only cooked for herself, her dh, and her othet child. He was on his own. She stopped giving him rides to where he wanted to go. If it wasn't in walking distance, he couldn't go. And she took away his electronics including his phone. In less than a week, he was apologizing and she says his attitude has turned around so much. Maybe you can show her how her life could be if she doesn't straighten up.
randi1978
by Member on Mar. 10, 2018 at 9:59 AM

I did actually.  She's clean.  Therapist's only suggestion is setting up mental health days once a month.  She actually told him once a month wasn't enough and she wanted once to twice a week.  He told her that was not realistic and she just dismissed him.

The only boot camp here in my state won't take them until 16.

Quoting Msgme:

Have you tested her for drug use?  Does her therapist have any suggestions?  perhaps a bootcamp kinda place.


randi1978
by Member on Mar. 10, 2018 at 10:01 AM
1 mom liked this

Becca Bill is the only thing we have where the courts get involved. 

She's scheduled for the truancy board next week.  Courts aren't involved yet at this point, but the truancy board is like a step away from me or the school filing with the courts.

Quoting spolastre: Does your county have a program where she has to report to the courts if she does anything like miss school, etc. Tgisbis the one for my county: https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/juveniledomesticrelations/juvenile-intake/chins My 14-year old daughter ran away, hanging out with kids also making bad decisions, and skipping class. I had to put her in an in patient program and they recommended this as well as a therapist. I would get a therapist for her because maybe there is something more prodfound there. Also, if your county has something similar. The police department should know.


turtle68
by Member on Mar. 11, 2018 at 7:12 AM
1 mom liked this

awww....i would move her to a school that is so far away from home and every morning I would drop her off at 7.30 before I went to work.  Either she goes to school or she walks home.

Or I would lock her out of the house in the morning when I left for school.  

I'd make it bloody difficult to be comfortable anywhere other than school.

Dynamaniac
by on Mar. 14, 2018 at 9:54 AM

I've think you've taken some steps in a positive direction.  It sounds like a cry for attention.  We have to remember that we're not their friends, we're their parents.  We have to enforce rules now and teach them responsibility.  Being a single parent makes it difficult, but it's doable.  Rules and consequences are a part of life and growing up is tough.  It's hard for teenagers as they're experiencing emotional issues and hormonal changes.  This all translates into confusion.  Have you thought about counseling?  Is her father involved?  Do you have a faith/belief system?  You are definitely on the right track with removing electronic privileges and ridding her of her phone.  Remember, you can also get her a generic flip phone and remove texting and internet privileges making it only useful for calling and tracking her whereabouts. 

gramabrenda
by on Mar. 16, 2018 at 10:50 AM
Mom, it sounds like you have done everything you can do, so don't kick yourself. I want to say "thank you" for your daughter (she can't do that right now because she is working through some things, but there will come a time, when she wakes up and all that you have taught her will come to light).
 
I am not sure where the man who fathered her is but it does seem like you have to work to support the family. I have been where she is-REBELLIOUS. It was like I discovered I did have some control over my life and I was going to exercise it. I wanted to live with my own choices and I wanted to let the world know something was not right in my life. I think I really just needed a Dad to hold me and love me, protect me and guide me. This wasn't going to happen. My Mom married to provide a Dad and he was a dud, besides at that point in my life I wasn't going to let him be my Dad even if he was an ok guy. It would have taken a lot of love, patience and firm resolve to have helped me work thru.
 
OK so what happened to me and where does that apply to your daughter. I accepted Jesus as my Savior and found out God loved me. He was my Father, when my early Fathers failed or weren't available. I am not going to say it happened overnight but the church family and friends mentored me and help me to see TRUTH, and slowly, love took hold.
 
I pray for people to come along side of you to help you and your daughter. I pray that if you need to send her to residential therapy you will know it and God will provide the place. (Fairplay Wilderness Camp has done some great work with children in this circumstance and there are others. Horse Camps/Residential programs are usually good.)
I pray for peace for you and that your daughter will find healing for the hurt that is fueling her rebellion. I pray for understanding and for provision. I pray for there to be love abounding and for it to take hold in your daughter's heart. Father hear my prayer for this special family and meet their needs. Amen.  
PinkButterfly66
by Bronze Member on Mar. 16, 2018 at 3:43 PM

I would tell her to call the police because I would love to tell them what a brat she is.  And I would take her phone and replace it with a very uncool cheapie pay as you go phone with no camera, no wifi or data.  I would ask the school if there is anyone there before 9am so you could drop her off early.  Or if she doesn't show up to school ask the school to call the truant officer to go get her. 

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