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Frustrated and scared for my 17 year old dd (sorry -- long)

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My dd is a Junior in high school (finishing this year in 2.5 weeks).  She is a bright girl, kind of shy and sweet.  At the beginning of the school year she got involved with the wrong guy.  Joe is controlling and I suspect abusive but she has not admitted that.  Pretty early in the school year he lead her to have sex for the first time (unprotected of course).  They continued an unprotected sexual relationship and of course she became pregnant in early October.  They go to a private boarding school which is supposed to pride itself of character development.

This boy is a senior and seniors at this school are supposed to show leadership.  He "lead" her into sex, drugs, lying, stealing and running away.  Until recently she and he were planning to raise this baby somehow on nothing.  When they caught his once again smoking pot in one of the school bathrooms, they sent him to another campus out of state because they felt that he was being a bad influence on her.

After he was 3 states away, she admitted to me that she had wanted to break up with him, but he had threatened to kill her if she ever did.  With him 3 states away she felt comfortable in breaking up with him.  She told everyone how free she felt and seemed happier than she had been in a long time.  She decided to give her baby up for adoption so she could continue her education and the child could have a loving two-parent family.  She is adopted and had reconnected with her birthdad who helped her make this loving decision.

On Mother's Day he called her.  She was home here for the weekend.  Last night I got e-mail from her admitting that she forgave him and they are getting back together.  I am worried for her safety (he isolated her and threatened her and "punished" her in the past) and I am worried that he may convince her not to follow through on her adoption plans.  I am very scared and worried.

by on May. 12, 2009 at 8:54 AM
Replies (11-14):
gbphipps1
by on May. 13, 2009 at 6:15 PM

Thank you everyone for your support.  I will let everyone know how things go.  I was supposed to pick her up today and take her to physical therapy (her back is sore because she is so tiny and never had a belly before) but I had to call and cancel because I had a stomach bug that came on in the night and did not let me get far from my bathroom.  That seems to have resolved, but my temp is 101.  I am hoping I am all better tomorrow.  I (uncharacteristically) spent today in bed (except when I was running in).

 

summerdayz
by on May. 14, 2009 at 10:11 AM

First of all, you shouldn't be blaming him for what she did. I am all for personal responsibility and  I may be biased because I have 3 sons, but I also have a daughter. Your daughter is 17 and made decisions to have sex, use drugs, lie,  steal and run away. I also would not threaten him with the law because he's not going to be stupid. He will know they cannot do anything. And they especially cannot do anything just on your word, without your daughter backing you up. Even if she did, where's the proof ? And did he really threaten her life ?

If she really wants to be free from him, she needs to talk about how to go about doing it,  and how to become a stronger person, and how to say no, if she means no. And if she wants to be free from him,  she shouldn't be planning on seeing him again once he gets back. She has to make decisions, and stop flip-flopping and leading him on. It's going to be hard, and I'm sure she probably loves him, but she has to decide one way or the other. I also would not forbid her from seeing him because if she wants to see him, she will. Where there's a will, there's a way.

I find it a little odd that the school sent him 3 states away simply because they thought he was a bad influence on her. Have you ever talked to him, had him to your home, or was your daughter just seeing him other places ?  Is he really that bad, or is he just being shoved aside by everyone ? It doesn't sound like his parents are so great, maybe he just needs someone to talk to. When he comes back home, and your daughter starts talking to him again, maybe invite him to your house and get to know him. You might be pleasantly surprised.  If you're horrified by him, then you have to take it from there. Our kids don't always end up with who we think they should end up with. And we need to think back to our own teen years too.

Good luck.

    spring springtime                               

Mommyx308
by on May. 14, 2009 at 2:22 PM

clappingI totally agree

Quoting gbphipps1:

My dd is a Junior in high school (finishing this year in 2.5 weeks).  She is a bright girl, kind of shy and sweet.  At the beginning of the school year she got involved with the wrong guy.  Joe is controlling and I suspect abusive but she has not admitted that.  Pretty early in the school year he lead her to have sex for the first time (unprotected of course).  They continued an unprotected sexual relationship and of course she became pregnant in early October.  They go to a private boarding school which is supposed to pride itself of character development.

