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What do you do when your teen has a bf/gf and they change for the worse?

Posted by on Apr. 18, 2009 at 5:40 PM
  • 8 Replies

My daughter (almost 17) has been dating a boy (17) for about 5 months...they are totally in love..her words not mine...and I've noticed lately that she has become very grouchy and short with me...I've also noticed that he tells her what he thinks she should do and not do....I've raised her to be independant and don't care for this at all....he doesn't have a relationship with his parents (both alcoholics and druggies) so he tells her that she shouldn't listen to me. Also they are with each other each waking moment of every day....she is his first girlfriend....I get the feeling that he thinks if he isn't around her all the time, then she will find someone else...I've tried limiting their time together (he's getting her in trouble at work for hanging around the whole time she's there, they both work at McDonalds) Don't know how I should handle this...any suggestions would be very helpful! Sorry I rambled but I'm at my wits end...that is about one of my daughters, I will be posting about my other daughter shortly...

Thank you!

by on Apr. 18, 2009 at 5:40 PM
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by on Apr. 18, 2009 at 8:50 PM
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You're doing what I would do.  Maybe you could sit down with her, and ask her to write a pros and cons list about her bf.  Tell her it is an important thing to do every couple of months.  That way she could see how things were in the beginning, and how they are now.  If you make a list about something, you could show her how things change.  Sometimes good and sometimes not so good.  Wishing you all the best!   

by on Apr. 25, 2009 at 5:00 AM

Thanks! I think that is a great idea! I will suggest that to her.

by on Apr. 25, 2009 at 5:38 AM

Oh my, that's not a good situation at all !!! The reason she's so grouchy with you is because she's miserable with him. Sit down and talk to her, but be careful not to put him down...focus  on her and her happiness. Good luck.

    spring springtime                               

by Susie on Apr. 16, 2014 at 8:47 AM
Teenagers have to figure it out themselves. She will.
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by Bronze Member on Apr. 16, 2014 at 10:42 PM

The worst thing you can do is tell her he is bad news,unfortunately she needs to find this out for herself. I wouldn't let her become disrespectful to me in my house. Remind her it's your house and your rules and speaking to you the way she does is a no go. Set down reasonable expectatons to behavior and time spent with him.  She still lives at home and as such you can say no to her company ie him.  SOmetimes teens need to learn the hard way that something is not good for them we need to be the safety net to catch them when they fal.

by on Apr. 16, 2014 at 11:08 PM

I think that teens are still open to advice from their parents if you approach them right. I would just start a general conversation about relationships and steer it towards how they can change us, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. I would avoid saying anything specific about her or her bf. I would discuss why they think that is, what kinds of things can cause those changes. Basically you are gently opening her eyes to her own relationship and letting her come to her own conclusions. It may take a little while for the seeds of doubt to grow, but they surely will grow. And at the same time you are teaching your dd to set boudaries in her relationships and to place a high value on herself.

Good Luck Mamma. Let us know how it goes.

by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 1:12 PM

I went through a phase with my 17 YO DD a few months ago where she was acting this way.  Sullen, withdrawn, grouchy all the time. I felt like she hated me, which was tough because we'd always been close.  I chalked it up to her age and a developmental phase (all teen girls hate their moms at some point, right?), but then we snooped on her whereabouts with the 'find my phone' feature on her iphone and she was not where she told us she was.  Turned out that she'd been frequenting Hookah bars and house parties and hadn't told us because she thought we'd disapprove (she wasn't smoking the hookahs or drinking beer at the parties because she detests both).  Once we had everything out in the open she started acting like her normal self again (most of the time).  So, I'd maybe do some sleuthing as another poster suggested and see if maybe she's hiding something from you.  In our case, I think my daughter felt guilty about lying to us, and it came out in the form of grouchiness and anger toward us.  Good luck!

by on Apr. 17, 2014 at 8:50 PM

Ask your daughter to share with you what she likes about this relationship.  I am sure that his demanding that she be his and only his is tops on the list for feeling important.  This stuff lasts for awhile and then tends to wear thin and at 5 months, she has probably another 5 months to go before this gets old.  He is looking for security due to not having a stable household.  Get to know this boy.  Be kind, buy him lunch, smile whenever he is around, chances are he needs a momma a whole lot more than a GF.  Ask him "how are things going?" "You know you are welcome to come over for movie night/dinner/games/talking anytime".  My daughter has been in a relationship that has been on and off for the better part of a year.  The boy was at first reluctant to share in our life because he was fully rejected in his own home life.  I instantly understood that he was in pain and reached out to him as a mother.  He almost instantly accepted my invitation to grow with us and learn to love in a healthy way instead of an obsessive way.  My daughter was just too young to accept or deal with his stuff and so they have now parted ways as the best of friends.  I am still his "oma" or other momma and he is now a self assured young man of 18 on his way into life with a full ride to a very prestigious college.  We helped him see the world through the lens of love, owning your own space and knowing that you count in this world.   I suspect that this young man is in a similar place.  Find out what this boy really needs and then get in there and help both your daughter and this boy see the world in a beautiful way.  I promise that all of you will grow through this into better people!

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