This boy is a senior and seniors at this school are supposed to show leadership.  He "lead" her into sex, drugs, lying, stealing and running away.  Until recently she and he were planning to raise this baby somehow on nothing.  When they caught his once again smoking pot in one of the school bathrooms, they sent him to another campus out of state because they felt that he was being a bad influence on her.

After he was 3 states away, she admitted to me that she had wanted to break up with him, but he had threatened to kill her if she ever did.  With him 3 states away she felt comfortable in breaking up with him.  She told everyone how free she felt and seemed happier than she had been in a long time.  She decided to give her baby up for adoption so she could continue her education and the child could have a loving two-parent family.  She is adopted and had reconnected with her birthdad who helped her make this loving decision.

On Mother's Day he called her.  She was home here for the weekend.  Last night I got e-mail from her admitting that she forgave him and they are getting back together.  I am worried for her safety (he isolated her and threatened her and "punished" her in the past) and I am worried that he may convince her not to follow through on her adoption plans.  I am very scared and worried.


gbphipps1
by on May. 15, 2009 at 10:18 AM

You've made some good points.  I have taken the opportunity to know him.  Until quite recently he has not had a driver's license and I have taken the kids to Planned Parenthood, to the adoption counselor and have spent time with him inside and outside of school.  I have also gotten to know his parents because parent involvement is mandatory at that school and we live in the same "region". 

The school sent him away because of his pattern of behavior.  Apparently he had a history of drug use in school (among other things) and had not changed his behavior.  They also felt he was dragging my daughter down and that it would be best for both of them to have a fresh start separately.  After he left campus she was happier, more open and her grades shot up to the A's she should have been having all year, despite having to deal with the physical aspects of being pregnant and missing school on various days for medical and counseling appointments. 

I have no doubt that he threatened her life.  It is consistent behavior with the control he was exerting over her and his general demeanor of someone misunderstood -- him against the world.  My dd constantly complained that no one respected or liked him on campus.  I tried to get across to her that another way of approaching that dilemma is to look at what people who were respected did and try to emulate them since respect is earned and at this school it is given for leadership in positive ways.

I do understand, however, that as satisfying as it would be to threaten him with the law, it would be an idle threat because at this point in time she would not back me up on it.  I am just praying he does not continue to dominate her life and actually ruin it or end it.  He is a loose cannon.  My one saving grace is that he may not graduate this month and may need to be away at school this summer.  The more time which goes on in which she can connect with other friends, including an old boyfriend she still is interested in and he in her, without him in the picture, the better, in my opinion.


 

Quoting summerdayz:

First of all, you shouldn't be blaming him for what she did. I am all for personal responsibility and  I may be biased because I have 3 sons, but I also have a daughter. Your daughter is 17 and made decisions to have sex, use drugs, lie,  steal and run away. I also would not threaten him with the law because he's not going to be stupid. He will know they cannot do anything. And they especially cannot do anything just on your word, without your daughter backing you up. Even if she did, where's the proof ? And did he really threaten her life ?

If she really wants to be free from him, she needs to talk about how to go about doing it,  and how to become a stronger person, and how to say no, if she means no. And if she wants to be free from him,  she shouldn't be planning on seeing him again once he gets back. She has to make decisions, and stop flip-flopping and leading him on. It's going to be hard, and I'm sure she probably loves him, but she has to decide one way or the other. I also would not forbid her from seeing him because if she wants to see him, she will. Where there's a will, there's a way.

I find it a little odd that the school sent him 3 states away simply because they thought he was a bad influence on her. Have you ever talked to him, had him to your home, or was your daughter just seeing him other places ?  Is he really that bad, or is he just being shoved aside by everyone ? It doesn't sound like his parents are so great, maybe he just needs someone to talk to. When he comes back home, and your daughter starts talking to him again, maybe invite him to your house and get to know him. You might be pleasantly surprised.  If you're horrified by him, then you have to take it from there. Our kids don't always end up with who we think they should end up with. And we need to think back to our own teen years too.

Good luck.


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